As I Approach the End

This post is really for my own benefit, and not so much intended for public viewing, although I realize that by putting it here, there will be people who read it.  I realized a long time ago, when I kept up this blog much more frequently, that when I write things out, my thoughts tend to be more comprehensive and deep than when I just let them float around in my head without an outlet.  And writing has always been a stronger form of communicating my thoughts than talking about them.  So here I am, getting out my thoughts on "paper".

Two or three weeks ago, as I realized my due date was definitely approaching faster than I anticipated, I started feeling some emotions that were quite new to me.  Every time I thought about going through labor and delivery again, I felt afraid.  Not quite afraid enough to panic, but enough that the thought of experiencing a contraction made me want to curl up and hide.  The word recoil seems to fit well.  I recoiled from the thought of experiencing labor and birth again.  It actually made me want to cry, knowing that the time was approaching.  At first, I couldn't really think of a logical reason I was feeling this way, so I would just push the emotion away, bury it under attempts at being productive and checking things off of my to-do list.  If I didn't think about it, maybe it would just go away.  The problem was, as time moved forward and days ticked off the count-down, and I still wasn't dealing with these very negative and very real emotions, they continued to get worse.  Now I really was starting to panic at the thought of labor contractions.  Now those feelings of anxiety and fear were invading my dreams - they weren't even dream scenarios, just dreams where I was acutely aware of my generalized fears! - and then I would wake up and spend the rest of the night in a restless half-awake state, those emotions just tormenting my attempts at sleep.

I realized I needed to talk about it.  I met with my midwife earlier this week, and I told myself I needed to tell her what was going on with me.  I was afraid to.  I nearly talked myself out of it.  I don't like talking about anything that is even halfway personal to me, because I always end up crying.  (I think I feel too vulnerable, or something - it doesn't matter if it's something good or bad, too personal = crying!)  But when she went through her typical list of "have you had any vision distortions, or headaches, or swelling" etc., she asked about my sleep, and so I took a deep breath and told her how I had been feeling so anxious and afraid of upcoming labor, and it was getting so bad that it was invading my sleep. 

I cried.  I cried so much.  But we talked for what must have been 20 or 30 minutes.  Mostly, she just sat and listened patiently as I got it all out.  And where I hadn't really been able to find logical reasons for my fear before, things started to occur to me as I stopped bottling it up.

• I didn't really want to be pregnant again.  Since we thought Malcolm was our last one, I didn't have that attitude of "Oh well, I probably would have been pregnant again eventually, anyway"  to help me out.  No, this time I just plain didn't plan on another pregnancy at all.  So on top of feeling like I was pretty much forced to deal with the aches and pains of pregnancy, I was also starting to realize that I was very soon going to have to deal with labor pretty unwillingly, too.
• Malcolm's birth, the most recent one, was quite different from the rest of them.  Typically, my water would break as I was just about to push, or already pushing.  Having the amniotic fluid still inside creates a pretty noticeable buffer for contractions.  By the time I was in active labor with Malcolm, my water had been broken for 24 hours, and I had pretty much no buffer left to help me through those contractions.  They hurt.  It was thankfully a short time to feel it, as he was born just an hour or two after active labor started, but the pain was very real, and I remember very clearly saying "I never want to do that again!!" only moments after I was holding him in my arms.  And I meant it.  I really didn't want to do it again.  So it makes sense, that on the heels of that particular labor, I wouldn't be very excited about another one.
• 5 kids is a lot of kids for a very introverted parent in a 2 bedroom house.  I'll be honest that while I love little babies, I'm not looking forward to the added chaos and strain a 5th child will put on me.  
• I haven't been feeling confident in my ability to relax and and work with the contractions instead of against them this time around.  Every time I try to listen to one of my tried-and-true relaxation tracks, I can't manage to keep my breathing focused, my muscles only stay loose for a minute or two, and I can't keep my mind from straying to things that make me feel worked up instead of relaxed.  I have relied heavily on relaxation in previous births.  Why isn't it working this time, before labor has even begun?
• I think I'm also subconsciously understanding that we're moving out of state and away from friends and family pretty darn soon after baby is born.  Once baby is born, that will be a MUCH BIGGER reality than it is right now.  I may be afraid to "speed up" that realization by having the baby.

After talking with my midwife, I began feeling much better already.  It was definitely a physical relief, that feeling of a weight off of your shoulders, quite literally.  I hadn't realized how much strain it was putting on me to try to ignore and bury all these thoughts and feelings.  Just vocalizing them was putting me on the path towards fixing them.  And fixing them is very important to me at this point - I wholeheartedly believe that my attitude and emotional state going into labor will affect how I deal with it, and how smoothly labor goes.  If I continue to have negative feelings about labor, it will probably end up being miserable for me.  And with 7 days left until my due date (baby could come any minute now!!), I don't have a lot of time to turn things around.

I developed a loose plan of action to accomplish this goal.  First, my midwife reminded me that if this is truly to be my last baby, this is my last chance to get something wonderful out of the experience of labor.  I remembered that my first homebirth, Alex, left me feeling simply incredible.  He was by far my biggest baby, and while I wouldn't categorize any of my children's births as "fun", his was definitely amazing.  I felt strong and empowered in ways I had never felt.  The rush of energy, the feeling that "I can do anything!" was with me for quite a long time, even through a very uncomfortable recovery.  I smiled through much of his labor- and laughed, too!- even though it was hard.  Contrast that with Malcolm's birth, where I was very nearly crying through contractions at the end, and my biggest thought wasn't "I can do anything!" but "I never want to do that again!", and I know which one I'd rather experience.  I want the one that makes me feel strong and confident and powerful.

So how am I going to get there?  I had to start by cluing in my dear husband.  This was not something I should try to hide from him, after all.  But it took a couple days for me to be ready to open up about it, all the same.  In the meantime, I went back to reading a book that I'd started months earlier, but had never finished.  I bought the book The Gift of Giving Life: Rediscovering the Divine Nature of Pregnancy and Birth, originally with the intent of giving it away as a baby shower gift.  When I first received it, even though I wasn't planning another baby, I flipped through the first chapter and was so touched by the things I read, that I decided to keep it for myself.  It had sat on my shelf for a very long time after that, untouched, but I finally convinced myself to read it a few months into my pregnancy.  And then life got busy, and I let it slide again, only a few chapters in.  When I picked it up again after my visit with the midwife, what was the very first section after my bookmark?  The very thing I needed to focus on: Fear. I gleaned so many good things from it, a book written by Latter-day Saint women on the spiritual knowledge they had found over their years of study on pregnancy and childbirth.  There were scriptures and birth stories and insights galore, and even some tactics for how to overcome fear.  I started writing them down.  There were a couple scriptures that I found to be especially uplifting as I read them:

John 4:18
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out all fear:  Because fear hath torment.

This one speaks truth to me first in the way that fear makes you feel.  It really does feel like torment!  It's not something I want to be experiencing on top of the existing challenge of labor.  But the bigger thing this says to me is love will cancel out fear.  What do I need to love?  My very first thought is the baby.  If I can focus on my love for this baby joining our family soon, remembering the end goal, it will be extremely helpful.  But I also need to love myself.  I need to remember that I am strong, and powerful, and capable.  I need to honor my emotions, but find truth and love for myself despite any negative emotions I may be experiencing.  And also very importantly, I need to love God.  He is the one who designed this process of birth, and I trust it so well.  I trust that He designed it to help me feel closer to Him, and to realize my potential through experiencing it, as well.  He doesn't give the trial of labor and birth to women as punishment, but rather as a means to grow and stretch ourselves.  I have felt the blessing of it before, and if I remember to love, I am confident I can feel it again.

Doctrine and Covenants 121:7
My [daughter], peace be unto they soul; thine adversity and thine affliction shall be but a small moment.

Labor is really very typically not a long ordeal for me.  Sometimes it's almost too fast.  My adversity and affliction will be a small moment in the grand scope of my life.  I can find peace in that knowledge, I can find the strength and confidence to endure it well for such a short time.

Doctrine and Covenants 38:7
But behold, verily, verily, I say unto you that mine eyes are upon you. I am in your midst and ye cannot see me.

I can remember that God is there.  He is watching me.  He knows every detail of my life and my thoughts and my reality.  His Son, my Savior, has experienced all things, knows everything that I ever have and ever will go through.  They do not abandon me during the birth of one of my children, one of the precious souls sent to me from their presence in Heaven.  My Heavenly Father is wise and all-knowing.  He knew that we needed this child in our family.  Even if I can't see Him, He will be there to help guide me and comfort me.

Many of the birth stories in this book had thoughts that struck me so hard, as well.  One said:

Pain is simply a sensation, but suffering comes from thinking that what is shouldn't be.  I saw that no matter what happened to me in this life, I could trust that God had me in mind and that life happens for me, not to me.  It's all for my good.
The words that the Lord spoke to Joseph Smith popped into my mind:  "If the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know...that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good (D&C 122:7)

 I especially liked the line that "suffering comes from thinking that what is shouldn't be".  I think that's where I have been going wrong, these last few weeks:  I didn't sign up for this!  It isn't fair!  I don't want to feel that again!  If I can remove those lines of thinking, the suffering should go away.  Yes, I will experience pain.  But will my thoughts cause me to suffer, or will I endure the pain with patience and strength?  If I can look forward to this child without the undertones of negativity, I will be more successful at accepting pain without suffering because of it.

All of this reading has been extremely helpful, and after only a couple days, my attitude is already shifting.  I also did talk to Jesse, who was, of course, loving and understanding and not dismissive of my reality at all.  I asked him to give me a priesthood blessing for comfort, and he did.  I felt his love, and God's love for me, and was promised that I would be able to "look forward" to this birth, and be comforted, and to feel the presence of the Holy Ghost.  Blessings are so important in pregnancy, I think.  But it has felt even more profound this time around, as I have felt myself losing confidence in my own ability to handle things.  I need that divine help more than ever.

Going forward, I plan to continue to read this wonderful book, to help me rediscover all the wonderful blessings surrounding pregnancy and childbirth.  I hope I might be able to finish it before the baby is born.  I also plan to practice my relaxation more regularly, focusing on breathing calmly and repeating affirmations that will help shift my attitude.  If I can find enough quiet time, I will also attempt to meditate, to spend time in quiet focus on my hopes for peace, strength, and confidence through the labor experience.  Pray more, think about holding an adorable baby in my arms more, remember my blessings more, and appreciate life more.  And if I'm being totally honest, I think it will help if I end up going past my due date and I start feeling anxious for labor to just start already!!  I still think Malcolm's birth took me by surprise by being as early as it was - with all the others, I had already been waiting anxiously and attempting to get things going on my own.  I think if I'm a more willing participant in inviting contractions to begin, I will fare better.

So, here's to another week or more of pregnancy, during which time I can find myself eager for another baby, another experience with childbirth, and success for turning around my attitude towards it all.