Building My Family

Sunday night, I lay in the dark, snuggling with Jacob and Melinda, singing bedtime songs to them. I had just finished singing a new song we've been learning in Primary, called "My Eternal Family". I sang it through twice, because I needed the practice with the lyrics. After I finished, Melinda asked, "Mommy, what's an eternal family?" I answered, "It means a family that is together forever. Eternal means that something doesn't ever stop. So an eternal family is a family that stays together, always, without any end - even after we die. Isn't it wonderful that we can be together forever?!" A noncommittal, empty pause, and so I filled in the space: "Well, I'm so glad we can be together forever. I love you guys so so much. Did you know that I love you so so much?" Melinda answers, kind of squirming around, like she's looking for the right thing to say, "Ummm, hmmm, well, I thought you only loved us a medium amount."

Oh. Oh.

I quickly corrected her and told them both that they were the best things that ever happened to me, and I really do love them so much - but sometimes I have a hard time being a good mom, and when I get frustrated, I'm unfortunately not so good at showing them how much I love them. I hugged them both tightly and again told them how much I loved them, and how glad I am that we can be together forever, because I would never want to be without them.... all the while, tears are falling down my upturned face, wetting my cheeks, dripping into my ears. How can I express how much they mean to me?? How can I help them understand?

I sung a few more songs, tucked them into bed, and didn't dwell too much longer on our short conversation: Once I got out to the front room, I also had Alex to take care of, because Jesse was not successful at getting him to sleep. And once he did finally go to sleep, he woke up crying loudly only about 30 minutes later. Side note: He struggled with the sleeping all day on Sunday, screeching a loud high-pitched noise at random intervals, which seemed to me like a stubborn refusal to fall asleep, more than anything else. And do you know how loudly an almost-one-year-old baby can screech when he wants to? Well, let's just say it's loud enough to both make your ears ring, and bounce screeching echoes off of the walls of your fully-carpeted, fully-furnished home. Yay? Anyway, so needless to say I was losing track of my earlier thoughts pertaining to eternal families, and I was getting tired and frustrated, having no real quiet time to enjoy to myself. So when Jesse got on my nerves a little bit later, I got rude and snippy with him. And the rest of the evening was officially ruined, at that point, as he was now reacting to me similarly, and both of us were too grumpy to suck it up and make things better.

After Alex was finally asleep for good, and I set him down, I heaved a big sigh and realized I really needed to apologize to Jesse. I worked up some humility and sincerity, and expressed my regret to him. My apology went smoothly, was accepted easily, and the remaining few minutes of the evening were now fine and stress-free. Except for when I couldn't fall asleep until after 1:30am. As I lay there in bed, being able to think clearly in the quiet (which was laced with snoring, of course), my thoughts wandered, as they should, back to my discussion with the kids at bedtime, and eternal families.

I went over the lyrics in my head:

I am a builder, working each day to build my family.
And I will do the best I can to serve them lovingly.
I am a builder, growing so tall, and learning every day
To speak with kindness in my home, to help at work and play.

My Heavenly Father sent me here, and He knows I can be
Strong and righteous as I build my eternal family.

Simple song, not my favorite in the world, and definitely geared towards children. But it struck me full force in those quiet moments, as I considered the fact that my oldest daughter thought I only loved her a medium amount, and I easily took out my frustrations on my husband that same evening. Am I really doing my best to build my family, working my hardest to always speak with kindness in my home? To serve them lovingly? Am I keeping in mind that my Heavenly Father gave this work of motherhood to me, and that He knows I'm capable of finding the strength within myself to build up my family with love?

Why is it that we are so often most rude, condescending, short-tempered and unforgiving with our families, the people we love most, who are most important to us? This is a frequently covered topic, it seems... We should treat our families even better than we treat our friends, I know this. I think we all know this. And I know I'm always on my very best behavior when I'm talking with my friends in even the briefest encounters. I need my friends, and I don't want to ruin my relationship by being too thoughtless with my words, or by coming off even the least bit rude. I don't want to do anything to offend them or drive them away. So why am I so often the opposite when it comes to my family, the people who matter the most to me, who are completely irreplaceable and the center of my world? Is it just because I know they can't just up and stop seeing me if they don't like me? Is it Satan just trying to tear apart the most fundamental and important unit of mankind? Or is it because I take their presence for granted?

I couldn't answer any of my own questions before I finally drifted off to sleep, at least not to my satisfaction. But it did give me a lot to think about, and again reminded me of how much I want to improve my family relationships, to become more Christ-like in my love with them, more perfect in my dealings with them. It's an ongoing process, and even if the reminders hurt and make me sad, I'm grateful for them, so that I can reevaluate myself, and renew my resolve to work harder. To build my eternal family.

Image via http://www.flickr.com/photos/seattle-utah/