Meditation

When I was 17, I spent my last year at Young Women Camp as a youth counselor. It was, I think, the 3rd year we went to Ensign Ranch in Cle Elum, Washington for the camp experience. As a youth counselor, I was one of a few older girls "in charge" of a group of younger girls. I didn't have any skill requirements to fulfill that year, but I was supposed to help the younger girls with their classes and assignments.

Unfortunately, it was a really bad experience. Everyone in my group drove me absolutely crazy. A bunch of semi-rebellious, whiny, bickering girls. I never had a moment of peace. Even when it came time to escape into a deep sleep, I couldn't, because of several loud snorers. After 4 days of being with them constantly, and getting very little reprieve, I was feeling very done with them all, and very ready to snap.

So on the last day of camp, my friend Lisa, along with her visiting friend Liz, got together and ended up sharing our frustrations with each other. We all felt similarly at that point in time. There was some free time after dinner, and then there would be a fireside (a.k.a. devotional), as was the tradition for the last day of camp. It was meant to be the spiritual highlight of our camp experience, and usually, it was. But this year, it was different. Myself, Lisa and Liz decided to spend our free time by walking down to the river. While we were there, we experienced a great amount of stress relief, just enjoying the quiet sounds of the river and the chirping birds, talking about God, and even singing hymns together. We all felt so peaceful and rejuvenated. Soon, enough time had passed and we could hear the group gathering back at the campgrounds for the fireside. But we decided to stay at the river and continue our own little form of a devotional.

It was terribly irresponsible of us. Nobody knew where we were, and we didn't think about that aspect. My dad, who was in the Stake Presidency at that time, was visiting that night, as priesthood leaders often do over the duration of Girls' Camp. Pretty soon it was obvious that nobody could say where the three of us were, and they started fearing that we were kidnapped. They had the whole ranch staff and a good number of camp leaders searching for us, before someone finally discovered us down by the river. We felt terrible for the worry we had caused, of course, none of us normally being the type to cause trouble.

In the end, though, I still cherish the way I felt during that spiritual time at the edge of a river, finding so much peace and joy after a particularly maddening week. At the conclusion of the evening (and with special, almost begrudging permission from the adult leaders), our group went out to the fields to watch the stars. Ensign Ranch is enough in the middle of nowhere that you can really see the stars, too. And while we laid down on the grass, all the ill feelings I had experienced during the week seemed to disappear. We all linked elbows in sisterhood, admired the countless stars in universe- the depth of the nighttime sky just overwhelming- and sang the hymns that almost seemed to come unbidden because of the reverence we felt towards God's magnificent creation. One that we sang had me absolutely in tears as we sang it, because of how the words exactly matched my feelings and experiences of that day. Even now, it is still one of my very favorite hymns... I can't sing it without feeling close to tears and remembering this experience, which in some sort of odd way, is one of the most tender and powerful spiritual experiences I've had in my life.

How Great Thou Art

O Lord my God! When I in awesome wonder

Consider all the works Thy hands have made.

I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,

Thy power through-out the universe displayed.

Refrain:

Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee;

How great Thou art, how great Thou art!

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee:

How great Thou art, how great Thou art!

When through the woods and forest glades I wander

And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees;

When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur

And hear the brook and feel the gentle breeze:

(Repeat Refrain.)

And when I think that God, His Son not sparing,

Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;

That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing,

He bled and died to take away my sin:

(Repeat Refrain.)

When Christ shall come with shouts of acclamation

And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart!

Then I shall bow in humble adoration,

And there proclaim, my God, how great Thou art!

(Repeat Refrain.)

Despite the chastising that we got for practically running away and giving half the camp a heart attack (my poor dad included), my wise and loving Young Women leader, who I always admired greatly, later taught a Sunday lesson to our class and incorporated our experience into the message. She actually commended us for the way we sought out peace during an otherwise turmoil-filled time by being still and quiet in the heart of nature. Meditation, she told us, was such an important part of growing spiritually. And I knew she was right - I had felt the Spirit so strongly, and felt so close to my Heavenly Father.

All of this was on my mind last night as I was reflecting on an article I read online yesterday. The opening quote, by President David O. McKay, read:

Spirituality . . . is the consciousness of victory over self, and of communion with the Infinite.

In our worship there are two elements: One is the spiritual communion arising from our own meditation; the other, instruction from others. . . . Of the two, the more profitable . . . is the meditation. Meditation is one of the most secret, most sacred doors through which we pass into the presence of the Lord.

The article was a long read, but I enjoyed the concept of using a traditional yoga meditation, combined with spiritual mantras, to increase one's spirituality and get a better handle on Christlike attributes. I am often overwhelmed by the constant thread of thoughts running through my head... It seems like at any given time, I have about 3 different things going on in my mind. A song, an aimless and fleeting thought, and an internal conversation with myself, all happening at the very same moment, along with maybe more. The idea of an empty and still mind seems almost impossible to me (how on earth can you actually get your brain to stop talking for even one second??), but the author shared his experiences of how his daily practice over a course of three years led him to being "much less defensive, selfish, impatient, and judgmental. [He] had also become far more emotionally vulnerable, open, and honest." In essence, more Christlike. My experience at Girls' Camp seems to be in line with his experience. Opening up to the quiet, especially while surrounded by nature, and experiencing reverence for all of God's gifts and creations really left me feeling much closer to Heavenly Father, and my previous impatience, anger, defensiveness, etc., all seemed to melt away and be replaced by a great love and emotional honesty.

It would be so wonderful to feel like that every day. As I was reminded by the article, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin said, “You are not a human being in search of a spiritual experience. You are a spiritual being immersed in a human experience.” So often, I get lost in the human experience. Especially since becoming a mother. I used to have regular times when I could be alone with my thoughts. Even as a teenager, I could escape to my room behind a closed door, and write in my journal, read my scriptures, or pray without being interrupted. But now, when all the kids are all quiet and asleep at the same time, I find myself enjoying the (very) rare quiet moments other ways, by just enjoying uninterrupted leisure time. It's been far too long since I've had such a spiritual moment as I experienced at camp that year. And reading this article and remembering my experience really make me miss it. Especially after weeks I've had like this one, when it feels like practically every moment of the day is making me lose grip with the kind of mother (person!) I want to be... where fights and whining and fits seem to swallow me whole, and my reactions to them become increasingly more impatient and angry.

I would love to find a way to incorporate a block of time into my daily routine to truly attempt to meditate, to connect to my spiritual self, to let the negative feelings slip away, and replace them with Christlike love and patience.... even if it isn't while I'm surrounded by nature. I just can't figure out how I would manage to do that. I so rarely have any block of time where I can be completely uninterrupted.

But in the end, I would just love to have (or find?) time to really follow the scripture:

Psalms 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God.