Tagged

I got tagged for this meme over at Laughadaisy. :)

Here's the thing: This was actually incredibly difficult for me to write. I've been thinking about it for days! I'm in an odd spot in my life where I really feel like I'm almost just going through the motions of living, and haven't been putting much real thought behind my actions. So when presented with the task of explaining my joys, fears, goals, obsessions... well, I kind of got this blank look to my face and realized how extremely little I've been thinking along those lines. Almost like my thoughts have been essentially empty.

Who am I? What do I think about? What makes me tick? I used to be able to answer these questions without too much hesitation, but I've sort of lost myself over the last couple years, with the exception of random, rare moments. Or maybe I'm not so much lost, as I just don't remember very well because I'm just too darn busy going through the motions. I'd prefer to think of it that way, at least. At any rate, I had to think hard for this meme. And that's a good thing.

RULES:
Post these rules on your blog.
Answer these 15 questions about yourself on your blog.
Tag five people at the end of your post by leaving their names.

Here it is:

JOYS:

1. I love watching my kids learn or experience something new for the first time. Anything from seeing a new animal, hearing a new sound, singing a new song, understanding a new concept.... I love it! It's so amazing to me. And sometimes, it also makes me feel just a teeeeny bit nuts. Like, sometimes we sit down to watch a movie that I used to watch all the time when I was a kid. Cinderella, for instance. The first time we watched that movie together, I was literally in tears and choking up... simply because this was their first time seeing it. I don't even love Cinderella all that much! It's just that it was something new that I thought they would love. And yesterday, we got a new music CD. New for me, even. As soon as the first song started playing, I was tearing up again, holding back happy sobs. I'm crazy, aren't I?
   


2. I love the satisfaction of creating something. Cooking a delicious meal from scratch (something I couldn't always reliably do!). Sewing a blanket. Drawing a detailed picture. Playing music. Maybe I should explain that last one, as it doesn't normally fall under the "creating" category. No, I've never composed music. But I did play clarinet all through junior high and high school, and during my college years. I loved being a part of a band, and creating beautiful music. Sometimes I performed solo's. They were incredibly nerve-wracking for me, but I did absolutley love creating that music for other people to enjoy. And of course, for myself to enjoy. I also used to play piano, back when I had regular access to one, and I loved being able to play something from start to finish. And singing in the church choir also brought me immense satisfaction. But as I said at first, even just cooking a good meal or drawing an original picture are things that make me feel satisfied, and maybe even a little bit giddy.
   


3. Drawing a bit from #2, music. I love beautiful music. I connect to it, part of my soul feels like it has a voice when I hear it. It could be classical, or hymns, or even silly kids music or upbeat rock 'n roll. I love all sorts of music, there's always something appropriate for my mood, and invariably I will find that something in whatever I'm listening to really "speaks" to me.
   

FEARS:

1. Number one true fear in my life is speaking in public, and/or being the center of attention in a group setting. I can handle intimate groups of close friends or family, but make me stand up in front of a group of even children I don't know, and I start losing it. Voice gets shaky, palms get sweaty, train of thought goes kaput, nothing I say makes enough sense, I can't put sentences together right... I'm just a wreck. I absolutely hate speaking in front of a crowd. Just as bad is being the center of attention, in any situation. Wedding and wedding reception, anyone? Yeah, that's something I'm glad I only had to do once. Seriously.
   


2. I hate any form of confrontation. I don't like to openly disagree with someone, even in the most innocent of situations. I don't like correcting someone, even when it's valid. It's about as bad as the public speaking thing. I have a hard time verbalizing my thoughts, I get the shaky voice and sweaty palms, etc. It leads me to keep my thoughts to myself most of the time. It's not quite so bad with family - for instance, I usually don't have an issue telling Jesse when he's losing touch with reality and needs to get a grip... but if it's something more sensitive, it takes me a lot of effort to gear up to blurting it out.
   


3. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I really have a big issue with talking about my feelings. As a teenager in love, it often got reduced to expressing myself in a silly, playful voice. Luckily for me, that didn't scare away my boyfriends. But even after I was married, and still now, 8 years into a marriage, I still have a really, really hard time with it. If something has been bothering me and I know I need to talk about it, I honestly, truly spend a good 30-45 minutes running a constant stream of dialogue through my head trying to find the right words to say, rehearsing how I will say it, and trying to give myself courage to say it in a genuine manner, before I finally get it out of my head and use my voice to express it. And then it takes all of about 5 seconds to say it, with a single breath, and usually less than 2 sentences. And it's much less eloquent than I was planning on. And then I'm immediately embarrased by what I said. It's times like that when I just wish that I could give people a temporary ability to hear my thoughts, because it just never comes out right. Quite honestly, I'm afraid of ruining my relationships with the people I love because of my inability to express my feelings, good and bad alike. I just can't get them out there, and it's so frustrating! I can be completely genuine, honest, expressive, and even verbose when I can share my thoughts and feelings in writing (see this post for proof), but all of that vanishes when I try to be verbal.
   

GOALS:

1. This will probably take the entirety of my life, but I want to improve my parenting. I have this whole set of ideals, and I fall short constantly. Bottom line, I want all (or at least most!) of my interactions with my children to be cheerful, calm, and loving. I want them to always think of me with love and appreciation, and never with resentment for the way I handle things.
   


2. Short and simple, I want to improve my spirituality. Truly make it a huge part of myself.
   


3. I want to learn how to forgive myself for my faults, and almost hand-in-hand with that thought, learn to stop procrastinating. If I would make improvements to myself as I think of them, instead of saying vaguely in my head that I'll work on it "someday", then I think I probably wouldn't be quite so hard on myself for my failings.
   

OBSESSIONS/COLLECTIONS:

1. I absolutely love new books. The smell, the crispness, the feeling of simply possessing them... love it!! I know it makes so much more sense to get books used, but I crave the newness. I've been buying books faster than I'm reading them, lately!
   


2. I love all things dragon! Dragon art, stories with dragons, dragon sculptures, kids clothing with dragons.... Mmmm, all good stuff! My sisters-in-law got me an awesome gift one year - as much as I generally don't enjoy wearing jewelry, they got me a silver dragon charm pendant, and it's seriously one of my favorite gifts ever!
   


3. This almost goes without saying, but I'm obsessed about checking my emails/blogs/forums. Even if I don't always participate in commenting and discussing, I always LOVE reading.
   

RANDOM SURPRISING FACTS ABOUT ME:

1. I took fencing in college and excelled at it. I was better than the rest of the girls, and only one boy was better than I was- and he cheated a lot (not making that up!). Interestingly, Jesse also took fencing, but it was the semester after I went home from college. After we were first married, we sometimes tossed around the idea of buying fencing equipment so we could play each other, but it never happened - too much money, and we were poor. And now I'm completely out of shape and don't even remember the rules. But it was a fun time! I felt so powerful and disciplined.
   


2. I don't mind my kids making a mess with art supplies, but I cannot stand trying to involve them in even simple cooking. It drives me absolutely crazy that they want to touch everything and help with everything, the control freak inside me just screams in terror. But Jesse does great with kids & cooking, so I leave that part to him.
   


3. I've never had much of a desire at all to see and travel the world. I'm generally happy in my own four little walls. A trip around town, or a quick window-shopping jaunt, is often enough to satisfy my need to "get out". And yet, ever since I saw a nature special on TV, I'm absolutely dying to go to Fiordland, New Zealand. It seems so breathtaking. If ever I have enough money to take a vacation of my choice, and I can leave my kids behind (hey, maybe they'll even be out of the house...), my first and only choice would be to go to Fiordland and see Doubtful and Milford Sounds, and maybe even challenge myself with a 4-day long, demanding hike from the sounds through the mountains. I can't imagine how thrilling that would be - it's supposedly some of the finest scenery on earth. And from what I saw on TV, I can absolutely believe that.
   

TAGGING:
As always, please don't feel obligated to participate simply because I'm tagging you. If I have your email address, you've probably learned by now that I simply don't circulate forward types of emails. I've never liked the silly obligations that go along with them, and I don't want to put people in that situation. So if I tag you and you want to play along, please do. If you don't want to play, no need to, and you don't even have to give me an excuse. Okay? :) And if you weren't tagged, but want to play along, you can do that, too! But please leave me a comment so I know where to go read your answers, because I'd love to do that!

1. My sister Jacy
2. My sister Melissa
3. My sister Megan (who is just starting and could maybe use something to blog about!)
4. My "cousin"(?) Melissa (sorry, I really can't figure out exactly what our relationship is, it's so extended! Melissa is also new to blogging, and I'm interested in her answers!)
5. My friend and awesome blogger, Summer.

4 months, going on 8 months

Alex turned 4 months old on August 1st. Incredible! How does the time fly by so quickly?

This past month, he's been growing and changing so much. He's so big that he's wearing his 6-9 month clothes already. He's growing out of the pouch sling that I made to carry him in, and I've been branching out to try other ways of carrying. Most recently I've been happy with a wrap style carrier. In effort to keep the money spending to a minimum, I just bought a 6-yard length of fabric and cut it to the appropriate width. It's versatile and comfortable. He's been spending so much time on his tummy that the worn-off bald spot on his head is growing it's hair back. He's grinning and giggling lots and lots. He's given me a nice percentage of nights that he's been sleeping "through" the night, a solid 6-7 hour block without waking me up, all on his own body clock, none of my doing. (This is a first for me - my other babies didn't do that for a LONG time.) He's been doing a high-pitched "squeal" sort of noise when he's just playing around. And he's doing his best to grab everything within his power to reach. For instance, if we go grocery shopping and I carry him forward-facing, he's constantly grabbing the grocery cart's handlebar, or reaching for items on the shelves, or trying to grab the credit card swiper-machine's pen. If you get your hair near his hands, it's going to get pulled. And he has a huge interest in paper right now - if he can get it, he mashes it around, crumbles it up, and even tries to eat it. As I type this, he's busy deconstructing a magazine on the floor!

And of course, he continues to be my "uber" baby. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, since he started holding himself up so easily and rolling over at such an early age. Still, I was hoping that my 3rd baby would be a little more content to just be a nice immobile infant for at least an average amount of time. What do I mean exactly? Well, this is what he's been doing for the last couple weeks:

I know, right? He's been doing super-steady baby "pushups" for a couple weeks now, and even starting to work on crawling skills: rocking back and forth on all fours, pushing off of one foot at a time... all while he was still 3 months old. He's so close to crawling already - all he has to do is figure out that he can move his hands, and he'll be off and roaming the house! And really, that won't be far off, he's been making a couple small lunges today. And you know, I really thought Melinda was early at that stuff, and she didn't crawl until partway through her 5th month. Alex is just too eager to join the other two kids, I guess, and will not be content with just laying around watching them run around without him! I'm glad we're moving to a new apartment soon, and getting some fresh carpet for him to explore on.

We had a few weeks of a lot of frustration with him getting very cranky in the evenings, and not sleeping well during the day or during the nights. We finally decided to take him to the chirpractor - Jesse connected some dots and realized that he had been acting like that since the dropping incident during the family reunion in Ohio early in July. He remembered that his niece had a similar cranky personality change around 1 year old after she fell off of some furniture, and returned to normal after a chiropractic adjustment. I was happy to find that the chiropractor I've been seeing will adjust infants as well, and so Alex had a couple adjustments, and has been back to normal since then. Yay!

Anyway, here's just a couple more pictures and a video of Alex in action. Enjoy!

Breaking Dawn

Don't worry, I won't post any spoilers here!

I picked up my copy of Breaking Dawn on Saturday morning, and started reading it mid-afternoon. I just finished, and oh my!! I am in awe at how much I *loved* this book. All 754 pages of it!!

I re-read all of the previous three books (Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse) over the past week (and no, I was not a very productive person this week, but oh well, half of us were sick over the course of the week, anyway!). I enjoyed them still, but I was not completely in love with them as I had been the very first (and second) times I read them. I wasn't laughing or crying my way through them. I already knew them well enough, I suppose.

But Breaking Dawn? It got me right back into the swing of things, and I was immediately sucked back into the vivid world that Stephenie Meyer creates. I laughed out loud. I cried. I felt completely elated, blissed-out. I felt hopeless. I felt sheer determination. I felt free and on top of the world. I felt powerful. I felt confused. I felt love, I felt pain. The turns that were taken in the early part of the book were things I didn't like- I rejected them at first, felt disgusted that such a perfect story would be marred. But in the end? Oh, how perfect it really was! I had no idea Stephenie Meyer could make the Twilight story turn out like it did. BEYOND my expectations, completely beyond them! The whole of it really just clicked right into place! I will never read the previous three books with the same perspectives, now. Am I allowed to call the whole thing just ... genius??

Honestly, I would re-read the whole darn thing right this minute, if I knew I could pull myself away from it all willingly tomorrow. Although I know I wouldn't be able to... and with a move just a couple weeks away from us, I just can't allow myself become unproductive for any length of time until we're settled into our new place.

BUT. If you've read Breaking Dawn, please feel free to phone or email me privately (to avoid spoiling it for others!) so I just absolutely gush with joy with someone who will understand!!

Edit to add:
After poking around on the internet a little bit, it has come to my attention that a large percentage of readers really hated this book! I'm honestly shocked! Hope my "review" doesn't raise your expectations too high, if you haven't read it, and end up not liking it. I guess I'm just a sucker for a certain kind of ending. :) I really thought it was the best of the bunch, by a long shot!