Winter is a Time for Waiting

My last post was all about how anxious and afraid I was of impending labor.  I'm happy to say that in a matter of a few days after that, I was able to adjust my attitude and perspective.  Jesse had given me a blessing that I would be able to "look forward" to the birth.  I didn't realize at the time of the blessing how very desperately I would actually look forward to it.  I am now 10 days past my due date, the longest I've ever been pregnant, and I've now been feeling very anxious about things needing to start moving along!  I'm sure I would be feeling impatient regardless, but the fact that we need to start planning a move to California, along with traveling out there in just a few weeks to house-hunt, is putting really worry in my head about every passing day.  And now I'm also approaching the mandatory hospital/OB transfer (i.e., automatic hospital induction) if I reach 42 weeks without going into labor.  4 days away.  I would normally say, "Anything can happen in 4 days!  Don't worry!"  But the reality is that 7 days ago, I never ONCE imagined that an entire week would slip by without me having the baby.  It isn't a stretch of my imagination, anymore, to think that 4 more days could just as easily slip by with nothing happening.  And it's really stressing me out.  I have tried every trick available to me - Chiropractic, positioning tricks, acupuncture, cervical stretching, black and blue cohosh herbs, castor oil, reflexology points, prayers and blessings, my tried-and-true tactic of vigorous physical activity (jumping on the trampoline nice and high, long brisk walks, swimming for 1.5 hours), and yeah, less internet-friendly things ("You get the baby out the same way you get the baby in!").   Only castor oil had much effect, but it was never labor, and it fizzled out and left me with very unpleasant side effects that I'm still dealing with a week later.  Swimming yesterday had me hopeful, too.  I felt like I probably did a lot of good with baby's position, while the physical activity probably encouraged things.  I had fairly steady (but still completely mild) contractions all evening/night/morning.  But once I got out of bed, even those started fading away.  It's hard for me to know that there is such a deadline hanging over my head, and the pressure of an upcoming move on top of it, and seeing other babies who were due at the same time or even later than mine already coming into the world.  Why isn't my own baby coming?  What's the hold up?  Why do I have to wait?  Will the waiting lead to a very unwanted hospital birth? 

I went for a walk this morning (hoping to encourage things along, of course).  It was very cold, and foggy - the fog was literally causing frost to form on all the tree branches, encasing them in white.  It was much quieter than normal outside.  I think the fog plus the existing snow on the ground muffled more typical noises of the town.  As I walked, all these thoughts above, and more, kept running through my head, and I was having silent conversations with Heavenly Father, trying to figure out the unknowable, trying to find peace in my heart with wherever this path in my life takes me, trying to calm myself and let go of stress and worry.  It's a very hard thing to do.  You just want answers!  You just want to understand the plan!  Why can't this all be easier??  It would be easier to hold on to sanity and patience if you could just know how everything would end up, right?  Not knowing is so hard.

As I walked along, my face freezing cold, but also soaking in the peace of the environment around me, I remembered another time that I felt very distressed and found peace and comfort in the nature around me: When I was in Girl's Camp and "ran away" to the river and sang hymns.  In particular, "How Great Thou Art" has always been a comforting hymn to me, since that day.  Today during my walk, I took a pause at the dock of the mostly frozen over lake, and just looked and listened for a few moments.  The ducks contentedly waddled along the ice, paddled away in the icy water.  A song bird here or there chirped out a few cheerful notes, despite the gray cold of the morning.  There was snow and ice everywhere, and such silence.  The whole world just seemed frozen.  But the world did not seem anxious about when it would thaw.  Rather, it seemed peaceful.  Very peaceful.  And I thought to myself, "The whole world is waiting.  I'm waiting for the birth of a baby.  The earth is waiting for warmth and the rebirth of spring."  But I have been waiting with a lot of stress and worry in my heart.  The earth and its creatures know that the season will change when it's time, and they wait contentedly, seemingly without a worry or a care at all.

I left my spot on the lake and continued walking along, following the path that runs along the creek that exits the lake.  It was frozen.  Seemingly frozen in time, just like me in this pregnancy.  But I found that if I listened very closely, I could hear the small gurgle of water running beneath the surface of ice.  Things were still moving, still changing.  Time will march forward, and eventually the lake and the creek will both thaw and move freely, and the frozen trees and bushes and grasses around them will turn green again.  Perhaps if I listen closely enough, I can feel my own body and baby moving forward as well, preparing for a time not far away where things will change and new life will be brought to this earth.  And as I walked along the creek, I started to remember the song, "How Great Thou Art".  And you know? I thought: If God can create entire worlds without number with such beauty and rhythm and foresight, how much better can He create a single life, and know when it should be brought to the point of birth?  He gave this baby to me quite unexpectedly.  Can I not trust Him to also know when the time is best for his arrival?  Can I give up my very mortal worries and stresses and wishes for answers, to accept that this baby will come when it's time? 

The world is frozen, and waits.  I wait along with it.  I am so eager for this baby to be born, and still anxious about avoiding being transferred for a hospital induction.  I definitely look forward to every contraction I feel, at this point, telling Father in Heaven how grateful I am for that contraction, how eager I am for more.  It's a disappointment when they fizzle away.  But perhaps today has given me a little more insight and hope that things will work out for the best, and in their own time.

Talks

Hi, how are ya? What? You've been waiting for me to flood you with updates that I very nearly promised? And I've been quiet over here in bloggy land? You're right. I'm sorry.


I've been busy this past week or so. Silly Jesse went and actually accepted an invitation to speak in church today. (Okay, honestly, I would have said yes, also, but since he's the one who did it, I can give him a hard time about it!!) It just so happened that Melinda was assigned to give a talk in Primary today, too. So for more than a week, the majority of my free time has gone to preparing for my talk. Jesse was kind enough to help Melinda with her talk (although, truth be told, that wonderful girl came up with most of it on her own! And read it all by herself in Primary, too!!).


Since I haven't really blogged lately, I thought I'd go ahead and share my talk here. And, why not, Melinda's too! I'd share Jesse's, but he only jots down notes and then fills it in sort of on-the-spot. I can't function like that. I *have* to have the whole thing written out, or I'll be one giant mess.


I should note that this was my first talk in what I'm guessing has been about 8 years. The last time I was asked to give a talk, it was here in Louisville. How did I manage to go 6 years in one ward without ever giving a talk? I don't know... but I sure felt lucky. ;) I was afraid I'd be paralyzed by nerves, but I did alright. Talked a little faster than I should have, maybe, but not terribly so. It just made my almost 20-minute talk into a more reasonable 16-minute talk. Anyway. Here you go! I hope you enjoy these thoughts.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Today my topic is “Blessed Are the Pure In Heart”. I know there are a couple different ways to interpret the phrase “pure in heart”. One is to take it to convey a meaning more in the direction of virtue, chastity or innocence. But I immediately knew that I wanted to go the other direction – more in the way of our inner thoughts and desires.


The Apostle Paul, as recorded in Ephesians, referred to something called the “inner man”. The inner man can be described as our motives, desires, and attitudes which each affect our actions and choices in life. Our motives, desires and attitudes are each interdependent, and are often summarized in the scriptures with a single word: Our heart. The word heart occurs more than a thousand times in the standard works, usually referring to our motives, desires and attitudes. These things are not visible to the eyes or identifiable by our other senses. They seem almost intangible. But that certainly doesn’t mean that they aren’t important to our eternal welfare.


The hidden thoughts of our minds, our attitudes and desires, are just as important as our works and our actions, when it comes to how God will judge us after this life.

Psalm 24:3-4 says, “Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? Or who shall stand in his holy place? He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart.” Similarly, in Alma 5:19 we read: “I say unto you, can ye look up to God at that day with a pure heart and clean hands?”


We can see through these two scriptures that we not only need to refrain from sin in action during this life, but we also need to work to keep our hearts pure. Otherwise, we cannot expect to live with God again someday. We can’t simply go through life, working through a checklist of righteous acts, and expect to be fully welcomed by our Father in Heaven. No, if we wish to achieve exaltation- to see God- in addition to keeping the commandments, we must also purify our hearts: we need to make sure our motives, our desires, and our attitudes are acceptable before Him.


In the final judgment, we will be held responsible for the thoughts of our hearts.
1st Samuel 16:7 says “…the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.”
Ammon taught his people that God “knows all the thoughts and intents of the heart; for by his hand were they all created from the beginning”.
And Mormon wrote, “for none is acceptable before God, save the meek and lowly in heart.”


I like the way that Elder John Taylor describes this concept. He said, “He knows our thoughts and comprehends our desires and feelings; he knows our acts and the motives which prompt us to perform them. He is acquainted with all the doings and operations of the human family, and all the secret thoughts and acts of the children of men are open and naked before him, and for them he will bring them to judgment.”


I’m sure we each struggle with various issues within our own hearts. We have to work our way through pride, through selfishness; we have to remind ourselves to keep from wrongfully judging the people around us; we have to come to terms with our own possessions and status, and keep from coveting the things our neighbors have; we have to dig deep to make sure our motivation to keep the commandments isn’t for the sake of our reputation or outward appearance, but for truly bringing ourselves closer to God, and working towards becoming more like Him.

Lord Byron Buckingham said, “Make my heart transparent as pure crystal, that the world jealous of me, may see the foulest thought my heart does hold.” It’s frightening to imagine the world being able to judge each of us as a person based solely on what our hearts might hold at any moment.

But, we don’t have to worry about our Father in Heaven judging us instantly and permanently based on the impurities that are currently in our hearts. It’s comforting to think that we aren’t expected to perfect this process of purifying our hearts in this lifetime. It is simply enough to take it one step at a time, to do what we can to improve ourselves little by little. Each bit of improvement we make brings us ever closer to our Father in Heaven, and gives us the strength we need to make the next step possible. But it won’t happen by itself. We must make a conscious choice to purify our hearts.

Ezra Taft Benson said: “You are the one who must decide whose thoughts you will entertain. You are free to choose- but you are not free to alter the consequences of those choices. You will be what you think about – what you consistently allow to occupy the stage of your mind.”

Our motives and desires are so important to our eternal progress. The scriptures make it clear that doing the right thing for the wrong reason is worthless at best, and sometime even counted for evil. When the Apostle Paul preached about charity, he said: “And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing”. Clearly, unless motivated by pure love, even the most generous gifts of earthly treasures is worthless. As Paul later counseled Timothy: “Now the end of the commandment is charity out of a pure heart, and of a good conscience, and of faith unfeigned.”
Mormon similarly taught the people of his day: “For behold, God hath said a man being evil cannot do that which is good; for if he offereth a gift, except he shall do it with real intent it profiteth him nothing. For behold, it is not counted unto him for righteousness.”

So how can we take action to purify our hearts, to make sure our desires, our motives, and our attitudes are things that are pleasing to God? What can we do to help this process along?

First, we can realize that this mortal life is designed to help us along this path. Our life is a time of trial and testing, just as the Lord tested Israel for forty years in the wilderness. The purpose of that testing, the Lord explained to them, was to “humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no”

The hardships we endure as mortals can deprive us of the power to act. But at the same time, hardships can be the means of eternal growth in attitude and desire. If we endure our trials with the right attitude and pair them with righteous desires, our suffering and deprivation can be the source of great growth in our spirits. Not only is this evidenced in the Book of Mormon, when various societies are humbled and brought closer to God through their trials, but I have seen this at work in my own life. When times get challenging, there are generally two choices: To lose yourself in despair or anger, or find great comfort and strength in trusting God to direct your life. It’s during those times that we’ve been without work, or facing other significant challenges, that it becomes so much easier to stretch myself spiritually, to lean a little more on my Father in Heaven, and learn to trust Him more fully that things will work out. Maybe things won’t work out the way I always envisioned them, but I’m certain that the Lord’s plan for me will allow myself and my family the opportunity to increase our testimonies and mold our hearts to God’s will for us. When we understand the eternal purpose of hardships, it becomes easier to adjust our attitudes as well.

To become pure in heart – to achieve exaltation – we must alter our attitudes and priorities to reflect an eternal perspective; we must control our thoughts; we must reform our motives; and we must perfect our desires.
We can begin by questioning ourselves. Stripping away our pretenses and our false fronts, probing honestly and deeply within our inner selves, we should seek to identify our true attitudes and priorities. We should ask ourselves the same questions that Alma asked: “Are ye sufficiently humble? Are ye stripped of pride? Is there one among you who is stripped of envy? Is there one among you that doth make a mock of his brother?” Really take some time to sit down and meditate on the current state of your inner self. What needs improving? What isn’t quite in line with God’s will for you? Once you have an idea of an area that isn’t quite pure, you can then decide on what sort of action to take. As we take these issues to God in sincere prayer, we will find the inspiration and strength we need to truly change our inner selves.

If we are struggling with pride, it is important to think about things beyond ourselves, and give service. When we serve others, it swings our priorities away from ourselves, and puts the spotlight on others. I have some experience with this: Not long before we moved away from Maryland, I was assigned to visit a sister in our ward who was having a particularly hard time in just about every aspect of life. At the time, I was pretty wrapped up in thoughts and worry about how our own life was unfolding, with Jesse’s job stability gone, and our life in general upheaval, but the minute I would step in her door and talk to this sister about her problems, my own problems seemed to pale in comparison, and it was easy to shift my attitude to one of thanks for the blessings I still had, instead of desiring circumstances to be different. I became eager to help her in any way I could, and to ease her burden, and my other concerns were much easier to deal with. Service has a powerful ability to help us see with a more eternal perspective, and develop love for those around us.

The thoughts that go through a person’s mind generally help determine what their desires, motives and attitude will be. Therefore, it’s important to learn how to control our thoughts, because we will then be able to adjust our motives and perfect our desires. The prophet Alma taught his faithful son Helaman: “Let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever”.

It can be a tricky thing to change or control the thoughts that enter your mind. They often seem to come unbidden and unexpectedly. How can you possibly learn to control a thought, when you didn’t even know it existed before you actually thought it? It’s almost a paradox, isn’t it? To control something, it has to first exist. But despite the seeming paradox, we can train our minds to accept only positive thoughts. We are taught to replace evil thoughts that enter our minds with good ones. The act of replacing evil thoughts will allow the Spirit to strive in our hearts, as well as teach our minds to only accept positive, uplifting thoughts to enter. There are different ways we can achieve this replacement.

Marion G. Romney said, “I am persuaded, my brothers and sisters, that it is irrational to hope to escape the lusts of the world without substituting for them as the subjects of our thoughts the things of the Spirit, and I know that the things of the Spirit are taught with mighty power in the Book of Mormon…
And so, I counsel you, my beloved brothers and sisters and friends everywhere, to make reading the Book of Mormon a few minutes each day a lifelong practice.”

Boyd K. Packer suggests choosing a favorite, uplifting hymn, and to think of it anytime you discover a wayward thought in your mind. And once you find your thoughts improving, he counsels to make sure you change your environment as well, to ensure that your mind will be inspired with things that are good, rather than bombarded with evil influences. Finally, if we keep ourselves busy with righteous endeavors, our minds will be able to be filled with good things.

One of the biggest ways we can change our motives is by seeking charity. I’m convinced that having true charity is a life-long process for the overwhelming majority of us. But to seek charity, we need to first begin by praying for love, and we need to do it constantly, each day of our lives, to continually improve and get closer to the goal.

Moroni 7:48 says: “Wherefore, my beloved bretheren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become like the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure.”

As we pray and rely on the Savior, we will find ourselves able to improve, and able to make our hearts pure, one step at a time. We can perfect our desires. God commands us to do so, and he will strengthen us in this effort if we seek his help. George Q. Cannon taught: “No man ought to say, “Oh, I cannot help this; it is my nature.” He is not justified in it, for the reason that God has promised to give strength to correct these things, and to give gifts that will eradicate them. If a man lack wisdom, it is his duty to ask God for wisdom. The same with everything else. That is the design of God concerning his Church.”

Elder Bednar also emphasizes the Savior’s role in the process of purifying ourselves. He taught us that “hands are made clean through the process of putting off the natural man and by overcoming sin and the evil influences in our lives through the Savior’s Atonement. Hearts are purified as we receive His strengthening power to do good and become better. All of our worthy desires and good works, as necessary as they are, can never produce clean hands and a pure heart. It is the Atonement of Jesus Christ that provides both a cleansing and redeeming power that helps us to overcome sin and a sanctifying and strengthening power that helps us to become better than we ever could by relying only upon our own strength. The infinite Atonement is for both the sinner and for the saint in each of us.”

As we strive to obtain pure hearts, we are promised great blessings. An ancient saying says, “If a man lives a pure life, nothing can destroy him.” It may not be scripture, but I agree with it. If our hearts are pure, we will truly be able to endure all things, and nothing will be able to destroy us. We will see through the perspective of eternity, and gain strength and power as our hearts become one with our Father in Heaven.

One blessing of striving for a pure heart means that we will be rewarded for our righteous desires. If our desires are right, we can be forgiven for the unintended errors or mistakes we will inevitably make as we try to carry those desires into effect. What a comfort for our feelings of inadequacy!

Doctrine and Covenants 56:18 also shares the blessings of a pure heart. It says:
But blessed are the poor who are pure in heart, whose hearts are broken, and whose spirits are contrite, for they shall see the kingdom of God coming in power and great glory unto their deliverance; for the fatness of the earth shall be theirs.

Thomas S. Monson, in 1983, said:
“May we look upward as we press forward in the service of our God and our fellowmen. And may we incline an ear toward Galilee, that we might hear perhaps an echo of the Savior’s teachings: “Do not your alms before men, to be seen of them.” “Let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth.” And of our good deeds: “See thou tell no man.” Our hearts will then be lighter, our lives brighter, and our souls richer. Loving service anonymously given may be unknown to man- but the gift and the giver are known to God.”

Again the scriptures tell us, Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
Brothers and sisters, may we each be able to find it within ourselves to strive towards purifying our inner selves. If we work to bring our hearts closer to God, to emulate the love and concern that our Savior showed for others when He walked the earth, to practice true charity, to seek after the things of the eternities rather than the things of the world, and to perform all our good works with sincerity, we will be richly blessed and comforted throughout our lives, and we will surely be able to live with our Father in Heaven again.

I leave my testimony that these things are true,
In the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ, amen.


*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Melinda's talk:

I know that Heavenly father and Jesus Christ love me.

They sent me to earth to learn to use my body.

They gave me the chance to choose right or wrong.

Heavenly father sent Jesus to save us from death and sinning.

Jesus taught us how we should live.

If we don’t follow what he taught we will not live with Heavenly Father.

Jesus loved us so much that he died for us.

John 3:16-17
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

I know that Jesus loves us. Even though we can’t remember I know that we knew Jesus before we came to earth and we still know him.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Perfect Reminders

This post is a direct follow-up of this one, so go over and read it first if you haven't already.

So, as it turns out, what a difference a day makes. By the time Jesse woke up on Saturday morning, he was in much better spirits. Stiff and sore from spending time under the car on Friday afternoon, but obviously feeling more confident.

He headed out to the car first thing in the morning. Actually, Friday night seemed to help a lot: He had taken off to go pick up parts at the auto shop, and stopped to browse GameStop (for a potential birthday gift for Jacob), and also walked over to 7-11 and picked up a nice big Slurpee. Because, you know... those Slurpees can cure any foul mood. ;) No, but really... he spent a good chunk of time out of the house, and when he came back, he was much better. I know I often do well to just get out, too. Anyway, so he already had all the car parts on hand, and the van was ready for working on.

He decided to just cut out the bad section of pipe and replace it with a hose, an idea he found browsing forums online. Seems that he gets most of his car-repair ideas from the internet, these days. The pipe that was bad had been rusted out, and basically exploded into a series of holes. Not unlike the hot water pipes that caused multiple leaks in our old apartment. Back then, they simply clamped a hole, 4 or 5 different times, until finally they decided they had better replace the whole thing. Well, I'm sure this pipe will eventually need to be completely replaced, but for now, it's just patched. Hopefully, and this is a VERY BIG hopefully, we will be able to replace our van before another piece of the pipe rusts all the way through.

In all honesty, I think it was a full-on miracle that I was able to get from the interstate to Melinda's doctor appointment after the car overheated on Friday. After seeing how quickly the fluid was pouring out of that pipe.... it's a wonder I got anywhere at all without issue.

Back to the repairs... this is the piece of pipe that Jesse cut out. Lovely, isn't it? Completely rusted. Hilariously clamped. But, it got him home with the van, saving us a towing fee.

While he was working on taking care of that, he decided to knock out a few other repairs. First, he replaced the serpentine belt. It had been getting worse and worse, giving off a near-constant squeaky hum that annoyed me to death. Second, he replaced the MAP sensor. We think, knock on wood, that this is the solution to our year+ battle with the van randomly dying or jerking while driving. Apparently, what this sensor does is monitor the pressure in the fuel lines and adjust the amount of gas sent to be combusted. So if it senses wrongly, it will send the wrong amount of gas, and thus (according to information we read) cause mis-fires and poor gasoline economy. Since we've changed it (and it's a ridiculously simple-looking part for $60), we haven't had a single hiccup. We may be cured!!

Jesse finished with the car repairs right at lunchtime, and we enjoyed a good time out at Red Robin, where we hadn't eaten in ages. It was nice! We even treated ourselves to fruity lemonades instead of our typical water. After we finished eating, we went over to the T-mobile store and asked about Jesse's phone. Turns out that he should be able to get a $30 phone to replace his current phone, and be good to go.

So, all problems pretty much taken care of, things went back to normal. But the stress of the weekend stayed in my mind, so I was very grateful for various things that were said. Here on my blog in comments, or by email, or by messages in church today... I was reminded very thoroughly how God is in control of our lives, and that He truly does have a plan in store for our family. We may not know for sure what it is, and it may be stressful waiting around to discover it, and we may have a lot of trials along the way... but He will bless us.

In fact, one particular thing really struck me today. Our Gospel Doctrine teacher is the daughter of Elder Andersen, as I mentioned in a previous Facebook Friday. She was telling a story today taht happened when she was younger: A missionary was talking to Elder Andersen (I think when he was a Mission President, but Alex was distracting so I didn't catch that part for sure). It was just after the missionary had completely wrecked his bike, and he was feeling very down and discouraged. Elder Andersen (true to his personality!) said with enthusiasm and sincerity, "Elder, isn't that just great??" The missionary was confused by this response, and Elder Andersen explained his thought process a little bit more. I'm paraphrasing here, not quite quoting.... "Don't you see? If the adversary is working this hard to get you down, there must be some really incredible blessings coming to you soon!" Sister Ebert, his daughter, related how that conversation has really stuck with her over the years, and connected the story with the scripture in D&C 103:12: "For after much tribulation, as I have said unto you in a former commandment, cometh the blessing."

All the rest of the meeting, as I was listening to other quotes, hymns, thoughts, and testimonies, the Spirit bore witness in my heart of the truth of that idea. Sometimes, circumstances can cause you to forget and despair... but I truly know that the Lord hasn't forgotten our family and our needs. And I know that we experience these trials for a reason, and I truly know that we will be blessed at some point in time. And I have to say, Sister Ebert's story really gave me a glimmer of hope... what if, those blessings we receieve after trial (after trial, after trial...) are going to be incredible and magnificent? Something we can't even really imagine? And even if not magnificent, they will be very well received.

I'm so grateful for the loving words of reassurance of all of my family and friends. I'm touched by your prayers and support, and so thankful for your love. I know the bad times will pass... But all the same, I'm glad for the reminder of why we even have the bad times in the first place.

And just because they're all so cute, here are some pictures I took of the kids on the porch while Jesse was down working on the car.

Okay, so Jesse's not a kid. But he's our own personal conquering hero, and he sure deserves a picture in the blog!

Grandma Lewis, and Eternal Life

Jesse got a call from his family Saturday afternoon, and received some bad news. His Grandma, Norma Lewis, who lived in Idaho Falls, Idaho, passed away just about an hour before he got the call. She had suffered a stroke shortly before Christmas, but been recovering well. Even at the ripe old age of 90, she was still living independently, despite challenges like poor eyesight, and failing hearing.

Grandma Lewis was a wonderful woman with many talents. We haven't seen her in many years, unfortunately, so I only personally have memories of her from early in my days of meeting Jesse, since we both attended Ricks College (now BYU-Idaho) in Rexburg, Idaho. Grandma Lewis celebrated Thanksgiving with Jesse and myself. It was a Thanksgiving I'll never forget, truly. She cooked enough food for about 10 families, despite it being only 5 people (Sarah and Doug came, also). A large turkey, a ham, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, stuffing, every vegetable you could imagine, rolls, pies, and all the typical sides like olives, pickles, etc. It was an belly-popping feast, and Grandma Lewis insisted you eat until you couldn't possibly touch another bite. There were so many leftovers that it was apparent we'd be eating Thanksgiving food for at least three days. Jesse and I nearly panicked when Sarah and Doug up and left the very next day, before they could help make a dent in the leftovers. We literally begged roomates and friends who were in the area to come visit and eat!! But it was still left to us to do the majority of the eating. We always get a good laugh at the memory.

Aside from being a fantastic cook, grandma Lewis was an accomplished pianist and organist, and taught piano to many children. She could sew very well, and each of my children have a baby blanket that she painstakingly made, even with her poor eyesight. And she was so frugal: gardening, saving, and re-using long before the green movement ever came into play. All in all, she will be greatly missed.

We're not sure about funeral plans, yet. There's no doubt in my mind that Jesse will be able to go, no matter when the date is finalized, but I'm unsure about the whole family being able to attend. So, we'll see.

I was thinking about this today, and also thinking that I haven't done a spiritual thought for Sunday for a while. I thought I would tie Grandma Lewis' passing into a spiritual thought about death and resurrection. For, even while we are sad at her leaving this mortal life, we have great faith that we'll see her again.

In the Book of Mormon, 2nd Nephi, chapter 9:

6 For as death hath passed upon all men, to fulfil the merciful plan of the great Creator, there must needs be a power of resurrection, and the resurrection must needs come unto man by reason of the fall; and the fall came by reason of transgression; and because man became fallen they were cut off from the presence of the Lord.

• • •

10 O how great the goodness of our God, who prepareth a way for our escape from the grasp of this awful monster; yea, that monster, death and hell, which I call the death of the body, and also the death of the spirit.
11 And because of the way of deliverance of our God, the Holy One of Israel, this death, of which I have spoken, which is the temporal, shall deliver up its dead; which death is the grave.
12 And this death of which I have spoken, which is the spiritual death, shall deliver up its dead; which spiritual death is hell; wherefore, death and hell must deliver up their dead, and hell must deliver up its captive spirits, and the grave must deliver up its captive bodies, and the bodies and the spirits of men will be restored one to the other; and it is by the power of the resurrection of the Holy One of Israel.

• • •

15 And it shall come to pass that when all men shall have passed from this first death unto life, insomuch as they have become immortal, they must appear before the judgment-seat of the Holy One of Israel; and then cometh the judgment, and then must they be judged according to the holy judgment of God.

• • •

19 O the greatness of the mercy of our God, the Holy One of Israel! For he delivereth his saints from that awful monster the devil, and death, and hell, and that lake of fire and brimstone, which is endless torment.

• • •

26 For the atonement satisfieth the demands of his justice upon all those who have not the law given to them, that they are delivered from that awful monster, death and hell, and the devil, and the lake of fire and brimstone, which is endless torment; and they are restored to that God who gave them breath, which is the Holy One of Israel.

• • •

39 O, my beloved brethren, remember the awfulness in transgressing against that Holy God, and also the awfulness of yielding to the enticings of that cunning one. Remember, to be carnally-minded is death, and to be spiritually-minded is life eternal.

Our late Prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley, said about death:

Since the creation of man, no fact of life has been so certain as death with the close of mortality. When the last of life’s breath is drawn, there is a finality comparable to no other finality. When a father and mother lay the remains of a beloved child in the cold of the grave, there is grief almost inconsolable. When a husband buries the companion of his life, there is a loneliness that is poignant and unrelieved. When a wife closes the casket on the remains of her beloved husband, there are wounds that seem never to heal. When children are bereft of parents who loved and nurtured them, there is an abject destitution comparable to none other. Life is sacred, and death is somber. Life is buoyant and hopeful. Death is solemn and dark. It is awesome in its silence and certainty. Appropriately did Sir Walter Raleigh cry out, “O eloquent, just and mighty death” (in Alfred Noyes, Heath Readings in the Literature of England, 1927, p. 1132).

But death is not final. Though it seems so when its dark shroud overshadows mortal life, to those who accept the Christ and His eternal mission there is light and comfort, there is assurance, there is certainty.

I penned these lines some years ago while seated in the funeral service of a friend:

What is this thing that men call death,
This quiet passing in the night?
’Tis not the end, but genesis
Of better worlds and greater light.

O God, touch Thou my aching heart,
And calm my troubled, haunting fears.
Let hope and faith, transcendent, pure,
Give strength and peace beyond my tears.

There is no death, but only change

With recompense for victory won;
The gift of Him who loved all men,
The Son of God, the Holy One.

And of course, I love the simplicity of the Gospel found in the teachings and songs of Primary. It seemed appropriate that today the children were learning this song, from the Children's Songbook: I Lived In Heaven (click to listen to the mp3!)

It tells of the Plan of Salvation set forth by our Heavenly Father, beginning with our premortal existence, and ending with the hope we have in a glorious life yet to be, thanks to our Savior conquering death.

As sad as we are for her passing, and that our children haven't had the opportunity to meet Grandma Lewis in person, we are so grateful for the knowledge we have of life after death, and our Heavenly Father's plan for us. We are so grateful for eternal families.

(Photo of Eldred ("Bud") and Norma Lewis. Notes on the back of the photo: "Grandpa was home on leave from San Diego about 1944")

Validated

I'm listening to the General Relief Society Meeting right now. (And making puppets.)

Do you/did you hear President Uchtdorf? He's talking about me! Well, not specifically me, but how I described I felt here.

God loves me, huh? Speaking directly to my needs.
My heart sure feels full.

Back to listening, I go!

A Shove in the Right Direction

You know when you get stuck in a pretty major rut? You accept that you need to make some changes, but something always stops you from doing it. You even want to make those changes, but not badly enough that you actually do.

I have been in that sort of rut for a very long time. I haven't been reading my scriptures or saying my prayers - at least not regularly - for a few years now. Yikes, I know. I hate saying it in such a public way, almost convinced myself not to... it makes me feel a little exposed and very much self-conscious. Completely ashamed, even.

But if I didn't admit that much, than the rest of what I want to say wouldn't really make a single bit of difference. And let me warn you that this will take a long time to tell. A very long time. So get comfy.

For quite some time now, I haven't felt good enough. Like I'm doing everything wrong in my life. Or, even if I'm doing it right, I'm not doing it well enough to really make it count. I would often sit down and have a huge mental list going of all the changes I felt like I needed and wanted to make in my life. And you know, it became overwhelming very, very quickly. To the point where I would give up before I even got started, and just get on my own case about what a failure I continued to be. Can't even find the motivation to do one tiny thing. How worthless I am.

I know! I should have stopped myself right there, and told myself to just do something, anything, to start improving myself, reaching my goals, and making myself what I want to be. I know what a trap I was putting myself into with that sort of thinking, but I never could seem to pull myself out of it, despite that knowledge. I simply felt overwhelmed, and held my own worth in very low esteem. I just couldn't motivate myself to simply get started, no matter how badly I wanted to change. There was always some lame excuse getting in the way.

Then Sunday happened. I went to church, as we do every Sunday. With three small children in tow, and a calling to teach the 6-year-olds in Sunday School, I typically don't really learn very much during the meetings. But somehow, things worked out this particular week, and I was able to listen fairly well to the talks given during Sacrament Meeting that day. A rare treat, our Bishop presented a talk he prepared. I didn't hear every single word of his talk, but I heard enough that it made an impact in my heart.

His talk focused on the story of the Jaredites found in the book of Ether in the Book of Mormon, and how their experience can be likened to our both financial and spiritual safety in today's world. The financial aspect makes sense, of course, since Bishop Paul is works in the finance industry, and obviously, as he discussed, our country's current state of financial affairs is looking pretty grim. But my heart was really focused on what he was saying on the spiritual aspect, since that is where I've felt like I really need help lately.

The Jaredites, as the Book of Mormon tells us, were led to the Americas by God at the time of the Tower of Babel. As they prepared to cross the ocean, they built barges shaped like a dish, and prepared them so that they would be sealed tight. As they traveled in them, the waves and weather literally pushed them towards their promised land. It wasn't a smooth ride, by any means. They crossed an entire ocean with no oars and no sails, after all. But they couldn't get to a good place until they had passed through all the rough waters, first.

I wish I could remember clearly everything that Bishop Paul related to this account. But I didn't write it down right away, and since then, other things have caught my attention, and my memory has become a bit more vague. But I do remember that regular scripture reading and prayer were two things that he compared to sealing the barges tight, so that no water could get into them. If our spiritual selves are the boats, and we have to be pushed along a rough ocean full of trials and temptations before we can get to our promised land, we need to make sure our boats are sealed tight. Reading our scriptures and saying our daily prayers are absolutely vital. This probably isn't sounding too profound, now that I've over-summarized it and have forgotten details, but it was something I needed to be reminded of, and really absorb. I felt touched by this talk, and it again reaffirmed my desires to make positive changes in my life.

Well, life never pauses. We got home from church, had lunch, and were about to get the kids settled down for naps and quiet time. After I ate my lunch, and the kids were still working on theirs, I decided (on a whim, as I often do, when the temptation is visible) to grab a small handful of treats to enjoy. Jesse saw me, and made a remark about how I "always complain" about my weight, and then I go and grab a treat so casually.

I'm not one to be super sensitive about my weight. I know I'm overweight, I know I should work harder at getting back into shape, but all in all, it comes back to my earlier-mentioned problem. It's one of the many, many, many things I feel like I need to fix about myself, and since it's one of so many, I end up just shoving it all away, because it's too overwhelming to deal with it all. In order to start fixing something, you have to pick which something needs to take priority, and I never could get my head wrapped around that enough to do anything.

Bottom line, Jesse's words didn't hurt (well, except for the use of "complain", because I really don't. I've barely started saying anything at all to him about it, and it certainly hasn't been to "complain"). We regularly tease each other about how out-of-shape we've gotten over the years. Packing pictures away for our recent move really shocked Jesse - he saw our first year anniversary photo, and could hardly believe it was him in the picture, it looked so different. I feel the same way about myself, a lot of times. That slim girl who got married? She looks so different from what I look like now. So, no, his words didn't necessarily hurt me, or shock me. But his tone did. I heard what he said and instantly reacted: I sank unceremoniously to a chair, my face surely revealing the pain I felt, and I got silent. After my mind processed things for several moments, I whispered, voice cracking, "Jesse... That really hurt my feelings."

He apologized immediately, of course. The number of times we've fought or hurt each other over the past 9 years could be counted on less than than 10 fingers. Our personalities mingle in such a way that it simply doesn't happen often at all. But for once, it didn't matter that he meant no harm, or that I would normally just brush him off and not even care. No, this time, my mind was already completely focused- and had been, for quite some time- on all the ways I simply wasn't good enough. Self-control with the treats? Yeah, that's kinda high on the list- it represents both a pretty big weakness of mine, and a major contributor to the whole weight thing. I heard his apology, but it also turned into an explanation about how he was just pointing something out, not trying to be mean. But of course, having a weakness pointed out to you in a tone that sounds awfully derisive, even if it wasn't meant to be, is something that can hurt you when you're already plenty focused on it, and feeling guilty enough on your own.

Seeing that he wasn't really getting why I was suddenly so hurt, and I was feeling trapped by yet another weakness (my difficulty with speaking my feelings while holding any semblance of composure), I began feeling very low and very frustrated. I could feel the tears filling up in my eyes, and I quickly left the room just as they started to spill over. I felt immediately guilty about that, too - I can't remember the last time I cried because of something between myself and my husband. I didn't want him to feel guilty about my current self-esteem issues, and I knew that leaving the room crying would probably do that to him. Nevertheless, I needed to cry, and I needed to do it without the audience of my children.

I walked swiftly to my room, flopped onto the bed, buried my face in the pillow, and let it all come out. All those days and weeks of not feeling good enough, feeling like a failure... the endless cycle of thoughts that reminded me of exactly why I don't measure up, exactly what's wrong with me, how I'm weak and pathetic. Each thought ran through my head in rapid circles, and the more I was left alone, the stronger I sobbed into my pillow.

Finally, Jesse came. I wished he would have come immediately... I wondered to myself why he didn't chase after me to make sure I was okay (my ideals sound like they're out of a fiction novel, sometimes). Later, it became obvious that he wanted to make sure the kids were settled down and taken care of so he could talk to me without being interrupted. I suppose I'm thankful for that. I'm not sure it would have turned out alright if we had been constantly bothered by the children.

We had a very quiet, honest talk. I managed to get my thoughts across without completely butchering them, and the tears kept coming, just like you would expect when I'm trying to express myself. The gist of the conversation was that I felt so bad about myself. Jesse had no idea that I felt bad enough that his one comment could send me over the edge and cause a crying spree. He asked me what, exactly, had me feeling so down. "Everything!" I cried. As if that could fully explain it! But I eventually tried to explain it better for him, and he was very tender and did his best to understand and comfort me. It would have been enough for me that he just listened so well, and held me while I cried. But he helped me so much more.

Finally, he suggested that as overwhelming as everything is, and since I've had such a hard time just getting started with anything, I should really just work on the scriptures and prayer. Like I know should be the first priority. He admitted that he needed to work on that, too, so we would simply start together- right away, that night. And he reminded me of something we hear constantly in the church: That if you do what you're supposed to do and have faith, everything else will fall into place. He then embraced me, and did his best to try to get me to smile again, snuffly-nosed and blotchy-faced as I was by this point. It felt completely goofy to smile in the state I was in, but smile I did, and I truly did feel so much better by this point. Sometimes, you just have to cry something out, and get someone to listen, and things will start to settle themselves. Keeping things bottled up inside just makes for a worse situation... I really need to work on opening up more often. But what really touched my heart was that after I smiled, and we embraced once more, Jesse again apologized for hurting my feelings... and then he started crying, saying how much he loved me. There is nothing on earth more sweet to me than a man who is full enough with emotion that he starts crying. My heart absolutely soared.

When it came time that night to start back up our scripture reading, Jesse convinced me that we should start with the Pearl of Great Price. It seemed a very random place to start, for me. Generally, in church curriculum, the Pearl of Great Price is tacked on at the end of other works, and usually not at the start. Jesse's argument was that it's a fairly short portion of the scriptures, and both easy and fun to read. It had been quite some time since I had read through the Pearl of Great Price (um, since college??), so I went along with it, though I was still a bit unsure.

This could not have been coincidence. I fully believe that Heavenly Father needed to send me a message, to speak to me through the scriptures. And somehow He put it into my husband's head exactly where it was that we should begin.

We opened up to the first chapter of Moses. It immediately begins with God coming to Moses, talking with him face-to-face. In the space of only a few verses, he addresses Moses three times as His son, really making sure that the message is coming across:

• Verse 4: Behold, thou art my son.
• Verse 6: Moses, my son.
• Verse 7: Moses, my son.

God then grants Moses a vision of the the world, from beginning to end, and every being within in. Moses marveled and wondered at it all. And then the presence of God was withdrawn, and Moses was left to himself again. He suddenly felt very insignificant and perhaps even a bit dejected:

Moses 1:10
...I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed.

Man is nothing. I sure can relate to that, I thought. And as soon as Moses is in this state of mind, Satan comes and speaks to him, tempting him (and I can just picture it all with a mocking sneer on his face), saying "Moses, son of man, worship me".

And here's where I just about fell apart - it was my turn to read out loud, and I barely managed to choke it out between my sobs:

Moses 1:13
And it came to pass that Moses looked upon Satan and said: Who art thou? For behold, I am a son of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten; and where is thy glory, that I should worship thee?

Moses taught me such a huge lesson here: Even when he was feeling worthless, like nothing, and faced with Satan's lies, he still remembered who he was: a child of God. And as a child of God, he is worth so much, and has so much divine potential. I am worth so much, as a daughter of God, and I have so much potential. My Heavenly Father loves me. He knows me. He is here for me in my struggles, and will support me with gentleness and unconditional love. So many endless blessings are there for me to enjoy, they are promised to me - I simply have to reach out for them. (See this month's Visiting Teaching message on the eternal potential of women, for yet another thing that ties into this whole experience for me.)

I am so grateful for the way Sunday played out. I'm grateful for the incident that caused my feelings to get hurt - it was a shove in the right direction, the start of a very good thing. Just like the Jaredites who had to be pushed along rough ocean waters to reach the promised land, I needed a pretty forceful emotional shove to get my spiritual self going back in the right direction.

And you know? Jesse was right, of course. We've read our scriptures and said our prayers daily since Sunday. And even though I haven't been hit with a spiritual ton of bricks with every scripture session or personal prayer, I have noticed a HUGE difference in my days since we started this. I haven't lost my temper. I've faced individual problems with much more patience and love. I've been more eager and able to get something accomplished. I've even invited my children to help me in the kitchen, and did it happily, something that definitely is not par for course around here. I saw more beauty in the world surrounding me, and felt more wonder and awe for the simple things in life. Even in the face of Alex having a cold and sleeping in only half-hour bits and pieces throughout the days and getting crankier and crankier by the minute, I kept my patience and still had a smile at the end of the day. Normally, those days are enough to make me want to run screaming by the time Jesse gets home from work. So yes, definitely - this whole thing was a shove in the right direction. And my testimony of the power of daily scripture study and prayer has been renewed. I can see without a doubt the power it has had to change my life for the better, and it happened almost instantaneously.

Yeah, I still have a lot that I need to work on and improve about myself. But you know? With the right perspective, it doesn't feel as oppressive. I can handle it.

D&C 78:18
“Be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.”

2nd Nephi 2:25
Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

Be happy. Love yourself. Remember that God loves you, and that you are His child. You are worth everything in the world.

Melinda's Primary Talk

Melinda's first church Primary Talk
August 7, 2008
Assigned Topic: I can learn about prayer through the scriptures


I can learn many things about prayer from the scriptures.


Enos, in the Book of Mormon, prayed a whole day and night so he could be forgiven for his sins. And when Heavenly Father told him that he was forgiven, he prayed again for both the Nephites and the Lamanites, and for the safety of the records that are now the Book of Mormon.








Daniel, who was a prophet in the Bible, knew that prayer was so important that he kept praying many times every day, even though it was against the law. He was thrown into the lion’s den because he broke the law, but Heavenly Father protected him, and the lions didn’t hurt him.




The king of the Lamanites was taught by Aaron and his brothers about the gospel. The king listened to them, and then prayed so that he could gain his own testimony. Because of this, the king and all the Lamanites in seven lands and cities were converted and became righteous people.








Abraham the prophet, and his wife Sarah, prayed to have a baby. They lived many years without having a baby, but when Abraham was 100 years old and Sarah was 90 years old, Heavenly Father finally blessed them with a son, and he was named Isaac.








Because of all these stories in the scriptures, I can learn about prayer and follow these examples.
I can pray to be forgiven, just like Enos.
I can pray always, no matter what, just like Daniel.
I can pray to gain a testimony, just like the king of the Lamanites.
I can pray for blessings that I need, just like Abraham and Sarah.

I know that Heavenly Father will hear and answer my prayers, just like He did with all the prophets.

************
The mommy's narrative:
Granted, I wrote this for her, but she had to practice a lot and be the one to speak into the microphone!! During the course of practicing, it became obvious that the talk was too long. Took about 8 minutes. So, we cut off a big paragraph at the beginning (about Jesus visiting the Nephites) and end (about Joseph Smith's vision), and this talk was the result. Melinda did a great job, she wasn't nervous at all. And she didn't yell into the microphone or do funny things with her voice, like she had while we practiced, thank goodness!

***********
We're going to Pennsylvania later today for our friend's baby blessing. It will be interesting to see how the kids handle going to 2 church meetings in one day (although we did leave after Primary in our ward, to minimize it for them), and also having church later in the afternoon. But we're excited to visit our friends and see their new daughter blessed!

Prayer

"Our prophets have admonished us repeatedly to make family prayer a regular part of our daily worship. President John Taylor asked the Saints:

" 'Do you have prayers in your family? . . .

" 'And when you do, do you go through the operation like the guiding of a piece of machinery, or do you bow in meekness and with a sincere desire to seek the blessing of God upon you and your household? That is the way that we ought to do, and cultivate a spirit of devotion and trust in God, dedicating ourselves to him, and seeking his blessings.'"

L. Tom Perry

“The Lord has said, ‘Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers’.

“What a tremendous promise is given in this statement. If we are without conceit and pride and arrogance, if we are humble and obedient, then the Lord will lead us by the hand and answer our prayers. What greater thing could we ask for? There is nothing to compare with this.”

Gordon B. Hinckley

Melinda has her first talk assignment for Primary...and it's next week! Ack! The topic is "I learn about prayer from the scriptures". So. You know what we're going to be focusing on the coming week. :)

Scripture Sunday (belated)

Our internet stopped working yesterday evening, when I was going to sit down and do Scripture Sunday. We tried resetting the modem several times to no avail, and finally decided there must be an outage, and just gave up. It still wasn't working this morning, but a modem reset worked this time, so here I am, with Scripture Sunday, just a little bit late!

Many years ago, when I was working as a secretary in a legal office, the working environment became very tense for a lot of us. Our company was heavily into the venture capital funding of many internet start-ups, a.k.a. dot com's. Business was just starting to decline when I was hired, but after 2001, it got really bad. Rumors of layoffs went through the office constantly. I survived the first wave, somehow. As a relatively new hire, it surprised me. But as things still looked bleak, another wave of layoffs were going to happen. I became very nervous about my job, and the office manager was, well, most unpleasant as a person, herself. So my work environment during the last several months was very upsetting, and I found myself prone to nearly having nervous breakdowns. In my search for calm, I printed this scripture from 2 Timothy and pasted it to my computer monitor. It helped tremendously.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I was laid off, but we survived just fine. I felt fairly liberated after leaving the environment that caused me at least some degree of daily fear.

On a completely different vein, the August 2008 issue of the Ensign seemed to have several articles devoted to parenting in the spirit of the gospel. One that I especially enjoyed reading was the article titled Love, Limits and Latitude. It's not available to link to online just yet, but it was filled with many quotes from Prophets throughout our modern history. A few of them include:

Kind looks, kind actions, kind words, and a lovely, holy deportment towards them will bind our children to us with bands that cannot be easily broken; while abuse and unkindness will drive them from us. - Brigham Young

You can only correct your children ... in kindness, by love unfeigned, by persuasion, and reason. - Joseph F. Smith

Take time to be a real friend to your children. - Ezra Taft Benson

Discipline with severity, discipline with cruelty inevitably leads not to correction but to resentment and bitterness.
Children don't need beating, they need love and encouragement. - Gordon B. Hinckley

As I try to improve my parenting, I appreciate the wise words of our modern-day prophets. I appreciate that their words go hand-in-hand with the style of parenting I believe is best, even though I'm far from perfect at parenting that way. As the article points out at its close, "No parent handles every situation perfectly. When we fall short, it is important to apologize and try to do better. After all, parents are growing and learning too." I do try my best to apologize to my children every time I make a recognizable mistake.

If you're wondering what the first part of this blog post has to do with the second half, it's the scripture. For some reason, the scripture kept popping into my mind as I read the article. I've never before thought of that particular scripture with a perspective about the environment I create. But I think it's true - if I am to succeed at parenting with the spirit of the Lord, I need to be absolutely sure that I'm not creating a spirit of fear, but instilling a sense of power, love, and a sound mind within my children. We need to treat our children with the same sort of love and respect that our Heavenly Father treats us with. From the article, "Coercion - physical or psychological - is not appropriate. Coercive behavior includes physical and verbal abuse, threats, shouting, manipulating, withdrawing love, and shaming." We know that our Heavenly Father does not use such methods with us, when we are in need of correcting our lives. He always extends His love and genuine concern for us, and gently leads us in the way we should go.

My ultimate goal in parenting, of course, is to be more like Him. A saying I picked up a year or two from an internet forum went something like, "Christ never said 'Go to your room!', only 'Come unto me.'". It simultaneously makes me chuckle at the absurdity of the image, and nod my head at the sense it makes - my children aren't going to learn any great lessons from sitting alone as a punishment, but they'll learn a lot if I take them, with love, to a quiet spot and talk with them gently, with reasoning and encouragement, empowering them with the tools they need to make good choices.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Scripture Sunday

Proverbs 20:7
The just man walketh in his integrity: his children are blessed after him.

In the LDS church's Young Women program, there are seven values that girls develop through Personal Progress goals and projects during their teenage years. The seventh is Integrity. The Young Women manual says:

I will have the moral courage to make my actions consistent with my knowledge of right and wrong.

Being a life-long member of the church, I participated in this program. I completed all my goals and projects and earned my Young Womanhood recognition award. I did a pretty good job, I think, at making my actions consistent with my knowledge of right and wrong while I was a Young Woman.

Since becoming a stay-at-home mom, I have to say that my opportunities to practice integrity have been few and far between, relative to the rest of my life. And when you're out of practice with something, sometimes it takes a little bit of work to get it right when you are faced with it again.

A few weeks ago, I got a call from a friend, asking if we'd like an invitation to her daughter's birthday party. Melinda and her daughter are very close in age, and Melinda absolutely adores playing with her. And her family is wonderful, as well. So of course I excitedly said YES! We would love to be invited. We both were attending a dinner party together later that evening, so she told me she would give us the invitation then. In the meantime, I shared the fun news with Melinda - wouldn't it be great to go to her friend's birthday party? How fun!

So when I was given the invitation just as we were leaving to go home after dinner that night, I initially felt nothing but excited. I opened it right there in front of our friend, with Melinda standing next to me eagerly. And as we opened it, our friend explained that the birthday would be on a Sunday. It was the only day she could reserve time at the community pool, and it was a swim party. My heart honestly fell. All my life I had been raised with the ideal that "we don't swim on the Sabbath day". And it's been a standard that we've carried through into my own family. Melinda has asked several times to go swimming on Sunday, and every time, we explain to her that our family doesn't do that, because Heavenly Father asks us to keep the Sabbath Day holy, and that's one of the ways I was raised to do it. Let me clarify that we are nowhere near close to removing all inappropriate activities from our Sabbath day, but this is one of the very few that we're extremely consistent about. Still, Melinda and I had both been looking forward to this invitation very much, and I faltered. I said nothing about the date, just smiled as best as I could, made general comments about how fun it sounded, and so on. And I began an internal argument with myself.

Initially, I talked with Jesse about it. It wouldn't be so bad, after all, would it? We'd still be able to go to church. We'd be spending time with good friends, who also happen to be lovely Christians. We aren't totally against recreational activities - we feel it appropriate to enjoy the outdoors- Heavenly Father's creations- on the Sabbath. We are open to lunches and picnics with friends, sometimes even long walks or hikes. Why not a birthday party, outside, with friends? It was easy to see all the reasons why we should do it. Still, the one (big) reason not to do it kept glaring in my mind. The word turmoil seems appropriate to describe it. I really really wanted to say yes to the invitation. But I also really really didn't want to compromise my family's standards and set a bad example for my children.

In all honesty, I did eventually come to the point of just shrugging my shoulders and deciding that it would be perfectly fine to go. I intended to accept the invitation. It wouldn't be "that bad". But I hadn't yet officially RSVP'd, and the internal argument continued within me. Especially while we were on the road a lot during vacation. There's a lot of time to think while you're driving for 25 cumulative hours! And in the end, I realized what a mistake it would be to attend, despite how innocent it seemed on the surface.

What would it teach my children, if I say over and over and over again, "We don't do x," and then turn around and decide it's okay to do it this time, just because we all want to? As a friend recently reminded me, we teach our children not only by what we say, but also what we do. And we must set a good example for them in order for them to learn what we are trying to teach them. I know that, but I was conveniently forgetting it while I was trying to make this seemingly simple decision. I was taught that you choose the right, no matter how hard it is. And in fact, that's what I teach the children in my Primary class every single Sunday of the year. Choose the Right. (Boy, what a bad teacher I would be if I couldn't even follow the lessons meant for 6-year-olds!) I was given a commandment to keep the Sabbath Day holy. I made covenants when I was baptized, and when I went to the temple. I promised to keep those covenants. It would be a pretty big mistake to do something against my standards with the intention of repenting for it. Making an honest mistake is one thing... intending to make it is a whole different ball game. Ironically, today's lesson compared the feeling we get from making wrong choices to having a pebble in your shoe - you just can't stop thinking about it, it makes you really uncomfortable and unhappy. But when you finally get it out, you feel so much better!

Ultimately, I sent an email to my friend telling her that we wouldn't be attending, and that we were very sorry, and told her exactly why I hadn't said something right off the bat. She was very understanding and told me that she respected our desire to be consistent in our parenting and religious values, and offered a day that week that she could get together with us outside of the party.

And you know what? I felt happy. And after talking about it with Melinda, she agreed that we should stick to our family's rules and standards, even though it would be sad to miss such a fun party. Her only concern was that she wanted to play with her friend. And when I explained that we could make plans to see her on a different day very soon, her face lit up happily. It felt doubly wonderful to see my daughter happy about making a good choice, too.

And so like the above scripture says, children are blessed when their parents walk with integrity. I'm glad for the opportunity I had to remember the things I learned as a child, and to put my integrity back into practice. It was difficult, but rewarding. (And can I just say that I'm a little shocked at how hard it was for me to make this decision?)

I hope that as my children continue to grow, that we will face many more decisions and come out proud of the choices we make together. And I hope they will learn well along side us, and be able to gain their own integrity as adults. Petty as a decision about a birthday party invitation might seem, I think how we dealt with it set us on a postive path for harder choices in our future.

Scripture Sunday

I'm shamelessly following Allyson's example, and I'm going to try a new thing: Every Sunday, I'll post a scripture or spiritual quote and talk briefly about it, in order to enhance the spirit of my Sabbath day.

One of my long-time favorite scriptures is found in the Book of Mormon. Helaman 5:12 reads:

And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.

I think one of the bigger reasons that I was originally so drawn to this scripture is the visual imagery involved. I have a really easy time envisioning hanging onto a rock for dear life in the middle of a terrible storm. And my mind also has a very easy time translating that literal storm into a spiritual storm, and the literal rock to the Rock of Jesus Christ.

But more than that, I love the promises contained in this verse.

Elder Richard G. Scott said:

“I testify that you will remove barriers to happiness and find greater peace as you make your first allegiance your membership in the Church of Jesus Christ, and His teachings the foundation of your life. Where family or national traditions or customs conflict with the teachings of God, set them aside. Where traditions and customs are in harmony with His teachings, they should be cherished and followed to preserve your culture and heritage. There is one heritage that you need never change. It is that heritage that comes from your being a daughter or son of Father in Heaven” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1998, 114; or Ensign, May 1998, 87).

I very much have faith in the promise given in Helaman 5:12, that if you build your spiritual foundation on Christ's teachings, Satan will have no power to drag you down, and you cannot fall. I do have a testimony of it as well - when I have been faithful in following the Lord's commandments, I am happy and can find peace in even the most tumultuous of times that I experience.