Sharp Contrast

Today, I frequently hear myself thinking, "Oh, Father, he needs this so much."

Jesse hasn't been in the best of moods lately.  I'm sure you can understand why, with a job that is quickly (yet still maddeningly slowly) eroding away,  a car that is constantly breaking, trying to job hunt, and deal with things the way they constantly are with three young children in the house.  Sometimes I've worried that this entire giant set of circumstances might lead him to become depressed, especially since he pretty much never hangs out with any guy-friends.  It's just work, deal with problems at home, and worry about the future. 

Yesterday, Jesse found a great job to apply to in Butte, Montana.  Initially, Jesse had completely written off the entire state of Montana for job searching, but he came across this one job, and suddenly started getting excited.  It sounded right up his alley, he soudned perfectly qualified, he had a good background with his current job that would lend well to transitioning to this other job possibility.  We spent a while working hard on writing a solid cover letter, and sent it off.  But it was amazing to me, to watch his mood do a complete 180.  He was grinning, getting excited (while trying not to get TOO excited, because, you know... if you get your hopes up and then your resume just sits in a black hole, that can be a pretty big let-down), and just suddenly turning back into the happy-go-lucky guy I married all those 9 1/2 years ago.  The kids were up past their bedtime and playing crazy, like they always do when they're up late, but Jesse didn't start losing his temper or getting frustrated... he started picking up each child and "boinging" them across the room, like they were on giant spring shoes that could bounce them higher than an adult head.  And then they were all giggling and having the time of their lives, and then Jesse started flipping them in the middle of their bounces, or having them rebound off the wall.  And I couldn't help but grin and giggle and get silly, myself.... 

The whole evening was happy.
Happy!!  Just because of a little hope and excitement, from a job prospect in Montana, of all places. 

I went to bed with that thought in my head.  Comparing it to the typical mood around here lately.  I try to stay upbeat, among all the problems, but it's hard, of course.  And just seeing how happy things could be, I realized how very much Jesse really needs this: A new job, a new start, something to hope for and look forward to.  He needs to be back to himself again.

And such a sharp contrast... that moment in time didn't last.
Today, as I was taking Melinda to her school physical, the car overheated again.  Again!!   Just a few weeks after we replaced the radiator!!  I called Jesse just as I was heading into the doctor's office, to see if he could come over and look at it or at least give me more fluid to put in the car, so I could get home.  It was just about his lunch break.  So he had to skip lunch with the guys, get dropped off in the sweltering, humid air, walk across the street from Wal-Mart to the doctor's office (lucky they're so close to each other!), and figure out what the problem with the car was.  He was just devastated when I told him the problem over the phone.  His exact words were, I think, "Becky, I just can't take any more of this..."  And it wasn't an angry or frustrated voice.  It was a despairing voice. 

But, he came and looked at it.  Looks like it's some sort of pipe that goes to the rear heater of the car that has rusted through and was pretty much pouring the radiator fluid out.  While he was laying under the car looking at everything, all the guys from work came back and huddled around our car.  They shared their time to run and get some clamps and stuff so Jesse could quick-fix the van well enough to get it home.  In the meantime, Melinda and I got a ride home with a couple others of his coworkers.  And to top it all off, Jacob and Alex had to be driven home from our friend's house 20 minutes away, since I couldn't go back to pick them up.  I'm grateful for everyone who pitched in to get us through the afternoon... but we still have yet another car repair to do, and the fun didn't end there...

As Jesse was calling the auto parts store, the sound of his phone was "crackly".  Attempting to fix it, he turned it off, removed the battery and replaced it, and powered it back up.  Except, when he powered it back up, it wouldn't come on.  It only showed a screen that said, "Contact Service".  Of course, we're out of the warranty time for his phone, and it's doubtful that it will fix itself, you know?  So it looks like we're also going to have to pay for a new phone for him.  In the meantime, though, we were able to call up customer service and get his called forwarded to my phone.... so if any potential employers call, at least he'll get the calls, right?  After he got off the phone with customer service, he admitted that he really just wanted to "quit" the day, and go to sleep.  To escape, even just temporarily, all the troubles that were weighing and beating him down.

But my heart was really breaking to see him react to these events one right after the other, on the heels of such a happy night.  I just wish I had the power in me to physically remove his stress.  So he could be himself.  The carefree, animated, laughing, joking Jesse that can always handle anything that comes his way.  It's a sharp contrast... and not one I enjoy witnessing.

Yes, he needs this so much.  A change, new prospects, something to get excited about, something to ease his worries...  He needs it.  And I can't give it to him.