When those terrible tornadoes went tearing through Oklahoma about a month ago, leveling schools and ripping lives apart, I had such a thought. I was in the middle of feeling a deep despair for all these families, especially the children, who lived though such a terrifying experience, wondering how they could deal with something so inexplicably *bad*. I was crying over their terror that they must have felt in the moment. Crying over the loss of the families whose loved ones didn't make it. Imagining my own children in a similar situation as those little school children. It all seemed so horrifying, so wrong, so awful, so unfair, so hard....
It was in this moment of deep sorrow that the thought came to me, "The hard things are the good things." The thought caught me off guard. It didn't make any sense to me, but I felt like it was really True. As I mulled over it, I realized that all this thinking about tragedy was making me value things and people in my own life that much more. And how every time something "bad" has happened to our family, it has done nothing but help us on other, more important levels. The things that other people, or even us, have perceived as "hard" are definitely hard... but they have always brought along with them a strength of another kind, something I wouldn't give up just for the ease of skipping over the "hard" times.
I have been clinging to this Truth for dear life these past few weeks, as a new sort of hard thing has jumped into existence, and has thrown me for a complete loop. Unexpected news, completely opposite of everything I wanted at this point in my life, going against every conscious decision I have made in the past year or so:
We are having another baby.
I was shaking almost to the point of being unable to have functional hand control as I took the test, locked behind the bathroom door as my children rampaged in the small apartment. As lines started to form I was pleading with every piece of my soul that it would be negative. Please be negative!! As it quickly changed to a dark, all-too-familiar and completely undeniable positive, I broke down in heavy sobs. I did not want this. My mind raced with all the things that would be made harder in my life. I had been so very, very ready to move on to the next stage of motherhood, to leave behind the babies and toddlers and wakeful nights and breastfeeding and, and, and.... (honestly, the list of things I rattled off in my brain for why I didn't want this would possibly shock you). We really, truly, had just barely decided that we both wanted to be *done*. Neither one of us could imagine a scenario where we would actively want another child. The 4 we had were already exhausting us, and lately, it seems like the exhausting and frustrating parts have very much outweighed the good, fun parts. Now that we are looking forward to a new job in California, we were just starting to feel like maybe soon we would finally have our feet firmly under us, like we might finally enjoy some stability for a while, and be able to build a future instead of just clinging for dear life to the present.
And then the rug got pulled out from under us. This. Changes. Everything. And we feel it to our bones. So I have been reminding myself over and over that "the hard things are the good things". If it was Truth then, it must be Truth now, and although I still mourn a good deal for the loss of the lifestyle I imagined would be starting over the next year or two, as kids got older and we left toddlerhood behind, and moved to a new home with (hopefully) plenty of space for everyone.... I am trying to remind myself that every time something "bad" has happened to our family, we have ended up stronger, happier, with pieces of our lives we wouldn't give up for anything.
And truly, I don't want you to think that I think babies are "bad". I love babies! I feel like I'm pretty darn good at being a mother of babies. But I've lived through 4 of them, and I know realistically what they mean in terms of the energy and devotion and effort and heartache that will be required of me. Especially when piled on top of relocating to a brand new place, where I will not have the family support that I have enjoyed these past few years, nor good friends at the ready to offer me help when I need it. Especially when I'm getting older and feeling the burden more heavily as older children get busier and require more from me as well. I do not kid myself - this will be a hard thing. I hope beyond hope that I will come to enjoy it, and savor another baby when I had convinced myself I would have no more.
But if I'm being honest, I'll share that I'm not there yet. About the only excitement I've had is that maybe, just maybe, this baby might end up being a girl, and my only regret with being done with more children is that Melinda would never have a sister. If this life-changing surprise negates that regret, I think I will feel happier a lot sooner than I would otherwise. (Not that I would be devastated with another boy. They're great! But if we get another boy he might never get a name. Seems like we have exhausted the list of boy names we both like...)
And I know, I know, that this "hard thing" of mine doesn't even come close to the "hard thing" of being victim of a majorly destructive tornado. My hard thing ends with a new family member to love. It doesn't tear my life apart. It just sets me back a few years for all the things I had started to hope and imagine for myself and my family. Still, we all have our own difficult things to go through. I never thought mine would be yet another surprise pregnancy. I have to believe that there will be good things to come, but for now I'm still just wide-eyed with terror that I'm doing this. Again. Yeesh.
I sure hope Heavenly Father knows what he's doing.
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| Positive test, May 28th |
Oh, and I'm sure you want details. It looks like the due date is about February 1st, so either late January or early February. It could go either way. I'm thankful I get to do summertime during early pregnancy rather than late pregnancy. And that I didn't get rid of a few key baby items yet. Even though I already *did* get rid of quite a few things I'll have to replace, starting with maternity clothes. (Yay...) We're hoping that we will move to California before the baby is born, because we just can't fit another baby in our apartment... but at the same time, we'd like to spend a little bit of winter and maybe Christmas here, so the ideal window would be fairly narrow. We'll see as time moves on, I guess. So far I'm feeling fine, symptom-wise, just a little more tired and ever so slightly more sensitive to food likes/dislikes. And maybe more cranky, but that might just be having the kids home for summer break all day, every day, too. ;) And dreams, ugh. Vivid dreams every night. I wake up feeling like I just lived a real, eventful day instead of just sleeping peacefully. (Last night in my dream, it snowed. In June. After several days in the 90's and 100's...) Anyway, I'm just rambling now. Bottom line is, here we go again!! 5 kids - this is going to be insane!!
