In September 2009, a year and a half ago, Jesse lost his job. While there really wasn't much holding us to Maryland at that point, and moving back to Colorado seemed like the obvious choice, we didn't make the decision lightly. We prayed about it, went to the temple and thought about it.... and in the end, we both felt the decision confirmed in our hearts as the right thing to do. With so many engineering companies in the greater Denver area, and the Spirit's confirmation leading us back there, we thought for sure we'd be taken care of in no time at all. But weeks turned into months, and months turned into more than a year... and through it all, it got harder and harder to keep up hope that it was all going to work out. Unemployment benefits were quickly winding down, and job opportunities- while plentiful- rarely got beyond first contact. I could see Jesse go in and out (but mostly in, as time wore on) of moods that, in my mind, were obvious signs of him feeling useless and unwanted, hopeless and desperate, and maybe a little bit of giving up. It was often a sad state of living, and definitely a trying time. But we tried our best to keep reminding ourselves that we were sure we were following the right path. Things were just taking a lot longer than we hoped they would.
In the meantime, we were so very blessed to have family close by. To have a very affordable place to live. To have good schools, and to be making friend. To enjoy the wonderful scenery around us, and live in a city we love. While it was admittedly frustrating at times having Jesse around all the time, it was almost always a big blessing. The kids got to see their dad so much. We grew closer as a family, and as a married couple. Constant time together will do that, right? And so even though times were often difficult, they were also happy, overall.
The new year of 2011 seemed different to me. Not quite the same as other new years. Maybe a little bit more special. This was the second new year in a row with Jesse being unemployed. And in my mind, it seemed that this HAD to be the year that things would turn around for us. And then, something special happened. I was sitting in Relief Society listening to a talk about hope, of all things. I can't remember any specific quotes, or scriptures, or thoughts presented, or who the teacher even was... I only remember a very specific impression I got. As I was sitting there, I suddenly knew-- "This year, good things are going to happen." It was like my own thought, but it was stronger. I felt it in my mind and in my heart, and it almost seemed to seep into my entire being. I just KNEW! I couldn't help but smile. My heart felt so light. Things were going to get better! Jesse would get a job! Our lives would move forward again!! I would swear that the thought came straight from my Heavenly Father. A message to me, to not give up hope. Things would get better. Just be patient.
Soon Jesse attended a job fair and got a few really good contacts. We were so excited about them! But follow-ups were just along the lines of "Well, our hiring manager is busy with x and y right now, he might get around to interviews in a week or two", but it would go on and on. As excited as we were about these new opportunities, they didn't flesh out. Then he got a call out of the blue from a recruiter, about a solar company. Again, we were very excited!! And it was so close to that lesson on hope that all my emotional energy was invested in these opportunities. Surely one of them would work out! But again, things fizzled, and contacts never progressed to anything useful.
And then -shock- we found out we were pregnant! I wish I could say I was immediately happy, but far from it. I had plans this time - I wanted to lose weight (a year and a half of stress did unkind things to my body), get in shape, take care of some chronic issues I was dealing with, get out of the diaper stage for a while, go on adventures with my husband (an overnight backpacking trip in the mountains sounded especially appealing), get a bigger house, get a more reliable car, get a steady income, and on and on and on. I did NOT want to be pregnant for at least another year or two. And here I was, unexpectedly holding a positive pregnant test. All those dreams seemed to crash down and burn all around me. I was more than a little crushed. But at least I didn't cry - I cried when I found out I was pregnant with Alex, because I was so NOT ready. But I learned that adding him to our family turned out to be perfect timing, and I couldn't imagine life without him. So at least this time, with a new surprise pregnancy, I knew it would all be okay, and we would be happy. I just wasn't excited about it.
....pregnancy turned out to be one of those "good things". Gained extra hope about that from Sheri Dew.
Sheri Dew (former member of the General RS Presidency) was the guest speaker. It was an *amazing* talk. I was in tears for at least half of it. She was saying exactly the things I needed to hear. She talked for almost two hours, so it's hard to summarize what she said, but her most important message to me personally was something I already knew in my heart, but desperately needed to be reminded of: Heavenly Father knows and loves you personally. He knows your individual situation. He sent you to earth with an individual mission. He knows exactly which blessings you are in need of, and when you need them. If you trust in Him, and don't turn away from him, but rather towards him, in times of trouble or distress, He will bless you when and where and how you need it. And if you strive to follow His will for you, you will be happy, because you are fulfilling the mission you came to earth with. She said she likes to think of each of us coming to earth with a little "to-do list pinned to our lapel". When we accomplish our mission, we're happy. My patriarchal blessing told me that my "greatest mission" is that of motherhood. So how can another baby not end up making me happy, even if it's in less than ideal circumstances?? I have to trust that the Lord will take care of us. We have been fine thus far, we can make it a little longer. It's a test of my faith, to be sure... but I also felt the strong impression during her talk that I was doing well in trusting the Lord and leaning on Him during this period of my life.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: "If your prayers don't always seem answered, take heart.... If for a while, the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived." I felt such a great truth in that sentiment. Like confirmation that our current life situation doesn't reflect on the quality of our beings. We have a hard time to make us stronger, and bring us closer to the Lord.
