Sunday, February 9, 2014
Winter is a Time for Waiting
I went for a walk this morning (hoping to encourage things along, of course). It was very cold, and foggy - the fog was literally causing frost to form on all the tree branches, encasing them in white. It was much quieter than normal outside. I think the fog plus the existing snow on the ground muffled more typical noises of the town. As I walked, all these thoughts above, and more, kept running through my head, and I was having silent conversations with Heavenly Father, trying to figure out the unknowable, trying to find peace in my heart with wherever this path in my life takes me, trying to calm myself and let go of stress and worry. It's a very hard thing to do. You just want answers! You just want to understand the plan! Why can't this all be easier?? It would be easier to hold on to sanity and patience if you could just know how everything would end up, right? Not knowing is so hard.
As I walked along, my face freezing cold, but also soaking in the peace of the environment around me, I remembered another time that I felt very distressed and found peace and comfort in the nature around me: When I was in Girl's Camp and "ran away" to the river and sang hymns. In particular, "How Great Thou Art" has always been a comforting hymn to me, since that day. Today during my walk, I took a pause at the dock of the mostly frozen over lake, and just looked and listened for a few moments. The ducks contentedly waddled along the ice, paddled away in the icy water. A song bird here or there chirped out a few cheerful notes, despite the gray cold of the morning. There was snow and ice everywhere, and such silence. The whole world just seemed frozen. But the world did not seem anxious about when it would thaw. Rather, it seemed peaceful. Very peaceful. And I thought to myself, "The whole world is waiting. I'm waiting for the birth of a baby. The earth is waiting for warmth and the rebirth of spring." But I have been waiting with a lot of stress and worry in my heart. The earth and its creatures know that the season will change when it's time, and they wait contentedly, seemingly without a worry or a care at all.
I left my spot on the lake and continued walking along, following the path that runs along the creek that exits the lake. It was frozen. Seemingly frozen in time, just like me in this pregnancy. But I found that if I listened very closely, I could hear the small gurgle of water running beneath the surface of ice. Things were still moving, still changing. Time will march forward, and eventually the lake and the creek will both thaw and move freely, and the frozen trees and bushes and grasses around them will turn green again. Perhaps if I listen closely enough, I can feel my own body and baby moving forward as well, preparing for a time not far away where things will change and new life will be brought to this earth. And as I walked along the creek, I started to remember the song, "How Great Thou Art". And you know? I thought: If God can create entire worlds without number with such beauty and rhythm and foresight, how much better can He create a single life, and know when it should be brought to the point of birth? He gave this baby to me quite unexpectedly. Can I not trust Him to also know when the time is best for his arrival? Can I give up my very mortal worries and stresses and wishes for answers, to accept that this baby will come when it's time?
The world is frozen, and waits. I wait along with it. I am so eager for this baby to be born, and still anxious about avoiding being transferred for a hospital induction. I definitely look forward to every contraction I feel, at this point, telling Father in Heaven how grateful I am for that contraction, how eager I am for more. It's a disappointment when they fizzle away. But perhaps today has given me a little more insight and hope that things will work out for the best, and in their own time.
Monday, June 24, 2013
The Hard Things
When those terrible tornadoes went tearing through Oklahoma about a month ago, leveling schools and ripping lives apart, I had such a thought. I was in the middle of feeling a deep despair for all these families, especially the children, who lived though such a terrifying experience, wondering how they could deal with something so inexplicably *bad*. I was crying over their terror that they must have felt in the moment. Crying over the loss of the families whose loved ones didn't make it. Imagining my own children in a similar situation as those little school children. It all seemed so horrifying, so wrong, so awful, so unfair, so hard....
It was in this moment of deep sorrow that the thought came to me, "The hard things are the good things." The thought caught me off guard. It didn't make any sense to me, but I felt like it was really True. As I mulled over it, I realized that all this thinking about tragedy was making me value things and people in my own life that much more. And how every time something "bad" has happened to our family, it has done nothing but help us on other, more important levels. The things that other people, or even us, have perceived as "hard" are definitely hard... but they have always brought along with them a strength of another kind, something I wouldn't give up just for the ease of skipping over the "hard" times.
I have been clinging to this Truth for dear life these past few weeks, as a new sort of hard thing has jumped into existence, and has thrown me for a complete loop. Unexpected news, completely opposite of everything I wanted at this point in my life, going against every conscious decision I have made in the past year or so:
We are having another baby.
I was shaking almost to the point of being unable to have functional hand control as I took the test, locked behind the bathroom door as my children rampaged in the small apartment. As lines started to form I was pleading with every piece of my soul that it would be negative. Please be negative!! As it quickly changed to a dark, all-too-familiar and completely undeniable positive, I broke down in heavy sobs. I did not want this. My mind raced with all the things that would be made harder in my life. I had been so very, very ready to move on to the next stage of motherhood, to leave behind the babies and toddlers and wakeful nights and breastfeeding and, and, and.... (honestly, the list of things I rattled off in my brain for why I didn't want this would possibly shock you). We really, truly, had just barely decided that we both wanted to be *done*. Neither one of us could imagine a scenario where we would actively want another child. The 4 we had were already exhausting us, and lately, it seems like the exhausting and frustrating parts have very much outweighed the good, fun parts. Now that we are looking forward to a new job in California, we were just starting to feel like maybe soon we would finally have our feet firmly under us, like we might finally enjoy some stability for a while, and be able to build a future instead of just clinging for dear life to the present.
And then the rug got pulled out from under us. This. Changes. Everything. And we feel it to our bones. So I have been reminding myself over and over that "the hard things are the good things". If it was Truth then, it must be Truth now, and although I still mourn a good deal for the loss of the lifestyle I imagined would be starting over the next year or two, as kids got older and we left toddlerhood behind, and moved to a new home with (hopefully) plenty of space for everyone.... I am trying to remind myself that every time something "bad" has happened to our family, we have ended up stronger, happier, with pieces of our lives we wouldn't give up for anything.
And truly, I don't want you to think that I think babies are "bad". I love babies! I feel like I'm pretty darn good at being a mother of babies. But I've lived through 4 of them, and I know realistically what they mean in terms of the energy and devotion and effort and heartache that will be required of me. Especially when piled on top of relocating to a brand new place, where I will not have the family support that I have enjoyed these past few years, nor good friends at the ready to offer me help when I need it. Especially when I'm getting older and feeling the burden more heavily as older children get busier and require more from me as well. I do not kid myself - this will be a hard thing. I hope beyond hope that I will come to enjoy it, and savor another baby when I had convinced myself I would have no more.
But if I'm being honest, I'll share that I'm not there yet. About the only excitement I've had is that maybe, just maybe, this baby might end up being a girl, and my only regret with being done with more children is that Melinda would never have a sister. If this life-changing surprise negates that regret, I think I will feel happier a lot sooner than I would otherwise. (Not that I would be devastated with another boy. They're great! But if we get another boy he might never get a name. Seems like we have exhausted the list of boy names we both like...)
And I know, I know, that this "hard thing" of mine doesn't even come close to the "hard thing" of being victim of a majorly destructive tornado. My hard thing ends with a new family member to love. It doesn't tear my life apart. It just sets me back a few years for all the things I had started to hope and imagine for myself and my family. Still, we all have our own difficult things to go through. I never thought mine would be yet another surprise pregnancy. I have to believe that there will be good things to come, but for now I'm still just wide-eyed with terror that I'm doing this. Again. Yeesh.
I sure hope Heavenly Father knows what he's doing.
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| Positive test, May 28th |
Oh, and I'm sure you want details. It looks like the due date is about February 1st, so either late January or early February. It could go either way. I'm thankful I get to do summertime during early pregnancy rather than late pregnancy. And that I didn't get rid of a few key baby items yet. Even though I already *did* get rid of quite a few things I'll have to replace, starting with maternity clothes. (Yay...) We're hoping that we will move to California before the baby is born, because we just can't fit another baby in our apartment... but at the same time, we'd like to spend a little bit of winter and maybe Christmas here, so the ideal window would be fairly narrow. We'll see as time moves on, I guess. So far I'm feeling fine, symptom-wise, just a little more tired and ever so slightly more sensitive to food likes/dislikes. And maybe more cranky, but that might just be having the kids home for summer break all day, every day, too. ;) And dreams, ugh. Vivid dreams every night. I wake up feeling like I just lived a real, eventful day instead of just sleeping peacefully. (Last night in my dream, it snowed. In June. After several days in the 90's and 100's...) Anyway, I'm just rambling now. Bottom line is, here we go again!! 5 kids - this is going to be insane!!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Malcolm Reed Joins the Family
When we discovered we were expecting a fourth baby, it was not a joyous moment. This pregnancy was not planned (and actually, this makes the second surprise pregnancy in a row), but despite the lack of instant joy, we were sure it would all end up being for good. When I gave Jesse the news, I asked him if he was freaking out on me or anything, because he really didn't react much, but his response was basically, by the time the baby is due (Oct. 5th), we'd be in big trouble anyway, if we still didn't have a job. He had a point there. We needed to have ourselves taken care of one way or another by then, or we were in trouble no matter what. And aside from that train of thought, I was very blessed to attend a Stake Women's Conference on the day I took the pregnancy test, where Sheri Dew was the guest speaker. It was an *amazing* talk. I was in tears for at least half of it. She was saying exactly the things I needed to hear. She talked for almost two hours, so it's hard to summarize what she said, but her most important message to me personally was something I already knew in my heart, but desperately needed to be reminded of: Heavenly Father knows and loves you personally. He knows your individual situation. He sent you to earth with an individual mission. He knows exactly which blessings you are in need of, and when you need them. If you trust in Him, and don't turn away from him, but rather towards him, in times of trouble or distress, He will bless you when and where and how you need it. And if you strive to follow His will for you, you will be happy, because you are fulfilling the mission you came to earth with. She said she likes to think of each of us coming to earth with a little "to-do list pinned to our lapel". When we accomplish our mission, we're happy. My patriarchal blessing told me that my "greatest mission" is that of motherhood. So how can another baby not end up making me happy, even if it's in less than ideal circumstances?? I had to trust that the Lord would take care of us. It has been a test of my faith, to be sure... but I also felt the strong impression during her talk that I was doing well in trusting the Lord and leaning on Him during that period of my life. Sheri Dew also spent a lot of time talking about what I remember is one of my Dad's favorite scriptures: "And my father dwelt in a tent" (1 Nephi 2:15). I had forgotten exactly what Dad likes to say about that verse, but I love what Sister Dew did with it. She went on to question why on earth we're reminded so many times that Nephi's family lived in a tent, why Abraham lived in a tent, and so many other prophets dwelt in tents (or poor Ether, who didn't even have a tent - just a cavity in a rock). What's so important about knowing about a tent, she wonders? She decided that it's to illustrate the less-than-ideal situations that even the most amazing prophets have dealt with in their lives. She also quoted this, from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: "If your prayers don't always seem answered, take heart.... If for a while, the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived." I felt such a great truth in that sentiment. Like confirmation that our current life situation doesn't reflect on the quality of our beings. We have a hard time to make us stronger, and bring us closer to the Lord. Even the prophets of old have had those sorts of experiences.
We were finally blessed with Jesse getting a job through a temporary agency in early March, about a month after we discovered the pregnancy. It was difficult to have him going back to work (after having him around 24-7 for the past year and a half!!) right when I was in the most difficult point of pregnancy. This particular pregnancy was actually overall very good, but it was probably the most difficult first trimester I've had. Not to say that it was bad - I still had very little to complain about, compared to what other women go through - but if I let myself get even the slightest bit hungry, I'd be instantly nauseous until I finally ate something. That was difficult to adjust to, and then there was the typical extreme sleepiness I'd get with first trimester symptoms. But, we adjusted in due time. We went on to hire a local midwife to manage our pregnancy, and things progressed well.
At 20 weeks, we had a routine ultrasound. We learned then that we were expecting another boy. That news was hard for me, initially. I was sure, in a way I'd never before been sure, that I was carrying a little girl. Not only did I feel so sure, but I also wanted so much to be right, for so many different reasons. But the biggest were that I wanted Melinda to have a sister, and I wasn't sure about having more children after this one. The other reason was that Jacob and Alex had been *seriously* testing my limits, and the mere idea of a THIRD BOY in my house outright terrified me. Brought me to tears!! I couldn't tell people the news without tears welling up in my eyes for a few weeks. I thought I'd never get over it. Surprisingly, I eventually did, without ever even realizing it. I don't know when I gave up mourning the little girl I wasn't meant to have, but eventually I just got excited about having a baby at all! And somehow, Melinda did the same thing - she went from being sad about not getting a sister, to just plain obviously excited to have a newborn baby to dote on. I couldn't say when either one of us made that switch, but it happened (thank goodness!). During that 20 week ultrasound, we also got slightly disturbing news: Baby boy was diagnosed with hydronephrosis- enlarged kidneys that could mean that the urination process isn't happening correctly, which usually leads to increased infections and/or kidney damage in a baby. Not a dire diagnosis... but certainly not something I wanted to worry about on top of all the other life stresses.
Skipping forward to week 32, we went in for a follow-up ultrasound, which is recommended for hydronephrosis. There was a chance it could be worse (the original diagnosis was on the mild-moderate side of the scale), most likely it would be the same, and a very, very small chance it could improve. The night before the ultrasound, Jesse was giving Melinda and Jacob Father's Blessings for back-to-school. I asked Jesse to give me a blessing, as well. I was moved to tears. Not only did Jesse bless me that the baby would be perfectly healthy, but that "this baby would be a benefit to us". I'll be honest - I didn't have a great amount of faith that the ultrasound would show Baby to be perfectly healthy. I was skeptical. But the reassurance that he would be a benefit in our lives was HUGE to me, because I continued to worry about adding a fourth child in our circumstances. (While Jesse did have a job, it continues to be through the temporary agency, and the pay is barely more than he made right out of college, when we had only ONE child to care for! Not the most stable financial environments...)
But amazingly, that ultrasound did indeed show that Baby was 100% healthy. I could hardly believe it. (What a confirmation to me of the way blessings work!) It was such a relief, such good news! Baby was also found to be quite on the large size for his gestational age, but I wasn't worried. After all, Alex had been 10lb 10oz without giving us any trouble at birth! This one, we thought, would probably be about the same size if he continued to grow at an expected rate. On the way home from the ultrasound, we got a call from the elementary school (on the first day of school, mind you!). Melinda was in the nurse's office after hurting her arm, and wasn't calming down. That wasn't like Melinda at all, so we stopped at the school instead of going straight home. Jesse took one look at her and felt he knew for sure that she had broken her arm. A trip to Urgent Care confirmed it. Long story short, the fracture had bent in such a way that it would need to be set, and so we went to an orthopedic surgeon, Melinda was put under with anesthesia, and had her bone set and cast (in hot pink, of course). Amid all of this, Jesse and I were absolutely panicking about our insurance situation. We were *supposed* to have had a permanent job with decent benefits by now, but he was still employed through the temp agency, and we only had a Limited Benefit insurance plant because of it. Limited Benefit, as in, the insurance only covers up to $1500 out-patient costs for an entire benefit year. Clearly, going to Urgent Care, an Orthopedic Surgeon, and utilizing a hospital facility with general anesthesia and all of that was going to cost us more than $1500, and our savings was already dangerously low. This was the kind of situation we hoped would never happen while using this insurance plan. But, happen it did. We applied for financial hardship aid with the hospital, and they waived everything but the $1500 insurance gave them (plus the $500 we charged to our credit card the day of the procedure). We still have to pay the surgeon and urgent care (along with a lot of little random charges from anesthesiologists, x-ray techs, medical equipment charges (for the brace, etc.)... but it's at least within our general means, even if it does make life stressful and uncomfortable.
Anyway, Melinda's story isn't really Malcolm's story, but the stress of having a child break their arm and the financial burden it causes seemed relevant to our mind set as of late. ;)
Finally, we get to the end of the pregnancy. Baby had been head-down for weeks and weeks, now. I had started working out at the very start of the year, before I knew I was pregnant, and did a mostly good job of continuing with the workouts throughout the pregnancy. Late summer threw some wrenches into my plans, and so I stopped exercising as frequently, but I still tried to do my best. By the end of my pregnancy, I had managed to hurt my toe joint, and was trying to stay off my feet as much as possible. Still, I was finding at my prenatal appointments that I really wasn't gaining much weight at all, and starting to hold steady at the end, there. I started out at 212lbs, and my last weight check (a day before I went into labor), I was at 228. That was my least amount of weight gain out of all four pregnancies! My midwife and her apprentice were both thinking that baby would be about 9lbs when he was born, based on both the ultrasounds and their palpation. They offered a cervical check, if I wanted one, at my 39 week appointment. I declined, though I was desperately curious, because I know that cervical status means absolutely nothing for the onset of labor. I didn't want to tart playing mental and emotional games with myself! And besides, I was feeling like I would probably go to 41 weeks or so, since Alex had been about that late, and Melinda close to it.
So when my water started leaking in the middle of the next night, exactly at 39 weeks gestation, I wasn't sure what to think. One, I had never had my water break until I was in hard labor or already pushing. Two, I had never had a baby this early!! Honestly, I sort of ignored it without even really thinking about it too hard. I just wanted a good night's sleep, after all! Isn't that what every pregnant woman wants? Yet, the next morning, it was the kids' "Walk and Wheel Wednesday" at school. I felt obligated to make sure they could participate and get their card punched and earn a treat. So we parked our car halfway to school, and walked the rest of the way, to and from. And as delicately as I can put it, by the time I was back home that morning, I was afraid people were going to take one look at me and think I had peed my pants. I just kept having little gushes of fluid all morning long. But no contractions to speak of. If I sat down and concentrated on it, I could feel contractions. But if I were up and walking around, I couldn't tell if they were contractions or just random, painless tightening that I always got when I was walking around, those days. But I kept track as best as I could:
8:52
9:03
9:19
9:31
....
10:21?
10:38
....
11:15
....
11:49
12:05
12:27
12:45
1:00
1:25
1:44
2:07
2:22
2:32
2:42
....
At around 1pm, my Visiting Teacher from church came over, and I had mentioned I was pretty sure I was in early labor. She was so kind to sit and read to Alex, while I jumped in the shower. I had been doing chores all morning, both to keep myself busy and to make sure the house was ready for a homebirth and a new baby. Laundry was done, picking up and straightening up was done, midwife was called and informed, and that just left me to take care of. Getting a shower (and shaving my legs!) was nice to cross off the list. As you can see, right around 2:30, there, is when I picked the kids up from school. At that point, I started having contractions every 10 minutes apart. And instead of getting to go right back home and be comfortable, I had to wander around the school, looking for Melinda's misplaced lunchbox. I also let a few people know I was in early labor, and some people's reactions were just insane! One mom overhead me telling another mom, and her eyes popped open so wide, and she asked if I was okay, or if I felt like I needed to go to the hospital. (Um, no, I feel absolutely fine, but thanks for being so concerned?) Melinda's teacher somehow heard the news in the few minutes between telling other people and seeing her in person, and her reaction was one of almost horror. ("Your in labor? RIGHT NOW??" Well, you see, the way early labor works, is that you feel fine for a solid 10-20 minutes between contractions... and those contractions were still not in the least bit difficult...) Anyway, we finally got home, and my midwife stopped by to check me. Baby was still not descended - same position he was in at my prenatal appointment, same position he had been in for weeks. Oblique in my pelvis, head down, otherwise good. But definitely not engaged. Since my water had been leaking allllll day long, we did not do a cervical check, lest we inadvertently introduce bacteria into the equation. This was somewhat disappointing to me. But we talked to Jesse, who decided to come home. In the past, when I hit 10-min contractions, it was usually just a few hours until birth. And he wasn't having much luck concentrating at work, knowing I was in labor (I had texted him that morning, letting him know what was going on).
By the time Jesse got home at about 4:30pm, contractions were averaging 5 minutes apart, but not really getting stronger. They were easy enough to notice at this point, and had the classic feel of starting low, with the tightening gradually moving to the top of my uterus, but they still were easy peasy to walk and talk through. By dinner time, they were 3min apart, and I thought for sure we'd have a baby within a couple hours. I had my friend Jenny on call for child care, I let my midwife know they were getting closer, but she could tell they still weren't hard for me. In fact, I later learned that she wasn't even counting any of this as real labor, since it wasn't really affecting me.
Things kind of continued to hold steady for a couple hours at that point. We ended up going ahead and putting the kids to bed. I laid with Alex and sang him songs until he fell asleep. And when I was done, I decided I was tired of messing around at this point, and started walking around our little block to see if I could kick things into gear. I kept a brisk pace, talked to baby, sang to baby, enjoyed the warm night air, and did something like 6 laps around the block. Which, if you calculate it, ends up being more than a mile and a half. While I walked, both Jesse and my midwife called and checked in on me. While I was walking, I was having contractions about 2min apart, and some of them were nice and strong, but most were still about the same. Okay, midwife said, keep me updated, let me know when you want us to come. It still wasn't hard, though. And that's always been my gauge. When it feels like I need to stop and breathe through contractions, that's when things are getting serious, and when I need to move forward with plans, whether it's for having midwives over or for going to the hospital. Any earlier than that is silly. And I still hadn't gotten there, despite the close contractions.
Finally, I got tired of walking. I went back inside and took a rest at my computer, sitting on my exercise ball and keeping my hips moving. At that point, contractions seemed like they stopped. Oh, no. This was not familiar. All my other labors had followed such a similar, predictable pattern. This one was definitely throwing me for a loop, with my water leaking all day, contractions being slow to start, never getting difficult, and now fading away. Now I was getting worried, because I know that there would be pressure to go the hospital and get an induction if my water was broken for much longer without any progress. (I would probably refuse, if all things felt otherwise normal to me, but I don't like pressure and confrontation, and so the whole situation bothered me immensely.) For the next few hours, I was having extremely weak contractions very irregularly, from 12 minutes apart to maybe 25 minutes apart. I was beyond frustrated. I kept thinking how my labors have only ever been 7.5-9 hours from the very first contraction until baby is born, and here I was, almost 24 hours after my water started leaking, with practically nothing to show for it. My one consolation was that at least it hadn't been a day full of hard work. Yes, there were contractions, but nothing difficult or exhausting, at all. Just a lot of mental and emotional exhaustion surrounding the advent of birth. Around 9pm, I called my midwife again, frustrated and asking for suggestions. Her advice was to go to bed, get some rest, and start seriously trying to move things along in the morning. Honestly, I hated that advice. I wanted to be done hours ago, not thinking about doing it all over again the next day, and with some sort of time limit stamped into my brainwaves!! So I kept trying to keep things going while Jesse and I watched TV. I paced, I did lunges, I did pelvic tilts, I bounced on my exercise ball... I just didn't want to hold still and have things completely stop. But finally, around 11pm, I gave up. We gave up. Off to bed we went, discouraged and everything. Jesse fell asleep pretty quickly. I continued to stew quietly.
Then suddenly, at 11:32pm, I had another contraction. But this one really got my attention - it was a minute and a half long, and felt much stronger than any before it had. It's peak definitely made me practice my relaxation and breathing, and it dissipated slowly. It felt like a tide rolling in through my body very slowly, reaching a peak, and then slowly moving back out, taking the pain along with it. I logged it on my iPod application, and I continued to lay in bed. 11 minutes later, another one just like it, this one 1min 44sec long. 10 min later, another, this one 2min 24sec. This is it!! It was finally serious labor!! I was thrilled. But those contractions were not fun, lol. I had somehow managed to tell myself the whole day before, with those early labor contractions, that labor and delivery would be a lot easier than I remembered. These contractions made me realized I had really been a fool to think that! No, it would definitely be hard work. More contractions, more tides rolling in bringing pain, rolling out taking the pain away. I had heard of this visualization before, but this was the first time it really felt like that to me.
12:09am
12:18am
12:36am (using the bathroom instead of lying still surprisingly spaced this one out)
12:48am
12:53am - 5 minutes!
1:02am - 9 minutes
I told myself at this point that if I had 2 in a row that were close to 5 minute apart, I'd call the midwife and have her come over. I was starting to feel different. Tingly. Warm. At about the same time, Alex woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep, so Jesse was busy trying to keep him in bed, knowing our room (where he usually sleeps on the floor in a sleeping bag if he wakes up in the middle of the night) wouldn't be a good place for him to be this time.
1:13 - 5 minutes
1:19 - 6 minutes.
That was it. I called in the troops. Midwives said they'd be over shortly, and Jesse's sister Rachel was asked to come and stay in the kids' room with them while things were happening. Rachel made it first. Midwives took a bit longer to get here than I expected, since it's less than a 10 minute drive. I guess talking to each other on the phone and gathering equipment takes a little extra time. Anyway, by the time I told people to come, I was already done having 5 minute contractions. They were now only 2 1/2 minutes apart, sometimes less than a minute:
1:21am
1:23
1:25
1:28
1:30
1:32
1:34
1:36
1:38
And these contractions were all BIG contractions. Long, painful. It was only a couple contractions into that list that I could not keep walking in the middle of them. I had to lean over and grab a chair, moan loudly. I started to panic just a little bit about doing this all over again. I remember very clearly that I told Jesse I was not happy that I'd have to push out another baby. My mindset was very different for this birth compared to my last one... instead of eager and excited, I was feeling more resigned and tolerant. (More like a slightly unwilling martyr?) I knew I was transitioning. I never felt like "I can't do this anymore!" the way you often feel during transition, but I definitely felt "I don't WANT to do this anymore! Not now, not ever!!" I groaned internally, I grimaced, I knew what was coming, knew I could do it, but I didn't want to face it.
But the midwives got here around that time, started quickly setting up their equipment (most of which went unused and unneeded). Jesse helped spread drop cloths and chux pads on the floor next to the bed where it was apparent that I felt like staying. For a long time I stood next to the bed, leaning down to brace myself with my arms during the hardest part of a contraction. I warned the midwives (my midwife, her assistant, and her back-up midwife) that I could tell I was going to need to push soon. I was starting to feel the slightest bit grunt-y through the contractions. Not long after, I was too overwhelmed to continue standing through contractions, and got down on my knees and buried my head into my arms. And yes, soon enough I was pushing. Nobody directed me, nobody really said anything at all. My midwife's assistant, who was managing my birth (I was pleased about that, I like her personality best of the three of them), kept down on the floor, kept an eye on the birth canal, and did frequent monitoring of baby's heart rate with a stethoscope. Jesse often rubbed my back lightly through contractions, which felt heavenly and wonderfully distracting. I wish I could have found my voice enough to ask him to keep doing that constantly, but I was too far gone at that point. If I would have had it in me, I probably would have cried. I really, really did not want to be in labor, to be pushing, again. The only clear thought running through my head was something along the lines of "I hate this so much! I don't want to have to do this!" And it's odd, because I've never thought anything along those lines in any of my previous births. It was a very negative turn for me to take, and I wish it wasn't that way, but that's where I went this time. Maybe if the whole process hadn't been so drawn out, things might have been better. I was much more excited the previous afternoon, after all!
Anyway, I didn't look at a clock at all during any of this. Jesse thinks I pushed for about 20 minutes... if you count even the first few perfunctory pushes that hardly count for anything, it might have been that long. By the time I got serious and was pushing through entire contractions, it wasn't very long at all. Maybe 5 or 6 entire contractions?. Still, it was definitely longer than I pushed with Alex, and longer than I pushed with Jacob... I can't remember about Melinda's birth. Might have been about the same with her. Anyway, the whole sensation is utterly awful and uncomfortable, and only increased my desire to cry, even if I couldn't physically bring myself to do it. All I could do was push through it, unwillingly, but half desperate at the same time.
We got up into bed, I got tasty drinks and warm blankets, and lots more snuggles with my newest little boy. We just sort of kicked back and relaxed for a good long time, trying to nurse, but a certain little someone not being very interested. And waiting for the placenta to be delivered. Finally, after about 45 minutes, my midwife asked if I felt like I could push it out, even if I don't have the urge. I thought I could, so I went ahead and pushed. It came out easily, though it's always a little startling at how big it feels! Finally we could get on with the postpartum care. I don't remember what order everything happened in, but they checked me out and I had only a slight tear for which I decided I'd forgo stitches. The placenta was placed in a gallon-sized bag and set near me for a long time... maybe 2 hours?... before we cut the cord. During this time, Alex (who had stayed awake this whole time! Thank goodness Rachel was there!) came in to meet his new baby brother, and was instantly in love with how cute and small he was. Rachel also got to meet him nice and early, due to being with Alex. :) Just a couple minutes later and Melinda got out of bed for a drink of water and stopped in to say hello, too. Jacob slept right through it all, and we opted not to wake him, so his first meeting was in the morning when he woke up on his own.
Baby was eventually weighed, and while I knew he looked small compared to Alex, was was shocked to find I had just birthed my smallest baby yet - only 8lb 6oz! Beat Melinda by 1oz. ;) Brown hair a similar shade to Melinda's, long fingernails, no real vernix to speak of, but nice fuzzy languno on his shoulders He had a lump on his head, which my midwife initially called a caput, but eventually revised to hematoma. The difference being mostly how long it takes to go away. I really liked this information I read about it:
A cephalohematoma is a collection of blood under the periosteum. It is almost always a complication of childbirth. It most commonly occurs when the fetal head is forced through the birth canal; the head is propelled forward while the cervix grips the scalp tenaciously. This sliding, tearing force can tear tiny veins that nourish the periosteum from the bone side. This tearing of vessels causes bleeding (hemorrhage) under the tough covering of each bony plate (the periosteum), and a tense pocket of blood collects. This is apparently a painless process.
The result is a squishy swelling with distinct borders that feels just as if there were a tiny water-filled balloon under the scalp. It is differentiated from caput succedaneum in that the caput is a more generalised and very temporary swelling of the scalp and disappears in a day or two, but the cephalohematoma becomes more distinct to see and feel over the first few days of life.
The course of a newborn's uncomplicated cephalohematoma in itself is benign. The trapped blood cells break down and the component parts are reabsorbed into the system for recycling or disposal. The heme becomes bilirubin, the iron is recycled into new red blood cells. Calcium is deposited in the resolving cephalohematoma, especially around the edge where the dura mater has been lifted up. As the swelling begins to resolve, you will feel a distinct hard ridge around the edge of the swelling, with a soft, balloon-like center.
Eventually, the entire remaining mass of the cephalohematoma becomes hard and calcified, and then it too is reabsorbed and disappears. Within a few months there will be no physical or xray detectable trace of the swelling.
After all the exams and cleaning up was done, it was about 4:30am. Midwives said goodbye, kids were in bed (and finally asleep), and we turned off the lights and went to sleep, ourselves. Baby continued to not be very interested in nursing, which made me a little nervous, but it was nice to go to sleep. Finally. (The night before when my water started leaking, I hadn't been able to fall asleep until at least 1am because of heartburn, then I was up at 7am to get the kids to school, and of course didn't nap that whole day because I was in labor... and while Jesse went to sleep when we "gave up" on labor happening, I finally had contractions, and so yeah... I was more than ready for sleep by 4:30am!)
The whole first day or so, I still didn't feel like he was nursing well. I'm used to my kids latching on and wanting to stay latched on for a long, long, time. When he latched, it just seemed lazy and uninterested, and only lasted a very short time. Somehow still, my milk managed to come in within 2 days, and then finally he seemed interested in nursing... though, still less than I was used to. We had a weigh-in after just a couple days because I was concerned, and he had dropped down to 8lb 1oz, which was well within the range of normal. He was back up to his birth weight at 3 days. When we checked again 4 days later (1 week old), he was up to 9lb 1oz! At his 2-week check, he was 9lb 8oz, and slight yellowing from typical jaundice was already improving. Growing well. :)
We've had just a couple rough nights out of 2.5 weeks, and thank goodness I've had people already in place to take care of my kids on the days following those, so I could catch up on sleep one he finally passed out.
So when he was born, thought we'd call him Malcolm, but didn't decide for sure until after we had slept. I spent a lot of the next day working through my list of middle names, and Jesse being completely unhelpful, as expected. ;) I started just crossing off names that didn't seem quite right, and Malcolm Reed was left. I just liked the way it sounded together, no special reason. Jesse decided he didn't object, so I made it official. :)
So there you have it, Malcolm Reed Newson, born September 29th at 2:11am, in our 2-bedroom apartment. Four kids in one small space! It seems a little surreal that we now have 4 children, but at the same time, he is precious and the kids love him to death, and so do mom and dad. Even Alex, who I've been worried about having jealousy issues, has been completely in love with Malcolm, and so far has no problems at all, but just loves being a big brother. Here's to many more days, weeks, and years to our new happy family!
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| 40 weeks :) |
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| 39 weeks - the day I went into labor |
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
6 weeks
And if I'm going to work towards losing weight, I need to be more accountable for what I eat.
Like... I shouldn't go ahead and finish off the rest of my baby shower cake that was sent home with me just because I can. Or, I really shouldn't have two bowls of super chocolate fudge brownie ice cream in one day just because the kids have driven me crazy and it's a nice source of comfort. And I definitely shouldn't let Jesse come home with a dozen of my favorite "colossal" donuts and then not think twice about eating 4 or 5 in one day.
Now, I suppose since I'm nursing, and extra helping of veggie-filled pasta won't hurt me too much, but I really need to find something that will cure my HUGE sweet tooth cravings without packing on a million calories in one sitting. And I may need to work on some emotional issues... It recently dawned on me that I'm somewhat of an emotional eater. For instance, if the kids are extra tough to handle, I'll crave chocolate that much more. Not crave it, but need it. There's not a physical reason I can think of to actually need chocolate just because you're having a hard day. Or often, if I'm feeling bored, I'll start rummaging through the kitchen to find something to snack on. And this often happens in the 10-11pm range, which is not good for losing weight. So I need to work on how I treat food, I guess. Please allow me to be pouty and sulk about it, though, because I just enjoy treats so much. I guess I just need to moderate how much treats I consume.
But yeah, the postpartum weight has me feeling pretty down. With both of my previous pregnancies, I was back to my postpartum weight by my 6-week checkup. Not so this time, not by a long shot. I was somewhere in the 165-170 range when I discovered this surprise pregnancy. And I was a solid 187 still at my a checkup today. That's a pretty big chunk of weight that I still need to lose....and I wasn't terribly happy with my pre-pregnancy weight, anyway. I'd love to get down to about 150-155. My ideal would be to hit my marriage weight of 140, but considering the changes my body has been through, I've gone ahead and put that weight into the "impossible dream" category for now. But yeah... 20 pounds to pre-pregnancy, 30+ to my ideal. I'd better start doing something. I guess I can't count on just nursing to take care of it for me, this time. Especially not with the crappy eating habits I have.
Otherwise, all is well, aside from a possible plugged duct my midwife felt during my breast exam. The same spot was tender about a week ago, but it had gone away after I worked on it in the shower. Guess I haven't cleared it totally yet.
And we weighed Alex really quickly before we left. Fully dressed and with a bit of a wet diaper, he was at 14lbs 6oz!! What a little chunker. (Come on, can't he count as some sort of exercise, carrying him all day?? Oh yeah, it's not my arms that need help... it's the tummy and butt and thighs...)
Oh, I was also happy to find out this week that our insurance did in fact cover our homebirth like they finally said they would. It took talking to 4 different people... my midwife's receptionist finally got in touch with someone over the phone that said they would. We had gotten a confirmation number sort of thing from that conversation, but in all honesty, I was half expecting a fight, and an oh-so-fun appeal process, thinking they would go ahead and try to not cover it. I'm glad they did. I'd rather not stress about it all! So I happily wrote the check for my responsible amount this afternoon.
I'm also very grateful that Jesse left work early and came with me to the appointment today. Jacob was tired and crazy, and we were there for an hour, and Alex ended up tired and cranky, too. He had his hands full in the office foyer...and I'm so glad I could focus on talking with my midwife instead of keeping the kids' hands off of all the office equipment, or hanging my head in embarrassment at their usual habit of running up and down the office hall as loudly as possible. My husband is wonderful.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Maybe today!!!!
I got up just after Jesse left for work and scrounged up some food for the kids. Used the bathroom again...this time, I noticed bloody show. Went back to my bed to lay down and ponder all of this, and had a couple more contractions before I got up again.
Long story short: From about 7am - 10am, I've gone to the bathroom at least six times to "check", and there has been bloody show each time. I've had contractions about 15-20 minutes apart, generally nice strong ones. Even when I've been up and walking around, or taking a shower, etc. Plus I had this general sense of crampiness, like my bowels want to empty out.
I called and gave heads up to Jesse, the midwife, and my visiting teacher who is planning on doing childcare for me.
We went to the chiropractor. She did the normal adjustment, but also went ahead and hit some accupressure points on my feet as well, that might encourage labor.
Had a couple contractions on the 10-15 minute drive home. Used the bathroom again, and yup (too much info!!) , bowels are definitely loose. I've had several contractions since then, surely closer together than 15 minutes.
So unless this baby is a born practical joker, I'm thinking labor has started.
Jesse is home for lunch and I'm going to start timing these things for real, instead of having just a vague idea of when I'm having contractions. I haven't decided whether I'll let Jesse go back to work or not.
Monday, March 31, 2008
40+5
We headed off to the midwife's office this morning to have a quick check-up and mostly a Non-Stress Test. Everything's looking good. The Non-Stress Test looked beautiful - it even measured a few contractions, and baby's heartbeat always escalated normally with each movement and/or contraction. (speaking of which, there's one happening right now....)
I shared my worries about meconium as we go further past my due date, and my midwife was more than reassuring. She says that in the 4 years she run this practice, they've only had one birth with a large amount of meconium, and even the women who go as far as 42 weeks generally have clear amniotic fluid. I guess meconium staining is much more related to the stress of the mother than the dates of the pregnancy. She admitted that there hasn't been a study showing that, to her knowledge, but it's what she has witnessed over the years (including hospital work, working under a physician, and all that). And if there is meconium, they know how to deal with it. So I am feeling very much more at peace with that particular concern.
Unfortunately we were at the office for a whopping 1.5 hours today, because they got a little behind, and I had to wait for the machine, and all that jazz. The kids were bored out of their minds by the time we were finally out the door, and hungry, too. But wouldn't you know it, as soon as we got to the main road to get back on the freeway, a police car had zoomed past us, and suddenly the road ahead was blocked off. Drats. I was not familiar enough with the area to know an alternate route, but a whole lot of cars were heading for the mall just next to us, so I decided to follow them. It turned out to be fruitless, and I ended up back where I was when I started, after a good 15 minutes of gridlock traffic. I finally spied a McDonalds, and figured that maybe today might be a good day to break the non-McDonalds pattern I've been in for years, just so the kids and I could eat, and maybe the police would have the road cleared by the time we were done. I gave them my order and everything before I realized I had forgotten my wallet at home, for the first time in ages. No wallet = no way to pay for food. But I have my credit card number memorized, so I asked if they could take that. Big fat nope. I sheepishly told them I'd have to cancel, cause I'm a crazy forgetful overdue pregnant lady. Well, I left that part out, but I definitely felt sheepish. So I pulled into a parking spot and thought maybe we could just sit there until they cleared the road. But I was hungry. Melinda was hungry. Jacob had fallen asleep. My bladder was starting to feel strained. I just wanted to get home, you know?
But of course, if I didn't have my wallet, I obviously didn't have my cell phone either (which belongs in the outside pocket of my wallet when we leave the house). So I couldn't call Jesse and ask him to use Google Maps to help me get to the freeway, like I usually do when I get lost. But I couldn't stand just sitting there for who-knows-how-long, anymore, so I decided to bite the bullet and just start driving, hoping we could find a way to loop back to the freeway.
LUCKY ME, I was successful. Followed a couple roads for a mile or two, and eventually looped back to the main road on the right side of the traffic accident, and we were able to get on the freeway unobstructed! WOOHOO!!
Halfway home, Melinda fell asleep, too. And I started getting the most uncomfortable back ache ever. And my bladder felt like exploding. Thank goodness there wasn't any traffic on the freeway, I might have started crying! I finally pulled into our parking lot at home, an entire hour after leaving the midwife's office, left the sleeping kids locked in the van (which I was absolutely paranoid about), and walked as fast as I could manage (there was no way running was going to happen, no matter how badly I wanted to) inside to use the bathroom. And then grab my wallet and run back outside. Both kids still asleep, still safe in the van. Phew. Then we did go grab some fast food, because dangit, it was 2pm and I was starving.
So there's my adventure for the day. Hopefully mommy has learned her lesson about forgetting the wallet. Of course. On the one day I really could have used it!!! Could have used a phone to call Jesse. Could have used money to grab some lunch. Really could have used my license so I wouldn't feel paranoid in case of getting pulled over or into an accident or something. But it all worked out in the end.
And I'm still pregnant. ;)
Wanna put bets on an April Fool's baby, anyone??
Friday, March 28, 2008
I feel so uncomfortable...
Thursday, March 27, 2008
False labor
I was *thisclose*, several times, to calling my midwife and childcare help, but they never felt strong enough to convince me it was "it". They finally ebbed away while we watched a movie. And I haven't had any with regularity this morning.
Sigh.
At least my house is nice and super clean now. If only I could convince myself to make a shopping list and go to the grocery store.
I don't think we'll be going for another long walk in the park today. It's one of those blah drizzly rainy days that I can't stand. Heck, I can't even convince myself to take the kids to the mall right now, even though they could both stand a new pair of shoes for their quickly growing feet. I've never had any sort of false labor before, and after 3 hours of debating myself about whether I was actually in labor or not, and then waking up to nothing new, and a yucky day outside, I'm just feeling a bit grumpy.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Ding! There goes the timer...
(I don't think he's listening.)
Melinda says we have to get the baby out today, because that's where the icon is on her calendar (aka "chart"). Maybe I made a mistake of putting a due date on her calendar.
My 40 week appointment was fine, even if I was disappointed that I had to go in this morning. Last night I had one heck of a back ache... could have been contractions, if there had been any fading in and out along with it, you know? But there wasn't. I was also having Braxton Hicks contractions every 20-40 minutes for several hours last night. But everything stopped when I went to bed, unfortunately. I was really hoping I'd wake up in the middle of the night in labor, you know?
Anyway, I only gained one pound this week (hooray!). I'm measuring a whopping 42 weeks, and midwife says this is definitely a 9-pounder baby. Heartbeat sounded good. My blood pressure was actually lower than my normal, at 98/65 or something like that. My midwife also told me that they have 4 women due right about now. Not a SINGLE ONE OF THEM went into labor with the full moon this past weekend. What a rip-off!! I'm sure they'll be busy with lots of births over the next week!
I had to schedule two appointments for next week, since we start doing Non-Stress Tests at 41 weeks. I also had to take home a referral to set up an ultrasound during week 41 to check the health of the placenta and amniotic fluid levels. I absolutely, 100% definitely do NOT want to make a single one of those appointments.
So today, I'm going out to grab some Evening Primrose Oil (I really should have done it last week, I guess!). And then I'm taking the kids for a long walk at the park. Maybe now that I'm having some decent BH contractions, a walk will actually do something. I **HOPE**.
Send me all the labor vibes you've got!!! :)
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Pregnancy report
Yesterday I had a chiropractor appointment. I think she managed to pop every joint in my spine!! It's been years since I've seen a chiropractor, and I've always been one who wishes that I could spontaneously adjust my own bones, when I start feeling achy. She did get quite a bit of movement out of the right side of my hip, she said. I don't notice any immediate changes in pain, but they became pretty minimal anyway. I go in for a follow-up on Thursday.
My clever volunteer-to-bring-soup-to-Relief-Society idea didn't bring on a baby. I went and enjoyed the evening out. And endured yet a million more questions on whether I'm ready to have this baby yet, and why is it that I want a homebirth, anyway? I feel absolutely silly when I say, "Actually, no, I'd rather wait to have the baby until the weekend, there's too much going on that I'd have to cancel this week if I had the baby any earlier than that! And let's not forget getting those other kids healthy before we add a 3rd to the mix!" And so I've taken to just smiling and saying, "Sure, any day now!" And why do I want a homebirth? I could probably spend half an hour telling you why, and it's hard to find a short answer that satisfies people. So that question really has been annoying me. Oh, and the best - "How are you feeling?" Um....PREGNANT. Very very pregnant. At least that one is both honest and makes people laugh. ;) Okay, but the night, aside from all the questions, really was nice. Except for the fact that the kids were still awake when I got home. Sigh.
By the way, Jacob came down with a fever yesterday. I thought he felt a little warm in the morning, but didn't think much of it. However, after spending a while on the couch watching a show, he got up and his cheeks were just absolutely flushed. I did my best to take his temperature, and it came out 101.2, despite not being under his tongue the entire time because he didn't like it and wouldn't cooperate. He was still very hot when he went to sleep last night. He's acting much better this morning, and his appetite is back. Hopefully, the fever won't resurface later in the day....
I also had a dermatologist appointment to take care of that blood-blister-like thing on my finger. I was reminded that the technical name for it is a Pyogenic Granuloma. Commonly called a "pregnancy tumor", and can occur in about 5% of pregnancies, usually on the hands or in the mouth (ugh!??). It was a quick appointment, just as I had expected, since I've done this before (but apparently he didn't have it in my records...how odd...). He first numbed it, which hurt like CRAZY!!!!!, and then dug it out with a sharp instrument, and cauterized the feeding blood vessel. Nothing like hearing and smelling the burning of your own flesh. Ew. Melinda wanted to see it when I got back home. I told her it was very ugly (it is a large burnt pit in my finger, after all), but she still wanted to see it. As soon as I took off the band aid to show it to her, she gets a horrified look on her face, and practically yells "Put it back on!!!!" Interestingly, I found out just now that often times, these granulomas will spontaneously heal after the delivery. Maybe I should have waited it out instead of getting an ugly volcano crater burnt into my finger. But it was getting freakishly annoying and bled really easily.
And of course, my 39 week prenatal visit. Over the past few days, I've had a slight increase of swelling. I noticed my ring starting to get pretty tight, so I took it off and put it away last night. And my socks are definitely leaving lines in my skin after I take them off. Near my toes is the slightest bit puffy. Ankles are still perfectly visible as of right now! But the increased swelling combined with my blood pressure caused some initial concern at today's appointment. The first reading was 138/98 or something like that (I can never remember blood pressure numbers very well). My normal has been closer to 110/70's. They had me lay on my left side for a while, then took my blood pressure while laying down. That reading was 94/48, ridiculously low compared to the other reading. When I made a comment, Evelyn did say that they've never taken my blood pressure while laying down before, and it does make a pretty big difference when you're pregnant, I guess. We also took one more blood pressure reading at the end of the appointment, and it was much closer to normal - 118/78 or something. So I don't know why the first reading was so high, but I'm glad they took the time to keep checking. However, I am supposed to keep an eye on my swelling and report if it gets noticeably worse, or if I start having headaches, etc.
I'm also supposed to be eating more protein and making sure I get lots of water. I've been a bit bad on both counts over the last couple weeks.
I asked Evelyn to guess the baby's weight just for fun. She said, "And that won't put you off?" (assuming she meant, if the baby seems big...) No, I assured her, I'd be fine with a big baby. She guessed that the baby is very very close to 9 pounds right now. And honestly, that's what I've guessed myself. She easily identified the location of the head, back and feet. She said that the baby's head is very low, basically "right there". Also, I apparently had a contraction while she was feeling the baby from my stomach. I had absolutely NO sensation of tightening or anything. So who knows, maybe I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions, and I just haven't been noticing them at all. Baby also kicked quite a few times while we were listening to the heartbeat.
She said that if I want to, I can take some Evening Primrose Oil (an herbal supplement that basically ripens the cervix) on a daily basis. I may pick some up after my chiro appointment tomorrow if it still seems like nothing is happening.
But between the baby's head being so low, the full moon being on Friday, and me being very close to my due date now, and the fact that Melinda was only 4 days over, and Jacob was 4 days under my due date .... I think I'd be quite surprised (and very annoyed) if the baby didn't come within the next week. Still rooting for an Easter baby - BUT I wouldn't mind going into labor anytime after tomorrow's chiro appointment. ;)
Thursday, March 13, 2008
38 week appointment
Everything is still normal. My blood pressure looked like it had jumped a bit, until we switched to a slightly bigger cuff, and then it was back to normal. Baby is still head down, heartbeat still sounding like a solid 150bpm. It looks like maybe his back is leaning towards my spine, instead of away from it, but it's nothing too concerning... just makes for a possibility of back labor because of posterior position. But Jacob was supposedly posterior, and he managed to flip while I was in labor just fine. My GBS test came back negative - yay for being in the clear for that! Definitely one less worry.
I told them about the pain I had last week, and how it's barely there now. I was very gently chastised for not calling them right away when I was in such pain. ("We really want to be able to help you, but you have to let us know when you have a problem, first!") They gave me a referral to a chiropractor mere minutes from me, and asked me to set up an appointment to at very least make sure my pelvis isn't terribly misaligned so labor can be smoother.
When I was in my late pregnancy with Jacob, I developed a little blood blister-looking thing on my thumb. We all thought it was a wart for a long time, but I finally ended up at a dermatologist, who explained it was (in my words) a crazy grouping of blood vessels that basically couldn't function normally because of hormones causing them to mutate or something, most likely after I had injured that particular spot. They just kept growing bigger and bigger, and couldn't tell when it was necessary to clot. So if I poked it, it would bleed like crazy. We took care of it by cutting it out and cauterizing it. It healed quickly and left a small scar.
So what decided to pop up on my middle finger a few weeks ago? Same kind of thing. I've got a new blister-like thing on my middle finger. I was thinking I would wait till after the baby to have it taken care of, but it's gotten bigger and more tender and more annoying since then, so that I basically have to have a band aid on it all the time to keep myself from breaking it open on accident. So I made an appointment to have it taken care of. It's for next Wednesday morning, so hopefully I'll be able to make it. ;)
Agh, well, Jacob is crying at me for no sensible reason, so I better stop there. (Anyone want a couple bored-out-of-their-minds kids for a week or two??)
Friday, March 7, 2008
It has a name
This is a follow-up to yesterday's post.
I love it when I can place a name to a symptom. Once I do, a whole world of reading is available on the internet. And yeah...this is definitely what I have.
Does that last paragraph sound exactly like my previous post, or what?!?The symptoms vary from person to person, but almost all women who have it experience substantial pubic pain. Tenderness and pain down low in the front is common, but often this pain feels as if it's inside. The pubic area is generally very tender to the touch; many moms find it painful when the doctor or midwife pushes down on the pubic bone while measuring the uterus (fundal height).
Any activity that involves lifting one leg at a time or parting the legs tends to be particularly painful. Lifting the leg to put on clothes, getting out of a car, bending over, sitting down or getting up, walking up stairs, standing on one leg, lifting heavy objects, and walking in general tend to be difficult at times. Many women report that moving or turning over in bed is especially excruciating.
Looks like chiropractic care may or may not help. I'm asking around for a good prenatal chiro right now, and if I get a good recommendation, I'll try out at least one adjustment. Otherwise, here are suggestions from the same resource:
Use a pillow between your legs when sleeping; body pillows are a great investment! (already do this one)I've been sitting on my exercise ball on rocking my hips since yesterday evening, and it seems to have helped. I don't hurt quite so much today. Although last night I absolutely could not get comfortable in a side-lying position. I ended up piling up what seemed like 20 pillows behind me, so that I could sleep in a semi-reclining position. Not the most comfortable thing in the world, and I woke up more frequently than I would have liked, but at least my pelvis wasn't bothering me.
Use a pillow under your 'bump' (pregnancy tummy) when sleeping (yup, this one too)
Keep your legs and hips as parallel/symmetrical as possible when moving or turning in bed (hard hard hard to do, but a little easier if you don't remove the pillow first)
Some women also find it helpful to have their partners stabilize their hips and hold them 'together' when rolling over in bed or otherwise adjusting position
Some women report a waterbed mattress to be helpful
Swimming may help relieve pressure on the joint (too bad the pool is closed till summer!)
Deep water aerobics or deep water running may be helpful as well
Keep your legs close together and move symmetrically
When standing, stand symmetrically, with your weight evenly distributed through both legs
Sit down to get dressed, especially when putting on underwear or pants (it may help, but you still have to lift a leg to get clothes on, you know?)
Avoid 'straddle' movements
Swing your legs together as a unit when getting in and out of cars; use plastics or something smooth and slippery (like a garbage bag) on the car seat to help you enter car backwards and then turn your legs as a unit
An ice pack may feel soothing and help reduce inflammation in the pubic area
Move slowly and without sudden movements
If bending over to pick up objects is difficult, there are devices available that can help with this
Some women report that pelvic binders/maternity support belts are helpful for pelvic pain; brands in the U.S. include Prenatal Cradle or BabyHugger or the Reenie Belt. However, if the pelvic bones are really misaligned, some women report more pain with these. Listen to your body on whether to use these.
Other information on pubic symphysis I found helpful:
Be extremely careful of birth positioning. Certain positions are better than others. Avoid stirrups!
- Don't give birth on your back - Many cases of pubic symphysis injury occur in this position
- Don't give birth semi-sitting - This tends to force the baby's head against the pubic symphysis, putting pressure on it to 'give' more. It also prevents the coccyx/tailbone and sacrum from moving out of the way during birth, and thus the only joint available with any 'give' to it would be the pubic symphysis, which puts it at greater risk for damage
- Don't use stirrups - This widens the gap between the legs and strains the pubic symphysis
- Use 'alternative' birth positions - These include standing, kneeling, and all fours in particular. You may have to search for a provider that is comfortable using these positions throughout labor. Some doctors will 'permit' women to use alternative positions until just before baby's head crowns, but often want the woman back in the traditional stirrups or semi-sitting position for crowning of the head and delivery of the shoulders. However, crowning and birth of the shoulders is the most critical time for prevent pubic symphysis damage, so really look for a doctor or midwife that is willing to 'let' a woman be in whatever position feels best to her for birth. If you must be in a more 'traditional' position because of other concerns, try side-lying as this takes the pressure off of the pubic symphysis and allows the coccyx and sacrum to move somewhat. Otherwise, all-fours or leaning back over a birth ball may be best
- Listen to your body - Your body usually will tell you what position you need to take in order to help baby out while avoiding damage to your joint. This may be contrary to what your nurses or provider are telling you, but give preference to the positions that feel best to you. For example, sitting forward in a "C" is the position promoted in most hospitals, but Kmom found arching the back to be most helpful. This helped her baby move under the pubic arch and be born rapidly, while in the traditional "C" semi-sitting position, there was no descent of the baby and great pain instead. Other women with pubic pain have reported that arching the back during pushing was helpful too. Use the position your body tells you to!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Ow ow ow ow Ow OW!!!!
And no, I don't mean amazing in a good way, not at all!
A few days ago I noticed a new oddity of my pregnancy - every time I tried to lift my leg far enough to, say...put a sock on, or a pair of pants, or to kick my sheets into place, I would get a really big pain in my groin. Enough to make me vocalize my discomfort, and complain about it. I've never had this happen in my previous pregnancies, at least not enough for a memory to stick in my head, so I did bring it up with my midwife yesterday. As I expected, it's totally normal, and, in my midwife's words, just my pelvic bones saying, "HEY, I remember all this pressure!" and reacting to it. Not in a fun way. But, at least it wasn't persistent pain, just made getting dressed and stuff like that even more difficult than it already was.
But it couldn't stay that way, could it? Nope. Today, from the moment I woke up this morning, until now, at 3:45pm, I've basically been in constant pain down there. I can't take a step without it hurting. I can't go from standing to sitting, or sitting to standing, without it hurting. I can't lift my leg even a centimeter without it hurting. I can't push the brake pedal in my car without it hurting. I think you're starting to get the picture, right? About the only time it doesn't hurt is when I'm sitting perfectly still. I seriously feel like I need a walker (you know, the kind geriatrics push around, with wheels on two of the legs...).
And worst of all, Melinda wanted me to wait outside the bathroom for her while she did her business, and told me I could lay down on my bed. I thought that sounded like a lovely idea, so I did. But just a couple minutes later, when she was ready for some help, it took MONUMENTAL effort to get myself off of that bed. I could hardly turn over, because, *gasp*, I would actually have to put distance between my legs in order to get to my other side, which I needed to do so I could get off the bed. I was starting to think I might actually seriously injure myself by trying to do something as simple as turn over, on my own bed. I'm guessing the problem was probably that I didn't shove a pillow between my knees before I laid down. But STILL!! I mean, it shouldn't feel like I'm murdering myself just to turn over!!!
Please please please let this not continue for the next three weeks! I might relegate myself to become a useless lump on the couch if it does!!
Now, to depart from the whining: I meant to do pictures yesterday to add to my 37 weeks pregnant post. And I could go add them in there, after the fact, but then I doubt anyone would look. So I'll just add them here.
Melinda took the pictures for me, which means you can't see my face. She can't manage to take a decent picture if she holds the camera sideways (cuts off my belly, every single time, or aims to high, etc.). Anyway, here I am in all my 37 weeks of belly:
And here, you can see all my lovely stretch marks, and cute little Jacob joining in on the belly show-off. :)








