An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.
~Bill Vaughan
Each new day is a blank page in the diary of your life. The secret of success is in turning that diary into the best story you possibly can.
~Douglas Pagels, A Wonderful Resolution For The New Year!
“Another fresh new year is here . . .
Another year to live!
To banish worry, doubt, and fear,
To love and laugh and give!
This bright new year is given me
To live each day with zest . . .
To daily grow and try to be
My highest and my best!
I have the opportunity
Once more to right some wrongs,
To pray for peace, to plant a tree,
And sing more joyful songs!”
~William Arthur Ward
“New Year's eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights”
~Hamilton Wright Mabie
“For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice.”
~T.S. Eliot, Little Gidding II
“The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul”
~G. K. Chesterton
A happy New Year! Grant that I
May bring no tear to any eye
When this New Year in time shall end
Let it be said I've played the friend,
Have lived and loved and labored here,
And made of it a happy year.
~Edgar Guest
One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.
~John Burroughs
Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.
~Benjamin Franklin
***********************************
I've never been one to make New Year's resolutions. Over the past few years, I've barely even taken notice of the transition into the New Year. A couple days ago, I would have told you I'm not feeling anything special about the change to 2009, either.
And yet, this morning, I just find myself reading all these quotes, and feeling grateful for the chance for a fresh start, even if it is just a number on a calendar. A lot has happened this year - a lot of good things, and some really frustrating things, and some things I haven't even really talked about publicly. There's a lot I still want to improve about myself. Maybe this year, I'll see a lot of changes for the positive. But I'm still not going to make a formal resolution- that's just asking for a self-imposed guilt trip! ;)
But no matter what the case may be, I truly hope the coming year brings an abundance of happiness and love, despite any trials that may come our way. And not just for me, but for all of you who are my family and friends.
Happy 2009!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Tour of the Ornaments
Before Christmas is totally a thing of the past, it's about time I got around to one of my intended posts. ;)
I wanted to share my Christmas ornaments!
I love a good beautiful tree as much as the next person, one with a well-executed theme... but my favorite is when every ornament is unique and has a history. So here are my favorite ornaments!
This one was from my "Enhanced Learning" teacher in 5th grade. My parents (and siblings?) teased me and called it "Enchanted Village" (which was what a local theme park was called, back then).... The participants in Enhanced Learning were bussed to a central school for part of a day a few times a week. We were tested and if found to be "advanced", we were put in the Enhanced Learning class. I didn't make it the first time I was tested (in 3rd grade?). It certainly was more difficult than the typical elementary classes. I remember being pretty frustrated in that class, reduced to tears many times, not feeling like I quite fit in, or couldn't measure up, and I opted not to continue in 6th grade. But I wound back up in the program in 7th grade, after some friends talked me into it. Of course, it was much different by Middle School - instead of being bussed out to a different school, we just had a different homeroom. It was a much better experience by then, and set the stage for me to take more advance classes and eventually AP classes, earning me college credit while I was in high school. One of the best parts, of course, was having those same friends I made in elementary (and then middle) school stick with me through my core classes all through high school. That 5th grade class, with my Enhanced Learning teacher, was the foundation of it all. So this simple apple has a lot of memories attached to it. Not to mention the fact that it was the last year I went by Rebecca. As soon as I hit middle school in 6th, I had everyone call me Becky. And here I am!
This was an ornament given to Melinda through an online ornament exchange. I joined a forum when I was expecting Melinda, and continued posting there all the way up until about last year, when everyone sort of drifted away. We had a couple gift exchanged over the course of the years, and I love this ornament she got from one of her "due date buddies". She even loves Hello Kitty! This ornament has much more of a stained-glass look than the photo shows. 
This is another ornament from an exchange from that same October '03 due date board, given to me this time, instead of Melinda. It's a fairly large glass sphere, with a glass Rudolph, and a sparkly blue background. I pack it away very carefully each year, it looks so fragile! 
Jesse's mom, Nedra, gave us a set of these cookie cutter ornaments a few years ago. They're lovely, tied up in ribbon, with beads and a jingle bell dangling inside. Definitely a favorite of the kids, too, always doing their best to wiggle them to make them jingle. :) 
This is an ornament I bought in Washington, after one of our family tree-hunting trips. After the tree was cut down, we went inside the owner's garage/gift shop, and enjoyed some hot apple cider. There was a Christmas tree displaying many small ornaments for sale, and this was one that really caught my eye. It's very small, just over an inch tall, but I love it. It always reminds me of cutting our Christmas tree on a cold day, the smell of pine everywhere, and the promise of hot apple cider afterwards. 
This was another ornament we received as a gift. I think it was just last year, and I think (but don't kill me if I'm wrong!) that it was Jesse's sister, Sarah, who gave this one to us. I love it for it's simplicity, crafty look, and perfect reminder of the reason for the season. 
The next two ornaments were made by my mom, in 1987 (I was 7). She cross-stitched them, and even painted the frames. I love having something so old to keep and enjoy year after year. Every time I look at them, I think I should take the time to make something for my kids while they're young like this, too. 
This photo shows two ornaments. The sequin tree was made by Melinda two years ago. It was a craft from Oriental Trading. I didn't think I'd hang it on the tree after the first year she made it, but it turns out I do enjoy having it on the tree: Melinda's proud of it, and I like how it sparkles. And you know, the crooked sticks have a certain whimsical appeal to them. :) 
This ornment is very simple and unassuming, and was given to me by one of my Seminary teachers when I was a teenager. It also serves as another reminder to focus on the religious meaning of the Christmas season. 
Here's another two-ornament photo. On the left is a felt star, which I also made for my Primary class kids last year. It went along with a lesson we had that week, close to Christmas, and I also liked the thought of seeing a star at Christmas time and associating it with faith. 
Here's another ornament that Jesse's mom made for us. She's really good at making wooden Santas, and has a whole big collection of them that she painted in different styles. I think this ornament version is really fun, with his poofy chenille details! I think this one is one of Jacob's favorites, too. 
I have a thing for Cardinals this year. If I would have managed to send out Christmas cards, you can bet they would have featured a cardinal in the snow. I spied this tiny little guy while we were shopping at Target, and he became the only new addition to our ornament collection this year. 
I got this lovely ornament from a Visiting Teacher a few years ago who made a big difference to me, during a year when I was really suffering emotionally. She said it reminded her of a stained glass window, the type you'd find in a really old cathedral, and I have to agree.
Another two-ornament picture. On the left is a picture ornament I bought when Melinda was just over 1 year old. I can't believe that's my same baby girl in that photo! She's grown so much. I've really slacked off, and Jacob and Alex don't have their own ornaments. :(
On the right is another ornament Sarah made for us. I just *adore* this pengiun! He's nice and big, has that hand-crafted look, and definitely an original on our tree. Did I mention I love original ornaments? :)
And this next one is so not an ornement.... but I couldn't resist showing Jacob's handiwork... maybe you'll laugh as much as I did!
Did you know Mary had a day job as a construction worker? ;)
I wanted to share my Christmas ornaments!
I love a good beautiful tree as much as the next person, one with a well-executed theme... but my favorite is when every ornament is unique and has a history. So here are my favorite ornaments!
This one was from my "Enhanced Learning" teacher in 5th grade. My parents (and siblings?) teased me and called it "Enchanted Village" (which was what a local theme park was called, back then).... The participants in Enhanced Learning were bussed to a central school for part of a day a few times a week. We were tested and if found to be "advanced", we were put in the Enhanced Learning class. I didn't make it the first time I was tested (in 3rd grade?). It certainly was more difficult than the typical elementary classes. I remember being pretty frustrated in that class, reduced to tears many times, not feeling like I quite fit in, or couldn't measure up, and I opted not to continue in 6th grade. But I wound back up in the program in 7th grade, after some friends talked me into it. Of course, it was much different by Middle School - instead of being bussed out to a different school, we just had a different homeroom. It was a much better experience by then, and set the stage for me to take more advance classes and eventually AP classes, earning me college credit while I was in high school. One of the best parts, of course, was having those same friends I made in elementary (and then middle) school stick with me through my core classes all through high school. That 5th grade class, with my Enhanced Learning teacher, was the foundation of it all. So this simple apple has a lot of memories attached to it. Not to mention the fact that it was the last year I went by Rebecca. As soon as I hit middle school in 6th, I had everyone call me Becky. And here I am!
This was an ornament given to Melinda through an online ornament exchange. I joined a forum when I was expecting Melinda, and continued posting there all the way up until about last year, when everyone sort of drifted away. We had a couple gift exchanged over the course of the years, and I love this ornament she got from one of her "due date buddies". She even loves Hello Kitty! This ornament has much more of a stained-glass look than the photo shows.
This is another ornament from an exchange from that same October '03 due date board, given to me this time, instead of Melinda. It's a fairly large glass sphere, with a glass Rudolph, and a sparkly blue background. I pack it away very carefully each year, it looks so fragile!
Jesse's mom, Nedra, gave us a set of these cookie cutter ornaments a few years ago. They're lovely, tied up in ribbon, with beads and a jingle bell dangling inside. Definitely a favorite of the kids, too, always doing their best to wiggle them to make them jingle. :)
This is an ornament I bought in Washington, after one of our family tree-hunting trips. After the tree was cut down, we went inside the owner's garage/gift shop, and enjoyed some hot apple cider. There was a Christmas tree displaying many small ornaments for sale, and this was one that really caught my eye. It's very small, just over an inch tall, but I love it. It always reminds me of cutting our Christmas tree on a cold day, the smell of pine everywhere, and the promise of hot apple cider afterwards.
This was another ornament we received as a gift. I think it was just last year, and I think (but don't kill me if I'm wrong!) that it was Jesse's sister, Sarah, who gave this one to us. I love it for it's simplicity, crafty look, and perfect reminder of the reason for the season.
The next two ornaments were made by my mom, in 1987 (I was 7). She cross-stitched them, and even painted the frames. I love having something so old to keep and enjoy year after year. Every time I look at them, I think I should take the time to make something for my kids while they're young like this, too.
This photo shows two ornaments. The sequin tree was made by Melinda two years ago. It was a craft from Oriental Trading. I didn't think I'd hang it on the tree after the first year she made it, but it turns out I do enjoy having it on the tree: Melinda's proud of it, and I like how it sparkles. And you know, the crooked sticks have a certain whimsical appeal to them. :)
The carousel horse ornament was one that I made with my mom at a Mother-Daughter Relief Society activity. Well, the shape itself was already made, but I painted it! The poor horse's front legs broke off many years ago, but nothing a little glue can't fix. You can see the seam if you look closely. I was deifnitely in a loves-horses-to-death phase when I painted this ornment, too, which made me love it even more.
This ornment is very simple and unassuming, and was given to me by one of my Seminary teachers when I was a teenager. It also serves as another reminder to focus on the religious meaning of the Christmas season.
Here's another two-ornament photo. On the left is a felt star, which I also made for my Primary class kids last year. It went along with a lesson we had that week, close to Christmas, and I also liked the thought of seeing a star at Christmas time and associating it with faith.
The ornament on the right is yet another one from an October '03 due date forum ornament exchange. 2005, even Jacob was on there. There sure were a lot of thoughtful women I made friends with out there on the internet. :)
Here's another ornament that Jesse's mom made for us. She's really good at making wooden Santas, and has a whole big collection of them that she painted in different styles. I think this ornament version is really fun, with his poofy chenille details! I think this one is one of Jacob's favorites, too.
I have a thing for Cardinals this year. If I would have managed to send out Christmas cards, you can bet they would have featured a cardinal in the snow. I spied this tiny little guy while we were shopping at Target, and he became the only new addition to our ornament collection this year.
I got this lovely ornament from a Visiting Teacher a few years ago who made a big difference to me, during a year when I was really suffering emotionally. She said it reminded her of a stained glass window, the type you'd find in a really old cathedral, and I have to agree.
Another two-ornament picture. On the left is a picture ornament I bought when Melinda was just over 1 year old. I can't believe that's my same baby girl in that photo! She's grown so much. I've really slacked off, and Jacob and Alex don't have their own ornaments. :(
On the right is another ornament Sarah made for us. I just *adore* this pengiun! He's nice and big, has that hand-crafted look, and definitely an original on our tree. Did I mention I love original ornaments? :)
And this next one is so not an ornement.... but I couldn't resist showing Jacob's handiwork... maybe you'll laugh as much as I did!
Did you know Mary had a day job as a construction worker? ;)
Monday, December 29, 2008
Terrifying
Friday night, it took me a long time to fall asleep. It was one of those nights where I had inadvertently taken a nap on the couch in the late evening, and just wasn't sleepy when bedtime rolled around. I finally fell asleep somewhere around 2am.
And I woke up, eyes bulging out of my head with sheer terror, shortly after 7am, before it was even light outside.
I had a bad dream.
Now, I know dreams really don't have a bearing on reality... maybe they don't even belong on my blog, because truly... what difference does it actually make in my life? But it was one of those dreams where the images are just so vivid, that it really seemed real. Terrifyingly, horribly real. I feel like I have to write it out. Maybe it will finally stop haunting me if I do.
My children and I were out together. Jesse was not with us. It seems like we were in a place similar to the Science Center down in Baltimore... there was a very tall entry way, with the front of the building largely covered in glass, so it felt very open. There were even exhibit-like structures. And it was very, very crowded. I had Alex on one hip, and was struggling to switch back and forth between holding Jacob's and Melinda's hands, chasing them, keeping them in eyesight while the crowd pressed and shifted all around us. They're so little, and the crowd had so many adults... I lost sight of them often, and was already starting to feel frustrated/exhausted/panicky with the effort it took to keep track of them. It seemed like we were there to play with friends, like a playgroup or something, but the effort drained me, and we left.
We exited the building, moving slowly past the crowd, down the narrow concrete stairs. There weren't many stairs... maybe 5 or 6. There was an old, simple bar support on either side of the stairway, though the stairway was so crowded that we didn't get a chance to use it. We just slowly made our way down, weaving between the people going up, on their way to enter the building. I still had Alex on my hip. Carrying my diaper bag, I didn't have a free hand for Melinda and Jacob, who were being stubborn enough not to hold onto me, anyway. They started falling behind me, and by the time I was about 5 paces away from the bottom of the stairs, they were still on the bottom step. I turned my head back in their direction frequently, to check their progress and make sure they continued to follow me.
But it was so crowded! I lost sight of them. Finally, I could see them again. They had made it off the stairs, but were starting to angle in the wrong direction, heading about 45 degrees away from my path. I was now walking on a grassy field, which butted up against a road leading to a parking lot. The kids were now just on the very edge of the road, not on the grass... just a hop down from the curb. It wasn't a busy road, but there were cars occasionally driving past, very slowly, as people were crossing almost constantly in any given spot along the road.
I called loudly to Melinda and Jacob, beckoning them to come to me quickly so they could stay safe. They both heard me, and started making their way towards me. Melinda didn't waste any time, and was soon following safely on my heels. But Jacob did something he often does in real life - he sort of walked at an angle while he was heading towards me, not really paying attention to where he was going. I could tell he was sort of humming to himself, and he was slowly drifting further away, even as he was trying to catch up. I called him a couple more times, growing more and more frustrated, and he kept on his wayward path. The crowd was still all around us, though it was beginning to thin here and there. I struggled with balancing Alex on my hip, keeping Melinda behind me, and my bag out of the way as we passed shoulder-to-shoulder by so many people. I was bumped and jostled every few seconds, and having a hard time. Jacob was getting further and further away.
Soon enough, he had managed to weave his way across the road, on the opposite side that I was on. He looked up, trying to find me, eyes searching in a very real, lost way. Every mannerism he displayed in my dream was completely true to life. No element thus far seemed the least bit out of place or odd, as things often are in dreams. A well-meaning but thoughtless woman next to Jacob saw me calling to him, and suddenly encouraged him to cross the road to get to me. My heart nearly stopped as he quickly hopped down from the curb and shuffled into the street, now having spotted me and been encouraged to get to me. He had a subtle little grin on his face, his chin slightly down, eyes peering out from under his eyelashes, and even his tongue sticking out every-so-slightly from the corner of his lips. He must have felt a little silly and happy to have spotted me. His shuffling through the street took him directly in front of the path of an oncoming car. But this wasn't the terrifying part yet - the car came to a stop easily, since it had already been going so slow and watching out for other pedestrians. Still, I glared sternly at the woman across the street, for her careless idea of sending my young child to cross the road on his own.
And as I looked back, the terrifying thing happened. Seemingly out of nowhere, there was a river of water on the road, heading towards a drain. Jacob slipped in it, and there was enough swiftly-moving water that it carried him, laying down, to the drain. My heart really did feel like it was stopping, then. But when he reached the drain, he stopped. My eyes assessed the situation instantly: The drainage grate was not built safely. It was merely about 5 or 6 thick, parallel bars - each having about 8 or 9 inches of space in between them.
Jacob would be able to slip through.
And nobody was near enough to help him.
I quickly dropped Alex to the ground, sitting him on his bottom. In the same motion, I was running towards Jacob, slipping my bag from over my shoulder and dropping it carelessly on the ground as I moved as quickly as I could. Water continued to rush against Jacob, and it was sliding him back and forth, almost like he was on a small water slide. As I ran, his hips slipped through the grate. His eyes stared straight up into the sky. He was scared, but staying as still as possible. The look in his eyes looked entirely too familiar to me, and it was frightening. I still ran, calling his name loudly.... "JACOB!!!" His torso slipped through. Suddenly only his arms, shoulders and head were still above the grate, everything else was dangling below. His arms were bent at 90 degree angles, so that if he had been standing, it would have looked like he was exclaiming "touchdown!". The position of his hands was good - they were palm up, and I would be able to grab them quickly as soon as I got there.
But I was a fraction of a second too late. The rest of him slipped through, just as I reached the grate. I lunged and grabbed for him, absolutely screaming in terror, my voice as alien to me as I have ever heard it: "JAAAAAAAAKE!!!!" My fingers brushed his fingers just as they went out of reach. I couldn't grab him. I watched his eyes as he fell silently into the water below. They were wide and still, locked onto mine.
It was like a rushing river down there in that strange underground tunnel, a good 8 feet underground, but oddly lit as if by daylight. It wasn't dark. I could see every little whitecap of the water as it rushed by. I could see Jacob splash into it as if it weren't so far underground at all. My Jacob, who doesn't know how to swim. Who is terrified of water getting into his eyes. He sank into the water, was carried away, still laying down as if on a bed, and finally bobbed up a bit to the surface several feet away. But not his face. It remained under water. He was carried further away. His face never resurfaced. I knew he would be dead shortly, and there was nothing I could do about it. The grate was impossible for me to pass through, and I could not remove it. All I could do was watch as his small body was carried away, knowing I would never see him again. I could already feel the giant knot in my heart.
And I woke up with a jolt.
I could not forget my scream, I could not forget those eyes. I was drowned in guilt, myself, knowing it was my own fault he got separated from me in the first place. I got up to use the bathroom, got a drink, and tried to lay down to go back to sleep. But every time I shut my eyes, I could see everything with perfect clarity again, replaying in an unforgiving loop. It was too real. Much, much too real. There would be no returning to sleep any time soon, so I picked up a book and started reading.
Before long, people around me started waking up, and soon got out of bed. What a comfort it was that Jacob chose that morning to be extra snuggly. He stayed in bed with me long after everyone else was out eating breakfast and enjoying their morning. He sank deep into the covers, pressed up against me, saying sweet little things like "I like you, mommy", and giving me his tight, thin-lipped kisses right on my mouth. It was such a comfort to hold him, it helped the images fade from my mind. And when Alex needed to nurse a while later, it was thankfully easy to fall asleep again, myself, and make up for the fact that I had only had about 5 hours of sleep by the time the nightmare woke me up.
Still, the rest of the day, I was haunted by those images. It felt so real. So terrifying. I'm so glad it wasn't real. But why on earth did I have to have a dream where my son died?!??
************************
It reminded me of another dream I had, when Jacob was close to Alex's age, now. And it occurred to me: I've only had two dreams of one of my children dying. And BOTH of them have been of Jacob. This is what I wrote back then, about that dream:
...I was sitting in some grassy area with stone benches. It was surrounded by a chain-link fence in poor condition. For some unknown reason, I had been given some drug to put me in a barely-there kind of state, like laughing gas would do. Not sure if this has any relevancy in the dream, but it wasn't something out of place within the dream, it felt normal and accepted. So I'm sitting there, barely in tune with what's going on around me, along with my husband and some other random people.
All of the sudden I realize that there is an impending explosion, to be of devestating force and destruction. I get up, now fully aware of everything, and sprint like the wind to take cover behind a hill. And then I start screaming at the top of my lungs, louder than I've ever heard a sound come from myself, to the people left behind, including my husband: "RUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!" "RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!" The urgency in my dream was unbelievably real, as well as the terror I felt.
They all get up and run towards me as quick as they can. We quickly take cover in some random, dark walk-in closet, and huddle down. Someone says something to the effect of "Well, we have about 10 minutes until we're safe."
And then Jesse looks at me, as he's holding me, and says: "Did you get the baby?"
I then immediately wake up, but the feeling of course did not go away, and I'm laying there, half-asleep, feeling frantic, and I kind of continue the dream while I'm awake: I feel desperate to get out but Jesse holds me back, saying there's nothing I can do, it's too dangerous. And I can't do anything but bawl my head off and pray, "God, PLEASE don't let him hurt when he dies!" and I bawl even more.
At that point I am feeling completely overwhelmed (in real life) and have to get up and walk around. Of course Jacob is right there laying next to me, and that helps me feel better. But I had a hard time going back to sleep after that, and now I just remembered it after going all day without thinking about it.
And I told Jesse exactly how it went, because when he woke up and saw me up, I told him I had a bad dream, and anyway, when I told him about it I just cried so hard when I got to the last part. Good ol' Jesse came over and gave me a hug.
Of course an eerie part to me is that my son wasn't even IN my dream until that very last bit where Jesse suddenly asks me if I got him. Which made me feel all the more terrified, shocked, and upset - how could I not KNOW to get my baby boy out of danger?
***********************
So what's the deal? Two terrifying, realistic, urgent dreams.... both killing my little Jacob.... two and a half years apart. I scream, I want to save him, but I'm powerless to do so. The emotion crushes me.
I enjoy dream symbolism. But I have a truly difficult time seeing past the very real emotions locked within these sorts of dreams and trying to analyze them, to figure out what my subconscious might possibly be thinking when it kills my child in a dream.
The only good part is how I'm so relieved to hold Jacob afterwards, and run my fingers through his hair, smother him in kisses, and feel how real he is in my arms. If only it could make the negative emotions slip away... Thankfully, a few days later, and the reality of the dream has dulled quite a bit. But it's still incredibly vivid, the details so rich and true to life. Typing my dream still made me cry.
And I woke up, eyes bulging out of my head with sheer terror, shortly after 7am, before it was even light outside.
I had a bad dream.
Now, I know dreams really don't have a bearing on reality... maybe they don't even belong on my blog, because truly... what difference does it actually make in my life? But it was one of those dreams where the images are just so vivid, that it really seemed real. Terrifyingly, horribly real. I feel like I have to write it out. Maybe it will finally stop haunting me if I do.
My children and I were out together. Jesse was not with us. It seems like we were in a place similar to the Science Center down in Baltimore... there was a very tall entry way, with the front of the building largely covered in glass, so it felt very open. There were even exhibit-like structures. And it was very, very crowded. I had Alex on one hip, and was struggling to switch back and forth between holding Jacob's and Melinda's hands, chasing them, keeping them in eyesight while the crowd pressed and shifted all around us. They're so little, and the crowd had so many adults... I lost sight of them often, and was already starting to feel frustrated/exhausted/panicky with the effort it took to keep track of them. It seemed like we were there to play with friends, like a playgroup or something, but the effort drained me, and we left.
We exited the building, moving slowly past the crowd, down the narrow concrete stairs. There weren't many stairs... maybe 5 or 6. There was an old, simple bar support on either side of the stairway, though the stairway was so crowded that we didn't get a chance to use it. We just slowly made our way down, weaving between the people going up, on their way to enter the building. I still had Alex on my hip. Carrying my diaper bag, I didn't have a free hand for Melinda and Jacob, who were being stubborn enough not to hold onto me, anyway. They started falling behind me, and by the time I was about 5 paces away from the bottom of the stairs, they were still on the bottom step. I turned my head back in their direction frequently, to check their progress and make sure they continued to follow me.
But it was so crowded! I lost sight of them. Finally, I could see them again. They had made it off the stairs, but were starting to angle in the wrong direction, heading about 45 degrees away from my path. I was now walking on a grassy field, which butted up against a road leading to a parking lot. The kids were now just on the very edge of the road, not on the grass... just a hop down from the curb. It wasn't a busy road, but there were cars occasionally driving past, very slowly, as people were crossing almost constantly in any given spot along the road.
I called loudly to Melinda and Jacob, beckoning them to come to me quickly so they could stay safe. They both heard me, and started making their way towards me. Melinda didn't waste any time, and was soon following safely on my heels. But Jacob did something he often does in real life - he sort of walked at an angle while he was heading towards me, not really paying attention to where he was going. I could tell he was sort of humming to himself, and he was slowly drifting further away, even as he was trying to catch up. I called him a couple more times, growing more and more frustrated, and he kept on his wayward path. The crowd was still all around us, though it was beginning to thin here and there. I struggled with balancing Alex on my hip, keeping Melinda behind me, and my bag out of the way as we passed shoulder-to-shoulder by so many people. I was bumped and jostled every few seconds, and having a hard time. Jacob was getting further and further away.
Soon enough, he had managed to weave his way across the road, on the opposite side that I was on. He looked up, trying to find me, eyes searching in a very real, lost way. Every mannerism he displayed in my dream was completely true to life. No element thus far seemed the least bit out of place or odd, as things often are in dreams. A well-meaning but thoughtless woman next to Jacob saw me calling to him, and suddenly encouraged him to cross the road to get to me. My heart nearly stopped as he quickly hopped down from the curb and shuffled into the street, now having spotted me and been encouraged to get to me. He had a subtle little grin on his face, his chin slightly down, eyes peering out from under his eyelashes, and even his tongue sticking out every-so-slightly from the corner of his lips. He must have felt a little silly and happy to have spotted me. His shuffling through the street took him directly in front of the path of an oncoming car. But this wasn't the terrifying part yet - the car came to a stop easily, since it had already been going so slow and watching out for other pedestrians. Still, I glared sternly at the woman across the street, for her careless idea of sending my young child to cross the road on his own.
And as I looked back, the terrifying thing happened. Seemingly out of nowhere, there was a river of water on the road, heading towards a drain. Jacob slipped in it, and there was enough swiftly-moving water that it carried him, laying down, to the drain. My heart really did feel like it was stopping, then. But when he reached the drain, he stopped. My eyes assessed the situation instantly: The drainage grate was not built safely. It was merely about 5 or 6 thick, parallel bars - each having about 8 or 9 inches of space in between them.
Jacob would be able to slip through.
And nobody was near enough to help him.
I quickly dropped Alex to the ground, sitting him on his bottom. In the same motion, I was running towards Jacob, slipping my bag from over my shoulder and dropping it carelessly on the ground as I moved as quickly as I could. Water continued to rush against Jacob, and it was sliding him back and forth, almost like he was on a small water slide. As I ran, his hips slipped through the grate. His eyes stared straight up into the sky. He was scared, but staying as still as possible. The look in his eyes looked entirely too familiar to me, and it was frightening. I still ran, calling his name loudly.... "JACOB!!!" His torso slipped through. Suddenly only his arms, shoulders and head were still above the grate, everything else was dangling below. His arms were bent at 90 degree angles, so that if he had been standing, it would have looked like he was exclaiming "touchdown!". The position of his hands was good - they were palm up, and I would be able to grab them quickly as soon as I got there.
But I was a fraction of a second too late. The rest of him slipped through, just as I reached the grate. I lunged and grabbed for him, absolutely screaming in terror, my voice as alien to me as I have ever heard it: "JAAAAAAAAKE!!!!" My fingers brushed his fingers just as they went out of reach. I couldn't grab him. I watched his eyes as he fell silently into the water below. They were wide and still, locked onto mine.
It was like a rushing river down there in that strange underground tunnel, a good 8 feet underground, but oddly lit as if by daylight. It wasn't dark. I could see every little whitecap of the water as it rushed by. I could see Jacob splash into it as if it weren't so far underground at all. My Jacob, who doesn't know how to swim. Who is terrified of water getting into his eyes. He sank into the water, was carried away, still laying down as if on a bed, and finally bobbed up a bit to the surface several feet away. But not his face. It remained under water. He was carried further away. His face never resurfaced. I knew he would be dead shortly, and there was nothing I could do about it. The grate was impossible for me to pass through, and I could not remove it. All I could do was watch as his small body was carried away, knowing I would never see him again. I could already feel the giant knot in my heart.
And I woke up with a jolt.
I could not forget my scream, I could not forget those eyes. I was drowned in guilt, myself, knowing it was my own fault he got separated from me in the first place. I got up to use the bathroom, got a drink, and tried to lay down to go back to sleep. But every time I shut my eyes, I could see everything with perfect clarity again, replaying in an unforgiving loop. It was too real. Much, much too real. There would be no returning to sleep any time soon, so I picked up a book and started reading.
Before long, people around me started waking up, and soon got out of bed. What a comfort it was that Jacob chose that morning to be extra snuggly. He stayed in bed with me long after everyone else was out eating breakfast and enjoying their morning. He sank deep into the covers, pressed up against me, saying sweet little things like "I like you, mommy", and giving me his tight, thin-lipped kisses right on my mouth. It was such a comfort to hold him, it helped the images fade from my mind. And when Alex needed to nurse a while later, it was thankfully easy to fall asleep again, myself, and make up for the fact that I had only had about 5 hours of sleep by the time the nightmare woke me up.
Still, the rest of the day, I was haunted by those images. It felt so real. So terrifying. I'm so glad it wasn't real. But why on earth did I have to have a dream where my son died?!??
************************
It reminded me of another dream I had, when Jacob was close to Alex's age, now. And it occurred to me: I've only had two dreams of one of my children dying. And BOTH of them have been of Jacob. This is what I wrote back then, about that dream:
...I was sitting in some grassy area with stone benches. It was surrounded by a chain-link fence in poor condition. For some unknown reason, I had been given some drug to put me in a barely-there kind of state, like laughing gas would do. Not sure if this has any relevancy in the dream, but it wasn't something out of place within the dream, it felt normal and accepted. So I'm sitting there, barely in tune with what's going on around me, along with my husband and some other random people.
All of the sudden I realize that there is an impending explosion, to be of devestating force and destruction. I get up, now fully aware of everything, and sprint like the wind to take cover behind a hill. And then I start screaming at the top of my lungs, louder than I've ever heard a sound come from myself, to the people left behind, including my husband: "RUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!" "RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!" The urgency in my dream was unbelievably real, as well as the terror I felt.
They all get up and run towards me as quick as they can. We quickly take cover in some random, dark walk-in closet, and huddle down. Someone says something to the effect of "Well, we have about 10 minutes until we're safe."
And then Jesse looks at me, as he's holding me, and says: "Did you get the baby?"
I then immediately wake up, but the feeling of course did not go away, and I'm laying there, half-asleep, feeling frantic, and I kind of continue the dream while I'm awake: I feel desperate to get out but Jesse holds me back, saying there's nothing I can do, it's too dangerous. And I can't do anything but bawl my head off and pray, "God, PLEASE don't let him hurt when he dies!" and I bawl even more.
At that point I am feeling completely overwhelmed (in real life) and have to get up and walk around. Of course Jacob is right there laying next to me, and that helps me feel better. But I had a hard time going back to sleep after that, and now I just remembered it after going all day without thinking about it.
And I told Jesse exactly how it went, because when he woke up and saw me up, I told him I had a bad dream, and anyway, when I told him about it I just cried so hard when I got to the last part. Good ol' Jesse came over and gave me a hug.
Of course an eerie part to me is that my son wasn't even IN my dream until that very last bit where Jesse suddenly asks me if I got him. Which made me feel all the more terrified, shocked, and upset - how could I not KNOW to get my baby boy out of danger?
***********************
So what's the deal? Two terrifying, realistic, urgent dreams.... both killing my little Jacob.... two and a half years apart. I scream, I want to save him, but I'm powerless to do so. The emotion crushes me.
I enjoy dream symbolism. But I have a truly difficult time seeing past the very real emotions locked within these sorts of dreams and trying to analyze them, to figure out what my subconscious might possibly be thinking when it kills my child in a dream.
The only good part is how I'm so relieved to hold Jacob afterwards, and run my fingers through his hair, smother him in kisses, and feel how real he is in my arms. If only it could make the negative emotions slip away... Thankfully, a few days later, and the reality of the dream has dulled quite a bit. But it's still incredibly vivid, the details so rich and true to life. Typing my dream still made me cry.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Amazing Alex
Alex, in this movie, shows off his latest skill, five times in less than a minute. Walking is definitely his main mode of transportation now, rarely crawling for anything but a couple paces or a game of "Melinda's chasing me". This new skill was learned just a couple days before Christmas, and the movie was taken Christmas Eve: He can stand up in the middle of the room, now, without any props to help him. I'm certain I missed his first few successful attempts, since he did it so well the first time I saw him, and Melinda's reaction to him standing (out of my line of sight) a few times seem overly excited for normal activity, in retrospect. This video is not a good example of how well he can walk, because the kids are playing with a blanket and Alex has something to trip him up every couple seconds. But he's getting faster, steadier, can turn any direction he wants to go, can pick up toys and stand back up (including even the heavy/large variety that you would expect to unbalance him too much) ... and well, he's just unstoppable. He's a true-blue walker, and still less than 9 months old.
Amazing Alexander.
Amazing Alexander.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas!
We had a pretty smooth morning. Melinda woke up about half an hour before everyone else, but stayed fairly patient in our bedroom while we all slowly woke up. Jacob was difficult - Melinda tried a lot of tactics to get him up, but we let him take his time (and ours!). Alex can be a very heavy sleeper when he wants to be, and only finally woke up when Melinda started bouncing all around him and clacking loud toys in his ears. The whole process took long enough that I was even able to sneak a quick shower in.
We went out to open presents at about 8am. I just love watching kids see all the presents. It was especially impressive this year, since we didn't have any presents out until after the kids were in bed last night. We guessed, rightly so, that Alex would attack any presents if we put them out. He woke up while we were still wrapping last night, and couldn't go back to sleep. So he had plenty of time to terrorize the presents while the older two were oblivious to the situation. Jesse and I watched the movie Serenity before we went to bed. I had a really hard time falling asleep last night - I'm getting a cold, so my nose is all stuffy, and my throat was sore (today I have a slight cough...yay).
Alex gave the best attempt an 8-month old can give at opening gifts, and tore off some loose pieces of paper when I showed him how. But mostly, he batted at it, as if he could hit the gifts out!
Alex got:
Pajamas
a small toy that blinks and plays a very quiet (thank goodness) tune when shaken
a stuffed snake from Grandma Newson
a Playskool air-powered ball popper (which, oddly enough, Melinda and Jacob love even more than he does)
Books from Grandma & Grandpa Newson
Jacob got:
new Crocs (which he will grow into before long)
Wooden dollhouse family
Book of animals (made from pictures from National Geographic) from G&G Newson
Webkinz Frog from Aunt Rachel
Aang figurine from Avatar: The Last Airbender
Bag of Lego Duplos
Melinda:
Aquadoodle Mat
Magnetic color mazeHanna Andersson dress/leggings set
Doll w/ basket, pillow, blanket, bottle, clothes, etc. from G&G Newson
Webkinz Monkey from Aunt Rachel
New Crocs
Melinda and Jacob both got:
wooden shapes and boxes to paint
several animal figurines
Tadoodles paintbrushes (Melinda has been asking for them for at least the past 6 months), pad of paper
Smencils (10 each) ("gourmet" scented colored pencils)
Wooden people (painted by me)
Hot Wheels car
Scissors
Glue sticks
Sheet of stickers
Jesse:
Pajama pants
Warhammer Online video game (won from a blog giveaway)
Socks
Book sequel to Ender's Shadow by Orson Scott Card (I can't remember the name of it at the moment)
X-Men movie
Crocs
Crocs hat
Crocs shirts
Family:
Christmas stories booklet from Ben & Brea
Orange & Lemon bars from Layton, UT Newsons
Pop-up play tent/bus from Markos family (THANK YOU Sarah, they All love this one to death!!)
Emergency crank flashlight/radio/phone charger. Awesome.
Becky:
2 handmade necklaces from Colorado Newsons
Book: The Story of Edgar Sawtelle (Oprah Book Club)
Clip-on Book light!!! YAY!!Knife/scissor sharpener
Monkey Ball game for the WiiMary Jane styled Crocs from the Colorado Newsons
Jesse reminded me at about midnight last night... that we should have had Melinda and Jacob each wrap a gift for someone, so they could help out. That sure would have been nice... too bad I was in a stash-things-away-for later mode and never thought of it until too late. However, Melinda did take her favorite snuggly blanket and wrap a bunch of random toys in it for Jacob to open. I pulled it out from under the tree last night while I was cleaning up, and she had a melt-down. I didn't know what it was, then, but obviously it was very important to her to be able to give a gift to her family. When she decides something, she really decides it with her whole heart. Giving gifts included. Next year I'll make a point of involving both of them more in the gift-giving process.
Christmas Eve happenings, Christmas Ornaments, Alex updates, etc. to come later. Maybe today, maybe in the next several days. :)
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Monday, December 22, 2008
3 Days Left
I feel so bad. I really was going to do a blog post almost every day last week, and then I sort of just ended on Wednesday. And now it's been the better part of a week before I've posted again. 'Tis the Season to be unpredicatble, maybe?
I'm feeling the crunch now, the countdown to Christmas. I have a few things I still need to get done, and only a few days left to do them. I'm painting some wooden people to look like our family, that the kids can play with in their little car. They've lost several of the people that originally came with it, so I wanted to replace them and do something fun with it. But painting can be so time consuming! At least Jesse was willing to help me out with the basics. They're mostly done now - just need some smiles and some varnish, but that's still something I need to check off of the to-do list, you know?
Other things that need doing:
Randomness: I made Jesse take some of the fudge to work today to share. I sent three whole rows of it with him in a bowl, and it's still a lot. We took two more rows with us to a friend's house this morning. We still have more than half the pan left, and we need to give most of it away so I don't convince myself to eat it all.... which is likely to happen when it's both Christmastime and my hormones just happen to be at their chocolate-craving levels this week, anyway. ;)
Also... Don't be surprised if I don't get another post up until after Christmas. I just don't know if I'll have enough spare time for it. Which is depressing, when I've got so many things I've wanted to share, and they're not going to feel share-worthy if they're a week or more late, you know? Hopefully once the holidays are over, I'll be posting regularly again.
P.S. - Santa, if you're out there, I really kinda want some fingerless gloves that I can wear while I'm typing. My fingers feel like ice.
I'm feeling the crunch now, the countdown to Christmas. I have a few things I still need to get done, and only a few days left to do them. I'm painting some wooden people to look like our family, that the kids can play with in their little car. They've lost several of the people that originally came with it, so I wanted to replace them and do something fun with it. But painting can be so time consuming! At least Jesse was willing to help me out with the basics. They're mostly done now - just need some smiles and some varnish, but that's still something I need to check off of the to-do list, you know?
Other things that need doing:
- A special project for Jesse's Christmas that I'm not posting just in case he actually reads this blog without ever having mentioned it to me. But I need to do that during the day tomorrow, while he's not home. It's the last day I'll have left and available with uninterrupted time to work on it.
- Dying some silk handkerchiefs for Alex... with the idea of putting them in a Kleenex-like box that he can pull them all out of. We'll see if this one actually gets done... I'll have to devote an entire night to it, I think. Which means, if I'm going to do it, it has to be Tuesday night.
- Wrapping all the gifts, of course. That'll be Christmas Eve.
- We're heading down to the Washington, D.C. temple tonight to see the gorgeous Christmas lights, watch some Christmas films, and see a musical performance. If, that is, we don't convince ourselves to avoid the night of frigid temperatures. It's in the low 20's right now, with a gusty wind, so it feels about ZERO degrees, if you can believe that. We woke up with thick layers of ice on the insides of our apartment windows. Yikes!! But the plan is to head down there and enjoy all the nice stuff before Christmas arrives... and that will take us till probably 10:00pm before we're home, so nothing's getting done tonight. Except the last of the people painting, if I'm lucky.
- I made some yummy fudge yesterday, but I still want to make some Pulla (a braided sweet bread from Finland), now that my mom helped me hunt down the recipe. It would be perfect to have some on Christmas Eve, I think!
- Uhhh... clean the house for Christmas. My least favorite thing on this list.
- I have to go grocery shopping. Again. It always sneaks up so fast... but I have to do get it done today. In the freezing cold. Ungh.
- Make last-minute runs for stocking stuffers without the kids in tow. Basic stuff like kid-sized scissors, coloring books, and treats... but I can't let them be there with me. Yet another evening project.
Randomness: I made Jesse take some of the fudge to work today to share. I sent three whole rows of it with him in a bowl, and it's still a lot. We took two more rows with us to a friend's house this morning. We still have more than half the pan left, and we need to give most of it away so I don't convince myself to eat it all.... which is likely to happen when it's both Christmastime and my hormones just happen to be at their chocolate-craving levels this week, anyway. ;)
Also... Don't be surprised if I don't get another post up until after Christmas. I just don't know if I'll have enough spare time for it. Which is depressing, when I've got so many things I've wanted to share, and they're not going to feel share-worthy if they're a week or more late, you know? Hopefully once the holidays are over, I'll be posting regularly again.
P.S. - Santa, if you're out there, I really kinda want some fingerless gloves that I can wear while I'm typing. My fingers feel like ice.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Melinda the Teacher
Melinda has a natural desire to teach things to people younger than herself, especially to her brothers. You already saw a short video of how she was trying to teach Alex how to use the shape sorter. You've seen her helping him stand up, and she often encourages him to walk.
Here's an instance of Melinda randomly teaching Jacob something. We were all getting ready to go out yesterday. I was putting on Alex's shoes and jacket. Melinda got her coat on, and Jacob was struggling with his. He still hasn't quite figured it out.
I look over, after getting Alex taken care of, and Melinda is showing Jacob how he can do it himself. She came up with this method all on her own - I've never seen her use it before this, either.
"Now the other arm, too!"
"There you go! Now your coat is on!" .... "Mommy, were you taking pictures?!"
Here's an instance of Melinda randomly teaching Jacob something. We were all getting ready to go out yesterday. I was putting on Alex's shoes and jacket. Melinda got her coat on, and Jacob was struggling with his. He still hasn't quite figured it out.
I look over, after getting Alex taken care of, and Melinda is showing Jacob how he can do it himself. She came up with this method all on her own - I've never seen her use it before this, either.
"Here, Jacob, you put your coat down on the ground like this, and lay down on top of it."
"Now you try!" ... "No, no, no. You have to put your arms in."
"Now the other arm, too!"
"There you go! Now your coat is on!" .... "Mommy, were you taking pictures?!"
I just love it when they work together. They can do such amazing things. And they both end up happy!
Feeling Crafty
I feel proud of myself today.
I just created an army of angels, all out of my own little brain.
Usually, when I go to make something, I'm working with a tutorial or at least someone else's creative idea that I just figure out on my own. Not so, this time! I actually made them all without anyone giving me the idea! Now, I'm sure they're not the only peg-people angels in existance out there, but these are all mine! :)
Well, they're not all mine. I made them to give to our Primary class kids for Christmas. I had been thinking and thinking what I could give them this year, and finally, it hit me - they're all such little angels. Why not give them an angel ornament? So we went out to Michael's, and found a fantastic sale in progress. I got some tiny little peg people, some paints, and found the motherload of holiday ribbons for sale at 50% off. Which is where I found the perfect thing for their wings!
A couple evenings of painting and hot-gluing later, and I have 9 pretty little angel ornaments to show for it.
I'm patting myself on the back right now. Because I think I'm that cool.
Really, I think they turned out just right. I'm feeling very proud of them. And myself, for making something so cute with only my own brain to thank for it.
There's more there than we need. We only have 8 kids in our class, even when we get the rare visitor. So we'll definitely get to keep at least one for ourselves, which Melinda and Jacob are happy about. They think they're pretty cute too, even if Melinda is mad at me for not letting her paint one.
I just created an army of angels, all out of my own little brain.
Usually, when I go to make something, I'm working with a tutorial or at least someone else's creative idea that I just figure out on my own. Not so, this time! I actually made them all without anyone giving me the idea! Now, I'm sure they're not the only peg-people angels in existance out there, but these are all mine! :)
Well, they're not all mine. I made them to give to our Primary class kids for Christmas. I had been thinking and thinking what I could give them this year, and finally, it hit me - they're all such little angels. Why not give them an angel ornament? So we went out to Michael's, and found a fantastic sale in progress. I got some tiny little peg people, some paints, and found the motherload of holiday ribbons for sale at 50% off. Which is where I found the perfect thing for their wings!
A couple evenings of painting and hot-gluing later, and I have 9 pretty little angel ornaments to show for it.
I'm patting myself on the back right now. Because I think I'm that cool.
Really, I think they turned out just right. I'm feeling very proud of them. And myself, for making something so cute with only my own brain to thank for it.
There's more there than we need. We only have 8 kids in our class, even when we get the rare visitor. So we'll definitely get to keep at least one for ourselves, which Melinda and Jacob are happy about. They think they're pretty cute too, even if Melinda is mad at me for not letting her paint one.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Six Things
I was tagged by Brighton Woman to do this six things meme.
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they've been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.
Ms. Brighton mentioned how she'd done a Six Things meme not too long ago, and took her list on a Holiday spin. I, too, have done several random things-related memes before... and since it is Christmas, I decided that I'll focus on Holiday things also. Why not? :)
1- I love colorful Christmas lights. They can be multi-color, or colored with a theme (like only red/green, even all blue, whatever!), but I MUCH prefer them to white lights. There's nothing that disappoints me more during Christmastime than driving down a road and seeing house after house after house sporting nothing but white lights. White lights on the edges of the roof, wrapped around columns, over the bushes, twisted through the trees... A great display of lots of lights, but there's no color!!! It's just wrong, people! Use the white lights to compliment the colors, okay? Throw some white icicle lights in with multi-colored bushes next time, will you?
2- I grew up in Western Washington. There were a lot of local Christmas tree farms. I do love the smell of fresh Christmas trees. Usually, my whole family- 6 kids in tow- would go out, walk around the field several times, and try to get everyone to agree on one perfect tree. That never works with 8 people, trust me. By the time we were all feeling frozen inside and out, and it was clear that there was now way that we were all going to agree anytime soon, my dad would bribe those of us who didn't agree with the majority. And he bribed us with a quarter. And you know? It worked. Boy, we were cheap!
3- Even though I love fresh Christmas trees - the smell, the feel, the event of picking one... I own an artificial tree, and use it every year now, since we've been married. The only exception was when we bought a condo in Colorado, and our Realtor gave us a tree as our little congratulations gift. I have to admit I love being able to just pull a tree out of a closet, set it up, and be done with it, instead of devoting an entire day to the process. And I love not watering it. And not vacuuming up dead needles all month long. But it sure isn't nice to touch or smell.
4- I really, really, really don't like The Forgottoen Carols. Does that make me a bad Mormon? Michael McLean's voice really grates against my nerves for some reason. Similar to (but not quite as bad as) fingernails on a chalkboard. Just can't stand it. Add to it that I think the songs are horribly cheesy, and well, I don't like it. At all.
5- I don't believe in Santa anymore, I promise. BUT, when I was 9 or 10 years old, living in Everett, WA, I remember feeling wide awake on Christmas Eve. I knew my parents were in the front room, only separated from me by a couple thin doors. I could hear them wrapping gifts. And they were blasting the Christmas music, too. And after all the noise started dying down, and I was finally feeling sleepy, I swear I heard jingle bells outside the bedroom window. Not at people-level... like, up in the sky. I thought for years that it HAD to be Santa's sleigh bells. Nothing else could explain it! And I didn't even really believe in Santa Claus at that age anymore! But my brain allowed no other explanation. I still don't deny what I heard... I just don't have an explanation anymore. ;) So I tell my kids that I heard Santa's bells one year when I was laying quietly in bed. And now Melinda is sad when she doesn't. Especially since watching the movie Polar Express, too.
6- I used to peek at presents. Even as a teenager. I know, I was so awful, wasn't I? I finally stopped once I got married, but I sure was tempted those first few years after breaking the habit. My parents were predictable and always stowed the gifts in the same place, with only a locked door to protect them. But it was easily unlocked, and their weekly nights out sure gave me ample opportunities. The good thing was that I usually peeked in the dark, so it was hard to tell what anything was. Especially if I was trying to leave no evidence. And also, when there's six kids in the house, and at least two others are also teenaged girls, you can't really tell what's going to be your present, anyway. So, I don't actually remember spoiling the surprise for myself. I might have on a couple occasions, but if I did, it wasn't bad enough to make an impression on me. Also, the lure of all the "Santa" presents was soooo tempting that I would actually set my alarm for something crazy like 4am, get out of bed, go peek at the living room where the tree was, see all the neat "big"/unwrapped Santa gifts, then quietly sneak back to bed. And then make sure everyone was out of bed by 7am to start unwrapping! No sleeping in on Christmas morning as long as I'm around, no sir! Oh wait... right, I'm the mom now, and now I do want to sleep in on Christmas. What a pay-back.
And there you have it, six Holiday things about me.
Now it's my turn to tag people. Remember - this doesn't have to be Holiday related. And you don't HAVE to play if you don't want to. You can ignore me completely, and I won't be offended.
1. My college (sorta-)roomie, Shannon Milliman, who I found through Facebook and only recently made me aware that she had a blog!
2. Emily at Dream Awake, who is an absolutely fun/wonderful person who I know through church.
3. My sister Jacy,
4. My sister Melissa,
5. My sister Megan,
6. And last (but definitely not least!) my sister Kaija. Whew, that's all of them!
Can I tag one more for good measure? I mean, do 4 sisters seriously count as 4 separate tags?? ;) Laughadaisy, I'd love to see you do a holiday six-things meme, if you have time/energy for it!
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they've been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.
Ms. Brighton mentioned how she'd done a Six Things meme not too long ago, and took her list on a Holiday spin. I, too, have done several random things-related memes before... and since it is Christmas, I decided that I'll focus on Holiday things also. Why not? :)
1- I love colorful Christmas lights. They can be multi-color, or colored with a theme (like only red/green, even all blue, whatever!), but I MUCH prefer them to white lights. There's nothing that disappoints me more during Christmastime than driving down a road and seeing house after house after house sporting nothing but white lights. White lights on the edges of the roof, wrapped around columns, over the bushes, twisted through the trees... A great display of lots of lights, but there's no color!!! It's just wrong, people! Use the white lights to compliment the colors, okay? Throw some white icicle lights in with multi-colored bushes next time, will you?
2- I grew up in Western Washington. There were a lot of local Christmas tree farms. I do love the smell of fresh Christmas trees. Usually, my whole family- 6 kids in tow- would go out, walk around the field several times, and try to get everyone to agree on one perfect tree. That never works with 8 people, trust me. By the time we were all feeling frozen inside and out, and it was clear that there was now way that we were all going to agree anytime soon, my dad would bribe those of us who didn't agree with the majority. And he bribed us with a quarter. And you know? It worked. Boy, we were cheap!
3- Even though I love fresh Christmas trees - the smell, the feel, the event of picking one... I own an artificial tree, and use it every year now, since we've been married. The only exception was when we bought a condo in Colorado, and our Realtor gave us a tree as our little congratulations gift. I have to admit I love being able to just pull a tree out of a closet, set it up, and be done with it, instead of devoting an entire day to the process. And I love not watering it. And not vacuuming up dead needles all month long. But it sure isn't nice to touch or smell.
4- I really, really, really don't like The Forgottoen Carols. Does that make me a bad Mormon? Michael McLean's voice really grates against my nerves for some reason. Similar to (but not quite as bad as) fingernails on a chalkboard. Just can't stand it. Add to it that I think the songs are horribly cheesy, and well, I don't like it. At all.
5- I don't believe in Santa anymore, I promise. BUT, when I was 9 or 10 years old, living in Everett, WA, I remember feeling wide awake on Christmas Eve. I knew my parents were in the front room, only separated from me by a couple thin doors. I could hear them wrapping gifts. And they were blasting the Christmas music, too. And after all the noise started dying down, and I was finally feeling sleepy, I swear I heard jingle bells outside the bedroom window. Not at people-level... like, up in the sky. I thought for years that it HAD to be Santa's sleigh bells. Nothing else could explain it! And I didn't even really believe in Santa Claus at that age anymore! But my brain allowed no other explanation. I still don't deny what I heard... I just don't have an explanation anymore. ;) So I tell my kids that I heard Santa's bells one year when I was laying quietly in bed. And now Melinda is sad when she doesn't. Especially since watching the movie Polar Express, too.
6- I used to peek at presents. Even as a teenager. I know, I was so awful, wasn't I? I finally stopped once I got married, but I sure was tempted those first few years after breaking the habit. My parents were predictable and always stowed the gifts in the same place, with only a locked door to protect them. But it was easily unlocked, and their weekly nights out sure gave me ample opportunities. The good thing was that I usually peeked in the dark, so it was hard to tell what anything was. Especially if I was trying to leave no evidence. And also, when there's six kids in the house, and at least two others are also teenaged girls, you can't really tell what's going to be your present, anyway. So, I don't actually remember spoiling the surprise for myself. I might have on a couple occasions, but if I did, it wasn't bad enough to make an impression on me. Also, the lure of all the "Santa" presents was soooo tempting that I would actually set my alarm for something crazy like 4am, get out of bed, go peek at the living room where the tree was, see all the neat "big"/unwrapped Santa gifts, then quietly sneak back to bed. And then make sure everyone was out of bed by 7am to start unwrapping! No sleeping in on Christmas morning as long as I'm around, no sir! Oh wait... right, I'm the mom now, and now I do want to sleep in on Christmas. What a pay-back.
And there you have it, six Holiday things about me.
Now it's my turn to tag people. Remember - this doesn't have to be Holiday related. And you don't HAVE to play if you don't want to. You can ignore me completely, and I won't be offended.
1. My college (sorta-)roomie, Shannon Milliman, who I found through Facebook and only recently made me aware that she had a blog!
2. Emily at Dream Awake, who is an absolutely fun/wonderful person who I know through church.
3. My sister Jacy,
4. My sister Melissa,
5. My sister Megan,
6. And last (but definitely not least!) my sister Kaija. Whew, that's all of them!
Can I tag one more for good measure? I mean, do 4 sisters seriously count as 4 separate tags?? ;) Laughadaisy, I'd love to see you do a holiday six-things meme, if you have time/energy for it!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Christmas is Coming
Can I get away with nothing but pictures and videos today?? I have so many to share!!
I guess you don't have any say, though, do you? Mwahahaha!! You shall all be subjected to my whims!!
First up: These two videos of Alex were taken on December 2nd, the day after Alex turned 8 months old. Alex started "walking" a few days before, and I finally sat down to get it on video. He did about as well here as he did the first time he took 8 steps. My favorite part is how giggly he was getting each time I had him practice. You could tell he was absolutely giddy, or proud of himself, or something, the way he was tucking his chin down, grinning and spitting out barely-contained giggles. Now, one of these videos is pretty long. Don't feel obligated to watch the whole thing - his best run was the very first part of it. I just enjoyed his expressions too much to stop recording!
This past week, Alex has been quickly learning how to put things into buckets and boxes. He'll keep himself quite busy with a few random toys and an empty box to put them into (and take them back out of). Melinda, in this video, was teaching Alex how to drop shapes into the shape sorter, and was so proud of him when he would do it! Well, he could only do the circle, since it didn't require any twisting and turning to fit into the slot. I didn't actually get that part on the video, because my batteries ran out, but you can see how they were interacting here. And yes, Melinda *is* dressed as Mary. And Jacob was dressed as Joseph. And they randomly decided that "Alexy-Galaxy" would be their baby Jesus. But they couldn't figure out how to keep him still like baby Jesus. He kept crawling and walking away. Hmm. Anyway, the video:
And next up, these two videos show how Alex is doing with walking now, just over a week later. Folks, there is no stopping him. He is on the go! He now walks with every chance he gets, and is doing quite well. He can cross the room without falling down a lot of times, or at least will usually get halfway across before dropping down and crawling. He always starts off walking, where possible. He loves it when Melinda or Jacob grabs his hand and walks him around the house, too. I was mopping the floor with the gate up in the kitchen the other day, and after he got cranky and tired of waiting for me to be done, he decided to head back to Jesse in the kitchen. Now, usually when he's cranky, he gets completely uncoordinated, and will crawl around pathetically, forehead dragging on the floor, until someone comes to rescue him and pick him up. But this day that I was mopping, he was so into the walking mode, that he walked away from the gate, still crying, heading towards Jesse in the front room, and almost made it all the way there without dropping down. He could have supported himself on the wall, but he walked a good pace or two away from it. And he's only gotten better since then. I've seen him starting to crouch down to pick something up and almost stand back up to keep going. He'll be there soon. Once he figures out how to stand up without a prop (and right now, he only needs something about 4 inches off the floor), then I bet he'll be walking near constantly. I'm proud of him, but boy is it trouble!! Babies are so much easier to take care of when they can't get around. ;) Not to mention he keeps banging his forehead into corners. (And I refuse to get a nice new family picture with a giant bruise on his head, so if you don't see a Christmas card/letter from us anytime soon, I'm sorry!!)
Enough with the rambling. Obviously I am not keeping up with my pictures/videos only idea.... Ugh. Here are the next two videos.
And, finally, some pictures from our ward Christmas party. We had a really good time, ate a lot of really good food, and had the chance to talk to nearly everyone there! We picked a table at the back of the room, (I admit, because we wanted a head start on getting to the food, when it was time!) and guess where the line to get food went? Right by our table. One person in line joked that it was just like a wedding line-up. Jesse and I both laughed at that one. And then I looked at our plates full of food, remembered our own wedding reception where we didn't get any of the food because we were standing in the line talking to people the whole time, and I said, "Right... except this time we get to eat the food!" I know, I'm so cleverish, aren't I? But really, it was especially funny at that moment, or so Jesse and I thought! We got to sit and eat our plates of food and chat with everyone in line as it moved slowly along. It was great! Alex had a fun time sharing my food, too. Did I mention that he's eating table food now? We took food introduction really pretty slow with him (and while I often cite allergy risk, my ulterior motive is my hate of pureed food-feeding). He wasn't getting anything regularly until 7 months, and here at 8 months, he's having a grand ol' time eating just about anything I decide to give him. Which is, granted, mostly very soft vegetables or mashed food, or teeny tiny pieces of turkey, but he's eating it, and happily! He's also figured out how to drink from a straw, and often commandeers Melinda or Jacob's Thermoses, which are built with straws. And he's also got 6 teeth now, 2 on bottom, 4 on top. All before Melinda and Jacob had any. Crazy 3rd kid.
I haven't found any yet.
I guess you don't have any say, though, do you? Mwahahaha!! You shall all be subjected to my whims!!
First up: These two videos of Alex were taken on December 2nd, the day after Alex turned 8 months old. Alex started "walking" a few days before, and I finally sat down to get it on video. He did about as well here as he did the first time he took 8 steps. My favorite part is how giggly he was getting each time I had him practice. You could tell he was absolutely giddy, or proud of himself, or something, the way he was tucking his chin down, grinning and spitting out barely-contained giggles. Now, one of these videos is pretty long. Don't feel obligated to watch the whole thing - his best run was the very first part of it. I just enjoyed his expressions too much to stop recording!
A few days later, we had fun in a darkened room, with him chasing around a flashlight spot like a little kitten. (I know, are we horrible, or what??)
A few days later, we had fun in a darkened room, with him chasing around a flashlight spot like a little kitten. (I know, are we horrible, or what??)
This past week, Alex has been quickly learning how to put things into buckets and boxes. He'll keep himself quite busy with a few random toys and an empty box to put them into (and take them back out of). Melinda, in this video, was teaching Alex how to drop shapes into the shape sorter, and was so proud of him when he would do it! Well, he could only do the circle, since it didn't require any twisting and turning to fit into the slot. I didn't actually get that part on the video, because my batteries ran out, but you can see how they were interacting here. And yes, Melinda *is* dressed as Mary. And Jacob was dressed as Joseph. And they randomly decided that "Alexy-Galaxy" would be their baby Jesus. But they couldn't figure out how to keep him still like baby Jesus. He kept crawling and walking away. Hmm. Anyway, the video:
And next up, these two videos show how Alex is doing with walking now, just over a week later. Folks, there is no stopping him. He is on the go! He now walks with every chance he gets, and is doing quite well. He can cross the room without falling down a lot of times, or at least will usually get halfway across before dropping down and crawling. He always starts off walking, where possible. He loves it when Melinda or Jacob grabs his hand and walks him around the house, too. I was mopping the floor with the gate up in the kitchen the other day, and after he got cranky and tired of waiting for me to be done, he decided to head back to Jesse in the kitchen. Now, usually when he's cranky, he gets completely uncoordinated, and will crawl around pathetically, forehead dragging on the floor, until someone comes to rescue him and pick him up. But this day that I was mopping, he was so into the walking mode, that he walked away from the gate, still crying, heading towards Jesse in the front room, and almost made it all the way there without dropping down. He could have supported himself on the wall, but he walked a good pace or two away from it. And he's only gotten better since then. I've seen him starting to crouch down to pick something up and almost stand back up to keep going. He'll be there soon. Once he figures out how to stand up without a prop (and right now, he only needs something about 4 inches off the floor), then I bet he'll be walking near constantly. I'm proud of him, but boy is it trouble!! Babies are so much easier to take care of when they can't get around. ;) Not to mention he keeps banging his forehead into corners. (And I refuse to get a nice new family picture with a giant bruise on his head, so if you don't see a Christmas card/letter from us anytime soon, I'm sorry!!)
Enough with the rambling. Obviously I am not keeping up with my pictures/videos only idea.... Ugh. Here are the next two videos.
And, finally, some pictures from our ward Christmas party. We had a really good time, ate a lot of really good food, and had the chance to talk to nearly everyone there! We picked a table at the back of the room, (I admit, because we wanted a head start on getting to the food, when it was time!) and guess where the line to get food went? Right by our table. One person in line joked that it was just like a wedding line-up. Jesse and I both laughed at that one. And then I looked at our plates full of food, remembered our own wedding reception where we didn't get any of the food because we were standing in the line talking to people the whole time, and I said, "Right... except this time we get to eat the food!" I know, I'm so cleverish, aren't I? But really, it was especially funny at that moment, or so Jesse and I thought! We got to sit and eat our plates of food and chat with everyone in line as it moved slowly along. It was great! Alex had a fun time sharing my food, too. Did I mention that he's eating table food now? We took food introduction really pretty slow with him (and while I often cite allergy risk, my ulterior motive is my hate of pureed food-feeding). He wasn't getting anything regularly until 7 months, and here at 8 months, he's having a grand ol' time eating just about anything I decide to give him. Which is, granted, mostly very soft vegetables or mashed food, or teeny tiny pieces of turkey, but he's eating it, and happily! He's also figured out how to drink from a straw, and often commandeers Melinda or Jacob's Thermoses, which are built with straws. And he's also got 6 teeth now, 2 on bottom, 4 on top. All before Melinda and Jacob had any. Crazy 3rd kid.
Melinda enjoying her dessert at our table:
Jacob and Jesse on the other side of the table, also at dessert time:
Seeing the bit of tulle in this picture with Jesse & Jacob reminded me of something sweet. One of our Primary class children, Courtney, made us cupcakes and wrote a lovely thank-you note to give to us, for being nice/fun/interesting teachers. It really made my evening! She started out the year so shy and withdrawn, and has been so fun to watch this year. She's now always one of the first ones to volunteer to say prayer or help out with the lesson, and always seems genuinely happy to be there. The whole class, really, has been so fun to watch over the course of the year. I'll be sad to see them move up in a couple more weeks. But I was so touched that she was thoughtful enough to make us a treat and give us a note. It makes us feel so appreciated!
After the program was the traditional Santa visit! I let Melinda run over to stand in line as soon as the closing prayer was said. And although I typically shadow the kids, I also decided to let Jacob run after Melinda and stand with her. And while I knew they were both excited to see Santa, I was surprised to watch them as they approached. Melinda held onto Jacob gently, guiding him, not letting him go too soon, and gently prodding him when it was okay. It didn't hit me until much later that evening.... Melinda let Jacob go sit with Santa first. Wow. How special was that? I knew she was eager to see Santa. Probably much more eager than Jacob, who is still young enough that this is his first year grasping the concept of Santa. And yet, even though they often fight over so many other things, and even though she was very eager, she let him go first. Happily. Without anyone suggesting it to her.
Someone better stop me before I start getting all teary-eyed with mommy pride!!!
Jacob had no issues with going up to sit on Santa's lap. I'm pretty sure it was when Melinda was this age that she was absolutely terrified of Santa and wouldn't go anywhere near him, even though she loved the idea of Santa. So I was impressed at how easily Jacob took to it. He was his typical shy-faced self, though. So cute!
And then, it was Melinda's turn. She immediately took Santa around the neck in what looked like a big hug, though I'm fairly positive she was "whispering" (I use quotation marks, because her whispers are often loud enough to hurt my ears) what she wanted him to bring. It got a few laughs out of the other adults watching. After she whispered, she started fidgeting with his very loose beared. I was afraid she was about to yank it down! But I think she was just trying to get the whiskers out of the way of his nose, since it was so fluffy. ;) A few people asked me if I wanted to find out what she whispered to Santa, but I was pretty sure I knew. Asking Melinda confirmed it: She wants a "bubble gun" (not to be confused with bubble gum). The kind of bubble machine where you can pull a trigger and shoot a million bubbles at once.
And then, it was Melinda's turn. She immediately took Santa around the neck in what looked like a big hug, though I'm fairly positive she was "whispering" (I use quotation marks, because her whispers are often loud enough to hurt my ears) what she wanted him to bring. It got a few laughs out of the other adults watching. After she whispered, she started fidgeting with his very loose beared. I was afraid she was about to yank it down! But I think she was just trying to get the whiskers out of the way of his nose, since it was so fluffy. ;) A few people asked me if I wanted to find out what she whispered to Santa, but I was pretty sure I knew. Asking Melinda confirmed it: She wants a "bubble gun" (not to be confused with bubble gum). The kind of bubble machine where you can pull a trigger and shoot a million bubbles at once.
I haven't found any yet.
Although, I suppose, I should be happy I'm not like the parents who will have to explain to their son why Santa didn't bring a Nintendo Wii just because he sat on his lap and asked for it. ;) It's a pretty silly, parent-entraping tradition, isn't it?
Last, I wanted to show off one of my early Christmas presents! Jesse's parents sent two boxes of gifts, which arrived on Saturday. Nedra warned ahead of time that one of them was an "open immediately" type of gift, so I went through and found it as soon as I could. I was so amazed when we unwrapped it! It's a beautiful felt nativity set:
I'm so in love with it (THANK YOU, Nedra!!!!!). It's so gorgeous. It reminds me exactly of stained glass. Those wise men even have shiny sequins in just the right places. I cleared off the bookcase just so I could have a perfect spot to display it. It's wonderful, especially since I have nowhere to put our other Nativity scene, which is so breakable. Jesse said there was a set just like this when he was growing up, but I never saw it, so I felt pretty surprised and breathless when we unwrapped it.
Alright. Well, I think that gets me all caught up with pictures and videos. Next time I blog, I can talk more! Wait, a minute... I shouldn't say that. I think I just spent an hour putting together this post, which certainly wansn't free of my ramblings....
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